A Poem From Paisly

I wrote this poem to give to my parents and Andrew's parents the night we found out we were pregnant :)

God shares with me all the prayers sent above
With so much care and so much love
He lets me know my family is full of love to share
And when he brought me home it caused much despair
He said to me for every time there is a season
And I brought you home for a very good reason
We’ve discussed it together and He assured me
He would bless this family with another baby
The time has come, and in the womb of my mother
Is growing so fast, my sister or brother
I wanted to share the good news with you
Because mommy and daddy are now parents of two

Love,
Paisly Grace

Back Again

They are back again, an I am so thrilled. I was just so excited to see them, and even more excited to see Andrew's face when he saw them. It's been a while since we saw them last so to see them now is just so exciting. They make me know that my God is an awesome God, that we are so blessed. We are so happy to see them again, but we are nervous just the same but we know that God is watching over it all and he will take care of everything.....so are ya'll wondering who 'they' are yet?




well they






are.....







TWO PINK LINES!!!





We're pregnant again :)

Please keep us in your prayers as I'm still pretty early in the pregnancy. So far everything is going great. We heard the heartbeat and it was 131. Butter Bean is in the right position. With Paisly she didn't quite make it to the dead center of my uterus as you may have read from earlier posts. We called Paisly our tater tot before we knew what the sex was. Well this on is butter bean :) We are thrilled that God has answered our prayers and we can only give Him the credit. From the moment I found out (which was in a lowe's hardware bathroom by the way) I told God I know this child as well as Paisly is His and His alone. We are trusting Him and His plan.



Now Paisly is a big sister and will be staying busy looking over her little brother or sister (At the moment I'm feeling little brother).



There is Paisly's 1st Teddy Bear that her mawmaw and pawpaw made her while I was preggo in front of her Christmas tree. I also finished her stocking...here it is

I'll Be Home

I'll be home for Christmas,
so please don't be so sad.
This is the greatest Christmas
that I've ever had.

I'll be home for Christmas,
so please don't grieve too long.
In heaven here with Jesus,
is where we all belong.

The world is full of struggles,
no matter where you roam,
but please don't be discouraged;
the world is not our home.

I'll be home for Christmas,
and one day, so will you.
The angels all are waiting,
and I'll be waiting too.

Alda Maria



I got an ornament at a specialty store yesturday with this poem on it for Paisly's tree. It's so true. Her Christmas in heaven, I know is better than any present we could have given her in this world.

All Knowing

Psalm 139:1, 14, 16
LORD, thou has searched me, and know me.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

So true. God knows me, he knows my hurt, my heart. He knows that I constantly grieve over Paisly, that I miss her terribly and that I can't wait to see them both some day. He also knows the future, what is going to happen with Andrew and I , whether we are going to be able to adopt a precious child, or conceive one of our own. He knows it all. He knows the love I have for my husband and that I am forever thankful that he is mine and I am his. I love it, I love that I can trust in him and know that everything is going to work out as planned...not my plan but HIS. Such a wonderful feeling.

Sorry it's been a while...end of semester at school is crazy!!! Today alone I have 3 presentations, Monday is the last day of school then I have final exams/projects/papers due. I'll be so glad when this is all over. June 24th hurry up. Christmas is just around the corner and I love Christmas, love love love it. BUT this Christmas I just don't have the holiday spirit like usual. I love spending time with family and friends during the holidays but it's not as much fun knowing there is someone missing from the picture. I shouldn't say that, she's not missing, I know exactly where she is. She's just isn't here and I hate it. We are trying as much as we can to include her still. We've put her up a tree with cute green and pink ornaments. She has all kinds of ornaments, there are pink angel wings, little angels, ornaments from us, some from her grandparents and even one from Livi bug. She got her a green ball with a huge P on it, and it lights up...so adorable. She even has some ribbons with little cuppie cakes on them! Pics to come soon!

We were decorating the other night and I was ok up until the point where I hung the stockings. I have one for Andrew, me and a bone stocking for Mr Grunts and Lola, but there was one missing. I knew she is supposed to have a stocking and I lost it. This is where God has truly blessed me- Andrew sat me down and told me that he was going to go out and buy paisley print fabric, make her a stocking from it, paint cupcakes on the top of it, and have her picture put on the front of it. I am blessed with a wonderful husband. We are going to get an angel stocking holder to put it on and hang it right between ours. I'll try and post pics of it as soon as we are done making it.

Jeans and Genes

So today before classes I went to the mall in hopes to find something to wear for Thanksgiving and for pictures. I have the hardest time finding jeans because I have such an odd figure, my legs are so long its ridiculous...people say that's a good thing...but not when you are looking for jeans. I went to so many different stores and found jeans that fir perfect everywhere....except they were high-waders, which is ALWAYS the case. Guess that's the price I pay for being 5'9. Much to my amazment I went to one last store and they had THE PERFECT JEANS!!!!! I was so excited, I didn't even want to take them off to pay for them I did of course, but then I went straight to the bathroom to change into them :) I am just so excited that I actually found jeans to fit every area haha!
Speaking of "genes" I had to do my geneology for one of my classes and I have found out so much about my family that I never knew. Our family (matriarch side) only traces back 4 generations, because my great great great grandpa moved here straight from Scotland, and my great great great grandma moved straight from Ireland! Since taking this class, I've been so interested in tracing back family and finding out family secrets. I learned that my Grandma's brother died only 8 days after his 1st birthday, they don't know the exact reason but they believe it is from pneumonia. Her grandmother lost 2 children, one at age 4 and one at age 2. It's so odd to hear about this type of loss. I know that death is a taboo suject in our society, and to find this stuff out is so interesting to me. I hate to know that so many deaths like this occur, but at the same time I see that these women made it through losing their children and went on to have more children...13 more children to be exact... I don't believe I will be having that many!!!

Counting Blessings

I had an awful day at work...if anything could go wrong it did, I missed Paisly like crazy today, and sometimes I have those days where I just replay over and over and over all the things that could have been done so that she would still be alive today...it was just a bad bad day.
On the way home I was so ill and upset that I couldn't even pray, I just said God help me over and over. Then a song came on the radio. It said 'when you're down and you've got to count your blessings', so that's what I did.
God has blessed me with so much; my salvation, I know that when my time here on earth is over I will go to such a place that I can't even imagine the beauty of it and I will get to see my sweet Paisly again; the most wonderful husband I could ever ask for, he is my rock and I couldn't, and don't want to imagine my life without him; I couldn't ask for better family; a roof over my head, my bills get paid and I have food on my table...I could go on and on. Just saying those things out loud made me feel so much better. Sometimes it's so hard to focus on your blessings when it feels like everything around you is falling apart. I'm learning more and more each day that I have to lean on the Lord with all that I am and he will help me.
Something else that cheered me up a bit--Andrew fixed supper AND fixed my plate AND brought it to me....he's such a good hubby :)

Bittersweet

Tonight at church, I made a new friend. I'm in the children's play at church and there was a little girl there named Hayley. She is a complete doll! After I tied her shoe for her...she was my new friend :) She noticed my necklace and told me in her cute little squeeky voice that it was pretty. I explained what it was and she just smiled at me. It warmed my heart. She sat with Andrew and I after church started and she was drawing on a piece of paper most of the time. She was copying things she saw, and drawing little stick figures. She also had "little punkinsss" all over the paper!

Then she drew a big stick figure and a small one and said it was me and her. On my stick figure she drew my necklace and out to the side she wrote PAISLY. It was adorable...mainly because the S was backwards. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I thought at that moment that I will never get to see how Paisly writes her name; if she writes her S's backwards or her Y's with an extra stem. At the same moment my wonderful God gave me peace. He let me know that Paisly's name may not be written by her on a piece of paper here on earth, but it was definitly written by our Saviour in the Lamb's book of life. Forever. Her name will always be there, as well as mine.

Thank you Lord for blessing me.

Keeping it short and sweet tonight.
Have a good week

Ryan

cupcake

This week I've really had to lean on God. I don't know why but it's been a hard week. I think it all started with halloween and seeing all the babies in their costumes so cute and cuddly. We were going to dress Paisly up as a cupcake, I looked while I was pregnant for a costume (if you know me, you know I'm a super planner, and don't like being unprepared!). I couldn't find one, but I was going to make one myself, she was going to be topped with sprinkles and everything! I think I have been letting my mind wonder more, about the last few days I was pregnant and thinking about what I should have done or could have done to prevent things. I know deep down that it was God's plan to bring Paisly home soon all along and that no matter what I did, going to the hospital the day before or whatever wouldn't have stopped that plan; but that's the imperfect Christian coming out.

Our devotions this week have really helped too, they always do. Although they are a couple's devotion it has really brought many things into perspective that has to do with the loss of our Paisly Grace. This week is about encouragement and the questions at the end of the devotions we ask each other made me realize so many things. I love my husband and I know many of you know that but I want to publicly say that my husband is the most loving, caring, sincere, encouraging and supportive man I've ever known. Not meaning to sound sappy but he is. I know that if it weren't for his encouragement during the past few months, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner of my room. We've been talking a lot this week about what God wants us to do for him. We think so much about what we should do that benefits us but we want to do something that is selfless and 100% for God. We have a few ideas, it's just getting to them is the challenge but we will do whatever God leads us to do. It's so different how much my mind has opened after all that has happened. Before I was a Christian but I though going through the motions was enough. I feel so much like God has opened my eyes to who I need to be. I've found if I just listen and quit thinking about what I want, God will lead us to do whatever it is in his plan for us. We just have to follow.

Ok, so I FINALLY am putting up the picture with me and Angie :)



aside from my puffy red eyes and nose, it wasn't a bad picture, I should have thought to ask Todd to be in the pic tho ;)
Have a good week and keep praying for us


love, Ryan

Projects and Papers and Tests, OH MY!!!

Oh my word....I have been so swamped with synthesis papers and projects and presentations and exams, and I'm only half way through the semester! Lord help me get through this!!! On a good note...I GRADUATE IN JUNE YIPEEEEEE :) I'll be so glad to get that behind me...haha then I'll be right back in for grad school...at least I see the light now- it may be dim and distant but I see it!

Andrew and I have been having some major discussions the past few weeks about something that is pretty important to us, something we had planned to do at some point in our lives but we thought it would happen later in life...like way later. I've learned though, that when God lays something on your heart; tells you to do something, you don't ask questions or doubt it. You just do it. So we are. We are planning to adopt. We've contacted DSS and got in touch with a Social Worker and I've been talking to a great friend who has already been through the process(such a blessing). We called and we have to take a class before we can do anything and the next class isn't until the end of February. It's definitely going to be a long process and with school and work we don't know exactly how everything is going to work out, but when God draws you a road map you don't question the destination. I read someone's status today on facebook it said "God doesn't call the equipped - He equips those He calls". This is so true, and we are going to trust God and leave it all up to him. I don't know how everything is going to work out but my God does and I trust that He will show us the way. We are so excited about it. I've always wanted to adopt, I just can't wait to get everything going! We really can't do too much until the class so I'm just going to have to be patient. Many have asked about biological kids. We still want to have our own children and if perhaps we get pregnant before we can get into the actual process, we are still going to go through with it.

We got to babysit Olivia today :) it was so much fun! She is a pleasant little booger! J brought her over real early because they both had to work. She went right back to sleep, when we woke back up, while I was getting ready Andrew was playing with her on the bed. Andrew was so cute, he was talking and playing with her, and she was talking up a storm to him. It made me miss Paisly like crazy, knowing we would have gotten to do that with her every day if she were still here, but I know she is happy and safe in heaven. None the less I love spending time with livi bug, and I hope we get to do it again soon!

Keep praying for us, that we continue to follow God's path for us, and that he will give us patience in the long road ahead!

Girls Night Out

Last night was a much needed girls night out!!! Stacie, my long time bff...and by long time I mean since we were five years old, introduced me to her co-worker Lisa. Lisa and I had an instant connection. Her son Hudson passed away at three days old. She and her husband were at the walk to remember on saturday as well. We all three went out to PF Changs to eat and then did some shopping for Stacie a dress for her friend's wedding rehearsal. PF Changs was nothing short of amazing! They have these things called lettuce wraps. Ok, I'm not usually a lettuce eater but they were soooo good- I'm hooked! While we were eating I got to know Lisa a little better and hear the whole story of her precious son Hudson. It was a sad story but Lisa is such a strong person. She also is preggo! She finds out thursday what she is having so say a prayer for her that the ultrasound and everything goes well! It gives me hope to see her so happy and pregnant. We shared our fears for our future children and our ups and downs after Hudson's and Paisly's passing. It was nice to see that she was pregnant and is going to have another precious child. Gives me hope for my future. Say a prayer tonight for her little family, and continue to pray for Andrew and I.

Love,
Ryan

Walk to Remember

Yesterday was such a great way to remember Paisly Grace. I admire the people who have the strength after such loss to put together things such as Heartstrings and the Walk to Remember.

We got to the event a little early. We went to check in and the woman helping us looked so familiar while I was in line. When we got up to her, she looked at me a little teary eyed. She told me who she was, and my heart melted. She was the wonderful woman who took Paisly's pictures for us in the hospital. We talked for a minute and I thanked her for taking Paisly's pictures. Her pictures mean so much to me, I can't explain. There were different booths there with various things. We got free water bottles, a woman had made wooden angel ornaments and was writing the names of the children on them, we got one for Paisly. They had a quilt that you could write your child's name and a little message on. They gave us a scrapbooking kit to put together. When the memorial started the lady who founded heartstrings got up to talk and tell her story. She had twin boys who past away when they were infants. She talked about how much they changed her. She said so many things that touched me personally; but the thing she said that has been on my mind since is that all of us who have had child loss can either be swallowed by our grief and sorrow or we can take our child's death and making something good come out of it. She certainly has. Seeing all those people there yesterday and how much that event meant to them, and how it tremendously helped me, makes me want to do the same. I don't know how or what God wants me to do just yet but I know he is wanting me to do something, so I am. Pray for me as I listen to God's will for what he wants me to do. This morning's service was about listening to God's will. The visiting preacher said we need to quit saying "I" and start listening to God and what he wants not what we want. I know he wants me to do something, I just don't know what yet. I love it when God puts something he wants right in front of you, and that's what he has done the past 2 days with the even and this mornings message.

After the speeches we went to the memorial tree. All the babies names were read out and when they were the parents put their butterflies on the tree. By the end there weren't any spots left on that tree to put anything. There were many parents that had more than one butterfly. One woman had to put 6 butterflies on that tree. I prayed for that woman as she was putting them there. I pray for all those families that were there. As much as I hated that we all had to be there I am so thankful that the walk was there for us, to help us grieve. After the tree memorial we started our 1.5 mile walk. They had each child's name on signs throughout the walk. It was such a pretty day for it too. It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just right.





Thank You God for all you have done for me and for all the people you have put in my path to help me grieve for Paisly Grace. You are so good to me.

Finally...

So I still can't upload at my house, but my wonderful mother-in-law let's me upload them on hers :) Thanks Lori :)


Paisly's Headstone


Boone Trip


I don't have the picture with Angie and I, I will have to put that up later :(

But here's a funny one...Mr Grunts hates the lawnmower, unless he's riding on it

A Great Weekend

This weekend has been wonderful :)

Last night we went to hear Angie Smith speak. One word... Amazed. She has such genuine faith. You can just tell that she is a honest, genuine Christian woman. I admire her faith so much with the loss of her daughter. "Scouting for Hope" was the name of the service last night and it was a good one. The Lord was there with all of us mother's who share a horrible bond. As much as I loved being able to go to something like that where everyone there knew exactly how I felt, it was terrible just the same. I still can't believe how much miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss happens. It's so unheard of, and I can understand why. I can't just go blurting out that I have a daughter in heaven without getting strange looks. Although the sadness may be written on my face, the whole story isn't. A friend of the lady who put together the even shared her story before Angie got up to speak. While she was sharing it with us, there was not one dry eye in the house. This woman lost...I can't even remember how many babies. I want to say 6. She had an auto immune deficiency and every time she got pregnant her body just rejected the pregnancy. She got pretty far along with some of those babies. She finally had 2 children, but they were a huge struggle to have, both were supposed to have mental and physical delays according to the doctors. The last baby, the doctors encouraged her heavily to abort the baby, much like my Doctors did. She refused, and had her 2nd little girl. Both who were there last night, and both were healthy. I love the ending of her story. We trust doctors so much, sometimes too much. We need to put that trust in God.

When Angie spoke she told her story. I've read her book, her blog and interviews she has done, but hearing it straight from her mouth was just more moving. She, once again, made me feel better about how I feel. She quoted from a book she had read about mourning and dancing. She said that she isn't quite to the dancing part yet. It made me feel better. As much as I am trusting God and know He has a plan for us, I am not dancing yet. It's been 2 1/2 years since her Audrey passed and she still isn't dancing, she said she's bought her tap shoes but that's it. It's been 4 months since Paisly passed, and I haven't even bought my dancing shoes. All in all it was a good service. We got to hear her speak, we got to hear Todd from Selah sing :) :) :) and we had a candle lighting/dedication for the babies in heaven. Afterward I got to meet Angie and we talked for about 10 minutes! I showed her Paisly's album and shared her story. I even got a picture with her :) and will post it along with the bazillion others I've been promising to put up as soon as I can find that cord!

Today we got a lot done around the house like I wanted. I even planted some mums! They are so pretty! It was so pretty outside today! I love weather like this! Fall is my favorite! I'm sure the rest of the weekend will be just as nice :)


Ryan

Before the Morning

This song has helped me through my bad days...






Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

A Prayer Request

Ugh...still can't find that cord!!! I want to put up some pictures and I can't- so frustrating!!! So today at work....Andrew sent me yellow roses. I love my husband so much. We are doing devotions every night, and this weeks theme is about romance. We talked last night about each other's ideas of romance and so on...well needless to say my hunny just showed me up!!! Any ideas on how to romanticize him back? (keep it clean ladies ;) )

I can't wait for October 1st! I get to hear Angie Smith speak, I'm so excited! I need it. I will say that what people say it true; time heals your wounds. I won't say that I'm completely healed, I don't think that will ever be the case but my bad days are becoming a little more spaced out than they were before. I still have the occassional person who I run into from classes last semester who ask how my baby is and I have to tell them. I hate the reactions. Not because of them, they don't know but that's just it. Every single time, whoever it is it never fails, they keep apologizing saying they didn't mean to bring it up...Umm you didn't know! and however hard I try the awqwardness...just lingers!!!!!!! ugh that awqwardness!!! I will conquer it one day!

Ok. I wasn't going to announce this, but I know the power of prayer and I need ya'll to pray pray pray for us. When I went for my post partum checkup my Dr advised us to wait a year to conceive again, more for emotional reasons than physical. Andrew and I have discussed it A LOT and we both feel that we are ready to start trying again. I know it seems soon, but...it took three years to get pregnant with Paisly, so we want to start now. Please keep us in your prayers as when you are trying to get pregnant it can be extremely draining. I know this sounds kind of odd, but during Paisly's labor and delivery and afterward I could honestly feel all the prayers, I just knew that our names were being lifted to our Lord and I ask you to do the same now. Thanks guys :)

Love
Ryan

Pictures and Lost Cords

O My, I feel like such a slacker! I kinda knew this would happen when I got into school and doing homework and working and everything. I don't want it to...so I'm going to buck up and get it done :) I wanted to get a picture up of Paisly's headstone, but I can't find my cord...that's just like me, to lose something that I use so often! I want to put up some pics of Andrew and I in Boone last weekend. It was so nice up there, and to get away for a while was just what we needed. The weather was so beautiful and the scenery was breath taking. It was nice to look at what God has made. All the beauty that he created just amazes me. I'll tell you one thing He is one smart cookie. I can just imagine his thoughts while he's creating all the beauty of this world. Sitting like a painter in front of His canvas....Amazing.

Andrew and I have been reading a devotion every night by the Dobson family. Pastor Dickerson gave it to us when he came over. I love it. Every week has a different theme, and this weeks them is to trust God. It has been just what I needed to hear. I do trust God and I trust that he has a plan for us, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. It still hurts beyond words that Paisly isn't here but I find so much comfort knowing that God has a plan. One that we don't know quite yet, but someday he will show us the whole picture

Also, one last thing- We are going on a memory walk for Paisly Grace on October 9th. It kind of reminds me a little bit of Relay for Life. You have teams for your loved one. If anyone is interested in going with us let me know, you have to be registered by september 21st!!!! Email me or message me of facebook, or call...just let me know soon :)

Final...

The monument people called to say that they were putting Paisly's headstone in. They wanted to know if we wanted to be there when they put it in. I told him no that we would come later on this afternoon... I don't think I would be able to stand there while they finalize the fact that my daughter's tiny body is in the ground. I know its just the resting place for her flesh and that she isn't really in that small box but it still hurts to know that she's there and not in my arms.
I have mixed feelings about it all, I'm glad that she is getting her headstone. I hate going to see her and all that is there is the little plastic marker that the funeral home placed there, I want something better for my daughter letting people know she's there. She is so much better than a flimsy piece of plastic. On the other hand it makes everything final. There's nothing left to wait for. It all is a waiting game. We waited to get pregnant, we waited to see if she was a boy or girl, we waited on test results, we waited to see why she wasn't moving, we waited 15 hours to meet her, we waited on the funeral home to get her tiny body ready, and we waited for her headstone to be placed in the ground over her tiny casket. Now it's all done. No more waiting. But now that I think about it, I will still wait, I will wait to see her again in heaven. To me that is worth the wait, it all was. When I was in labor with her, I dreaded that when she came she would already be gone, yet I was glad that I would be able to finally hold her in my arms. I'll be so thrilled to be reunited with my little girl, to talk about so many things with her, ask her what all she's been doing this whole time in heaven, who she's met up there and so much more.

I'll try to post a picture of her stone a little later on here...

scarlet

School so far hasn't been too bad...I only took 4 classes because I thought I would have Paisly to care for. I wanted to add a 5th during drop/add but they were all full! Maybe that was God's way of telling me that this was enough for this semester. One of the classes may be enough work for 3!!! Seeing how hard it is just going to school and working all the time, I can't imagine what I would have done if Paisly were here...I mean obviously I would have made it work somehow. I'm going to see Angie Smith speak in October and I CAN'T WAIT!!! I'm so excited about it...I feel like I'm going to meet a celebrity! Just by reading her blogs I am so moved and touched by her words so I'm sure hearing her speak in person will just be all kinds of wonderful!!! :)

Speaking of Angie, I was reading her blog the other day...of course:) and she told a story that I have never heard of. It's in the book of Joshua, in the 2nd chapter. Its the story of Rahab, She was a prostitute. OK, so the story goes as follows: Moses never got to enter the promised land and his successor Joshua was planning on invading Canaan, specifically the city of Jericho. He sent two spies into the city. While they were in the city they had to hide in the home of Rahab the prostitute. The King of Jericho found out there were two spies in his city and sent out representatives to look for them. They came to Rahab's house and instead of turning them in, she risked her life and lied saying that they were there, but left and were already on their way out of the city. She hid the two men on her roof while the guards swept the streets looking for them. The story goes on to say that she realizes what God has done for them and that she believes in God more than she fears for herself. She tells the spies that she will keep them safe as long as they promise her that when they invade the city they will not harm her or her family. They agree and tell her that she must hang a scarlet cord from her window to let those who are invading the city know they are to be spared.

Angie goes on to tell the lineage of Rahab...This is the kicker to me. So listen up :)

Rahab is the mother of Boaz.
Boaz is the father of Obed.
Obed is the father of Jessie
Jessie is the father of David.


skip a couple of generations and...

... Jacob the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.


Wow...

This just amazes me. God chose a prostitute to be in the family tree of His son Jesus Christ. He chose her for His story. This makes me think that for some reason, reasons unknown...

He chose me

He chose me to be part of his story, He chose my little Paisly to be part of His story. I love Him dearly for that, I LOVE that my little girl, my precious sweet little Paisly Grace is part of such a large story. I don't know what the ending will look like, but I know that God knows and so far God's story has been pretty amazing. As we all know that every great book has a wonderful ending. Although I know my story will never end because I'll live for eternity in heaven, I know that my story here on earth will someday come to a conclusion and only God himself knows what that will entail. Say a prayer for us tonight and I will for you as well, as we try to live out the story God has put together for us.


Love
Ryan

To my Cuppie Cake

Dear Cuppie Cake,

I wanted to write you another letter...I like doing it, I believe I'll write to you every once in a while. Mommy started school this week. It made me think of how I wanted to take you to your first day of school. I already planned on how I was going to fix your hair and what your outfit would look like :) I was so worried while you were in my belly about how I was going to manage classes, work and taking care of you. I thought about taking you to class with me, it made me cry just to think of me leaving you to go to school and to work. Then I thought about how much of a germaphobe I am and how college campuses are filthy dirty! I'm sorry sweety but mommy would have had you living in a bubble!!!

I miss you so much, I talk to you all the time and I hope that God lets you hear me. I know though that you are in heaven so immersed in God and His Glory. I hope that God tells you how much you were loved here. I'm sure that the flies on the wall think I'm just a crazy woman telling you all about my day or my classes or about how much I love your daddy. I go in your room, and although you never got to use any of the things we had ready for you, it still reminds me of you. I look through your clothes and think of what you would be wearing at the moment, wishing I would have gotten to see you wiggle around in it.

Your daddy misses you like crazy as well. He wanted so bad to take you places and do things with you. He wanted you as soon as we were married, he was wanting you to be a honeymoon baby, I think he's wanted to be a daddy as long as he can remember! I do believe you would have been a daddy's girl. Your daddy has this way of "wooing". It's impossible not to love him. I wanted to see you run to his arms after he got home from work, and I couldn't wait for him to teach you how to fish...he said that he was going to teach you to bait your own hook...mommy is a wuss and daddy always has to do it for me!

I was thinking the other day about how I wanted to tell you all the bible stories just like my mom did with me. Then I thought, God has to be a better story teller than me, He was there! I can just see him telling you about Noah and the Ark, he probably puts in some pretty good sound effects, or even lets you see the giraffes and elephants first hand. Yep, I'm 100% sure his version of the story is better than mine :)

I miss you cuppie cake, and I love you beyond what words can say.

Love always,
Mommy

My God

**Let me first say...I am by no means a preacher, pastor or anything of the type, I am only a woman who is trying to be obedient to his call**

I'm going to be honest... I don't like sharing things that are very personal to me over the internet. It makes you feel vulnerable, like everyone knows everything about you, even when they don't know you. God has been laying on my heart for a while now to share this post and to be honest I've been putting it off. I feel like God wants me to share this story, I don't know why or what the purpose of it is but I trust my Lord and I know he is going to use it for someone or something.

On June 13th, exactly one week before we found that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat, Andrew's pawpaw Bobby passed away. His body had been eaten with cancer. Let me take you back two weeks earlier, actually let me tell you about Bobby before. Now I've only been married to Andrew for 4 years in september but Andrew and his family have told me stories. Bobby wouldn't set foot in a church, he didn't want preachers visiting him at home trying to witness to him. It was just an unspoken rule that you didn't even try talking to Bobby about the Lord because you would get nowhere. Bobby was put in the hospital and was told that he had kidney and lung cancer and had a bleeding brain tumor. Two weeks before Bobby passed, Andrew's great aunt Marie and her family(who live in New Bern) came to visit Bobby while he was in the hospital. After he was discharged to go home Marie and EJ started to leave to go home to New Bern. After they left Marie felt like they needed to go to Bobby and Becky's home because she wanted to talk to Bobby one more time about Jesus and His love for us. That day Bobby took Jesus into his heart. When Lori, Andrew's mom called me to tell me the news, I had just gotten out of class and was on my way to my car. After I got off the phone with her I just sat in my car and cried. You could feel the difference in him just by stepping into their home. He was a different person. I thank God for telling Marie and EJ to turn around that day, and I thank Marie for being obedient to his call. That's what this post is about, being obedient to God's calling.

Andrew and I both have accepted Jesus to be our Lord and Saviour. I was only 6 years old and had just gotten home from church one wednesday night when I asked my parents about being saved and God living in my heart. That night they led me to the Lord, and I completely understood what I was doing and who my God was. Andrew was 13 when he accepted Jesus at a Wild's camp one summer. Although we both had accepted Jesus, we were nowhere near the Christians that we needed to be. After we saw the work God did in Bobby's life it started to change both Andrew and I. We saw that if God could change a stubborn old man in one afternoon that we could change as well. We started praying together more, and starting to form a closer relationship with God.Although it had only been one week I could already tell a difference in myself, in Andrew and in our relationship together with God. Then Paisly went to be with the Lord.

This is the part I dread to tell. I was so angry with God. I'm the type of person that needs answers for any and everything. It was so easy to tell myself that what had happened to Bobby was so that he could accept Jesus as his saviour and to make Andrew and I realize that we weren't where we needed to be in our spiritual walk with God. It wasn't so easy however to say this with Paisly. I was so angry with God. I was changing, I was starting to form a closer relationship with him...so what was the point of all this??? Andrew however was different, he said that so soon after Paisly passed that he had complete peace. All he kept saying was "It's in God's hands, he's in control of it all". I just wanted to scream. I felt like I had been the one closer to God and here he was having peace about it all and I was slipping farther away. It's been such a confusing time. I am so ashamed to say that it took me a long time to even bow my head in prayer. I didn't want to talk to God, he took my child from me. What I realize now...she was never MY child. She has always been God's child, just as I am His child. I would see Andrew praying and I just walked away, I was just so angry. We had a loving pastor come to our home to do grief counseling with us. He taught us so many things. He told me that no problem is too big for our God. He gave the analogy of having a large rock on your foot. You wouldn't leave that rock on your foot because it hurts. He said that we need to roll that rock off and give it to God. The rock was my sorrow and grief for Paisly. I needed to bring it straight to God. After he left Andrew and I prayed. I did what he suggested and I gave it all to God. I am so glad that I did. Since then God has shown me in countless ways how he still loves me, isn't punishing me and has such a plan that I wouldn't understand. I have prayed more since then than I ever have. I am unable to explain how my prayer life with God is...other than wonderful.

Since Bobby and Paisly have went to be with our Lord, mine and Andrew's relationship with God has grown beyond measure. I pray for us multiple times a day. I also pray for you, for anyone who reads this blog. I want to share God's love with anyone who will listen. He is so good to me, and I want you to feel that peace, that understanding, that feeling of being loved beyond understanding.

If you have yet to accept God as your Savior and are interested in His love, let me show you how:


Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin.

We were born under the power of sin's control.

- Admit that you are a sinner.



Romans 6:23a "...The wages of sin is death..."

Sin has an ending. It results in death. We all face physical death, which is a result of sin. But a worse death is spiritual death that alienates us from God, and will last for all eternity. The Bible teaches that there is a place called the Lake of Fire where lost people will be in torment forever. It is the place where people who are spiritually dead will remain, known as hell.

- Understand that you deserve death for your sin.



Romans 6:23b "...But the gift of God is eternal

life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Salvation is a free gift from God to you! You can't

earn this gift, but you must reach out and receive it.

- Ask God to forgive you and save you.



Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us, in

that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"

When Jesus died on the cross He paid sin's penalty. He paid the price for all sin, and when He took all the sins of the world on Himself on the cross, He bought us out of slavery to sin and death! The only condition is that we believe in Him and what He has done for us, understanding that we are now joined with Him, and that He is our life. He did all this because He loved us and gave Himself for us!

- Give your life to God... His love poured out in Jesus on the cross is your only hope to have forgiveness and change. His love bought you out of being a slave to sin. His love is what saves you -- not religion, or church membership. God loves you!



Romans 10:13 "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"

- Call out to God in the name of Jesus!



Romans 10:9,10 "...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."

- If you know that God is knocking on your heart's door,

ask Him to come into your heart.



Jesus said,

Revelation 3:20a "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."

- Is Jesus knocking on your heart's door?



Like I said before, I am not a preacher, have never attended a bible college or any of the sort. But I have accepted God into my heart and I know how wonderful it makes me feel and how My God has done such wonderful work in my life and I can't help but share. If you followed this prayer, or just want to talk, email me (drharre2@uncg.edu) or message me on facebook and I will be more than glad to talk about it...







Love,
Ryan

telling the story

Well this is the last weekend I have off before I have no life...
School starts monday which means I'll be going to school mondays and wednesdays then working tuesday, thursday friday and saturday of each week...yes I am crazy and no I will have absolutely no life; but it will be well worth it in the end tho so I am okay with it(I say that now but I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be eating those words!)

The biggest thing I dread about starting school is opening a fresh wound...many of my professors and people that I shared many classes with were always asking about the baby during my pregnancy so I know when I go back they will be asking about Paisly. I absolutely love talking about her because she matters to much to me, but often when I tell her story it makes people feel awkward and they don't know what to say to me. I'm one of those people who HATES awkwardness and I will go out of my way to make awkward situations...unawkward. In my situation tho, it's hard to reverse the feeling once they have asked about Paisly expecting to hear me say that she is healthy and beautiful and instead I have to tell them what happened. As much as I hate that feeling I'm hoping still that sharing Paisly's story will introduce Jesus to those who don't know Him. I don't mind talking about her at all, in fact it makes me feel better to talk about her. I love just to say her name, I LOVE it! I guess because it makes me remember her. I have this huge fear that I'll forget the small things about her, like how it felt when she was kicking me, or the way her tiny toes felt on my fingertips. I think talking about her reminds me of those things and keeps them fresh in my mind.

I miss her. I never knew how strongly I could feel about someone like I do her. It's unbelievable tho, how much peace God has given me. At first after Paisly passed, I couldn't bear to hear or be around small children, especially babies. It just shook me, took me into this place of deep sorrow where all I could think about was who she would have been and how I'll never get to see her become that person. One of my closest friends, Becca had a little girl on July 17th, she was only 2 weeks ahead of me in my pregnancy. We loved to share little details of our pregnancies. I loved that she was ahead of me because she would tell me what she was experiencing and then about two weeks later when it happened to me I would know that it was normal. After Paisly was born, I was so afraid of how I would feel about Becca and Olivia. I was so very extremely happy for J and Becca. Before she became pregnant with Olivia she had a miscarriage and it devastated them. Although I was so happy for them, I knew that all I would be able to think about was how we were supposed to have the babies together...we had even planned in advance "mommy and me" days together with the girls where we would take them to have their toes done with us and so on :) After Becca brought Olivia home, I really wanted to go see her but didn't know how I would react. That's one thing I've hated about this whole situation- I am a control freak...a bad one, and during this time my emotions are so unpredictable. One day I can't even think about a baby without bawling my eyes out then the next I could be around babies all day and it make me happy....I hate it. Anyways I told Becca that I wanted to come see Olivia but I wanted to do it when she had no other visitors, because I didn't know how I would react. Andrew and I went over there and as soon as I got in the door I wanted to hold her. God just amazes me, that's all I can say. I love being around Olivia. I thought I wouldn't because it would remind me of Paisly and how they would be the same age, but instead it lets me ponder on how Paisly would be around her age, and I like that. I love to think of who she would have been. How her cries would have sounded or what her smiles would have looked like. God gives me peace and I am forever grateful for that. Thank You Lord.

Ryan

Roses Will Bloom Again

After Paisly passed, we had many many people who brought flowers and cards and food and all kinds of things. Everything meant so much to us. Having the love and support of family and friends means everything in such a trying time. Some things that have really helped me are plants and flowers. We have peace lillies from my papaw, Andrew's pawpaw and Paisly's funerals, I combined Paisly's and Andrew's pawpaw's bc it means a lot to Andrew that his Pawpaw got to hold and play with our precious Paisly before we did. My grandma got me some flowers...I'm embarrased to say that I don't know what they are, and I can't find it on the internet...go figure...

May Aunt Debra and her family got me a Rose bush that I planted in front of Paisly's bedroom window. I grew up listening to southern gospel and one song that I heard...still hear very often is "Roses will Bloom Again" by Bill Gaither. My Aunt had this song in mind when she gave me the rose bush.


I planted a little rose bush,
I tended it with care,
It’s buds began to blossom
Their fragrance filled the air
But when winter came it withered,
The petals drooped and fell to the ground,
My heart sank as it faded,
But I’d forgotten who had made it.

Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.

Rose was his only sweetheart,
A loving wife for forty years.
Cherished every day they had,
And held memories oh so dear
He never dreamed he’s bore love
And go to live alone,
But he lay his Rose to rest,
Looked up to heaven and tried his best
To believe that

Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.

The precious Rose of Sharon,
Broken and bruised in cruel shame,
Stained on the cross of Calvary,
So that men might be saved,
Oh, Satan cheered as He died,
While Mary and the others cried,
Then God raised Him up from that sleep
And kept a promise only He could keep.

Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.





I can't wait to see what my future Roses look like :)

Ryan

Near and Dear to my Heart

Many times I will write words into this blog then erase them. I want to say the right things, I want to know that God is speaking through me to maybe help someone else. I've been praying constantly that God will reveal himself to me, to help me heal and to help me write in this blog the way I wanted to. Now, I know there is no such thing as a dumb prayer, but today I realized how that prayer must sound to God. He made me realize that I just need to open my eyes wider and look around. He is everywhere and in everything. In every situation good or bad, He is there. In every flower whether it be blossoming beautifully or withering away, He is there. In the birth of a heathly baby, or the in the birth of a still one....

HE IS THERE.


Last night for some reason was a horrible night for me, I believe I cried harder and longer than I did when we actually found out that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat. Many times when I am that way, Andrew is at a loss for words and doesn't know exactly what to say, so he just holds me, and it helps...a lot. That is the exact same thing that God does. He holds us. He holds us when we are having a good day, or when we are having a bad day. He holds us during the happiest moments of our lives and in the midst of grief and sorrow. He lets us know in the most subtle ways that he is close to us just as we need Him to be. That's how great my God is, he knows how deep my sorrow and grief over Paisly is and he is there for me.


I went to greenboro today and picked up my pendant that I had ordered a few weeks ago, it has Paisly's name hand stamped onto it and has baby feet print on a heart above it. It is symbolic in so many ways. She left feet print on my heart just by being pregnant with her, and holding her sweet body after she was born. She has changed Andrew and I so much with her short life. She is so near and dear to my heart, just like the pendant that lies just above it. She is my sweetheart that I will forever remember kicking and prodding into my ribs and constantly kicking my bladder :)

Helping From a Distance

Ok, so you all know that I started this blog because of the book I read by Angie Smith called "I will Carry You". Well she also has a blog named "Bring the Rain" on here and I have started reading her blog from the beginning, when her trial started with her sweet daughter Audrey, whom she knew would not survive outside of her womb since she was 20 weeks pregnant, yet continued to carry her as long as our Lord would let her. Let me say that if I ever meet this woman in person, I think I will just ball my eyes out. She is so intelligent and has so much wisdom when it comes to scripture. She has a sweet spirit, and I know that she was sent by God to help people like me to get through our own trials. When I am having a day, or even just a moment that I feel my faith isn't the way it should be, or question God's plan I can go to her book, or her blog and read and she helps give me the reassurance that I need. I want to show you this post, this is how almost all her posts are. I don't know exactly if it's ok to copy/paste like this but I want you to see it. (She had just been to a Dr.'s appt)

"This is not a baby God intended for us to keep.

I feel like I need to address that last sentence. You may remember that I asked for you to pray for a miracle today, and you might feel like He failed me. He didn't.

I want you all to hear me on this, especially those of you who are in a place of questioning as far as God is concerned. As much as I want to have my Audrey, I am (truthfully) completely at peace allowing Him to have the final say. It isn't because I'm so super-spiritual or because I have a more direct line to God than anyone else. It is because He tells us we can trust Him with our lives, and I simply choose to believe Him.

....

I prayed and prayed after my appointment about the words I would post, and I kept asking God for wisdom. As my parents and my grandmother left my house late this afternoon, I went to sit on our front porch with Kate. It was a spectacular day here today, well above 70 degrees and as clear as glass. But as we sat in the shadow of our house, it got cold. The wind whipped through and made us shiver. I was tempted to go inside, as neither of us were dressed for what was turning out to be a pretty cold evening. It was just so beautiful, though, and I felt my mind start to rest. It felt so good to just sit in the silence for a minute and gather my thoughts. I looked at Kate, thumb in her mouth, her other arm wrapped around her shoulder.

"Honey, do you want to go inside?"

She knew that the implication was that I was going to stay outside. She shook her head.

"No, I wanna stay with you." She continued to stare straight ahead although her body gave a quick shudder, as if to acknowledge that she agreed that it was uncomfortable.

Against my better parenting instincts, I let her sit, and as I watched her bare feet resting on the cold brick, it occurred to me that regardless of the cost, she wanted to stay with me. She would rather shiver and suffer than be on the other side of the door.

This is how I feel about my Jesus.

It is cold. It is uncomfortable. It is not the perfect situation in my eyes. I am barefoot and unprepared for what happens when a summer day turns unexpectedly to a winter chill, but He sits beside me. I guess I always have the option to run and get warm, but like my Kate, I would rather see what He shows me from this perspective."
(Bring the Rain-Angie Smith)

Sorry, I know it's long, but I wanted you all to read it. I was discussing with a coworker today about how people get through situations like mine and we both agreed that the only possible way was God himself. As much as I don't like what he has chosen for our family, I want to believe in him. He knows the whole story, I only know half, which is what has happened already. He knows the future, He knows all of it. He knows the beginning middle and end and has everything all planned out the way it should be and I will continue to praise and worship His holy name. Thanks again for all your prayers, they mean more than any of you will ever know.

<3 Ryan

Back to Work I Go

Let me tell you how much I do NOT miss waking up at 4am!!!! That is just one part of my job I have yet to get used to. You would think after 4 years you would but...nope. I was glad to get back to work because sitting in a house with an empty nursery for 6weeks isn't exactly wonderful; but at the same time I was nervous for my first few days. I thought that the patients would be talking about Paisly and everything that happened and it would be a real emotional first day back with them. I was wrong, my wonderful co-workers prepped them haha. No one said anything unless I said something first. I got to hear a few stories of patients that went through either the same or similar situations as mine. It honestly blows my mind to know that so many couples have to deal with this type of tragedy! I also had many many patients tell me that they have had us in their prayers. I'm so happy to know that so many people care enough to place our names in prayer. I can never express how much I appreciate all the prayers because we definitely need them.

On monday while I was in Greensboro with the bff, we went to our usual store; The Jewel Box...I LOVE that store!!! Anyway, while we were there I ordered a necklace and I can't wait till it comes in!!! It's a circle pendant that has Paisly's name handstamped on it, then another pendant that lays on top in the shape of a heart with baby feet on it. I'll post a pic as soon as I get it, they said it would be 3 weeks before they got it back! I can't wait!

School starts back on the 23rd...I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. It was nice this summer not worrying about writing papers and doing projects. I signed up for 4 classes thinking I would have Paisly to care for. I'm trying to find a 5th class so that I will only have to take 1 summer class then I'll be DONE!!! That is until I decide to go back...we'll see how that goes later, I'm not quite sure what the game plan is for that. I just want to get past that milemarker!!!

For all of you keeping up with this blog I want to thank you for caring and for all the many prayers you say for us. I want to ask that you keep praying for our family because we need them!

balloons

On Paisly's due date, I was having one of my "bad days" I couldn't stop crying and thinking about what we should have. I was texting a really good friend, someone who's been there for me in so many ways. She gave me the great idea to write another letter to Paisly like I did on here, but on paper then tie it to a balloon and release it in the air to her. I called family and they all wanted to be a part of it. It was so special and it honestly helped so much. We all wrote letters to little Paisly. Andrew and I read each other's letters but everyone else kept theirs between them and Paisly. It was so special watching them fly off into the distance.






Andrew's mawmaw even said that once when Ricky was younger they did this in class, and wrote their addresses so that whoever found their letters could write back. Well Ricky's letter made it all the way to NEW YORK!!! Mom said that whoever found these letters better have a box of kleenex ready!!! I'm so glad we did it, I believe we are going to do it every year on her birthday, June 21st. That night after Andrew and I had done our devotions we were talking quite a bit, and I was telling him how I felt as far as the consistency thing...feeling at peace with God's plans one day and trusting them, then the next questioning and not having the faith I need to. Andrew put it like this to me. He said "Ryan there is no gray with God. It's black or white, either you believe in him completely which means you trust his plan or you don't". I tell you what- I married a smart smart man. He's completely right, I have to believe God all the time, I can't let myself sit and think myself out of believing that he knows what he is doing.

Thank you God for sending Andrew to me. You have blessed us in so many ways.

the due date

I've had quite a bit of time to sit in silence and think of what all has happened, and still I don't think it's quite set in. Being out for 6 weeks of maternity leave is a wonderful thing...when you have a little baby to share it with. Six weeks of silence however...not so wonderful.
Many times I feel guilty if I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I should be the sleep deprived woman who is cranky and doesn't have any time for herself. I hate it that I have so much time on my hands and that my clothes are actually clean. I want so badly to have tons of puke-stained shirts to complain about. Some days I feel like I've come to terms with what has happened and then other days I just don't want to believe it. Many, many nights I dream this dream that my doctor comes in holding Paisly and says "She's right here, she's ok now!". Then I wake up and realize that won't ever happen. I hate that I have no consistency. One day I'm ok and I can proudly say she's in heaven then the next I can't stop crying because I want her here. I try my hardest to tell myself that she's in heaven, and that thought makes me happy, but I also wanted so many things for her here. Andrew is so good to me, he keeps saying that she won't ever have to worry about getting hurt here or bad things happening to her and thats true and I'm so glad, but what about the good things? I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress, I wanted to see Andrew walk her down the isle...I really wanted to see how Andrew would react to her first boyfriend. I wanted to listen to her little giggles and put her hair in pigtails. Every little thing we do, I can't help but think of how we would do it if Paisly were with us. I know this sounds silly but I was looking forward to saying we had a party of 3 when we went out to eat. I went to sign a birthday card the other day and when I was pregnant with her I would sign all three of our names. I did it for so long I started to do it on that card...but then I stopped myself. She is still part of our family but do I sign her name on cards? I mean when someone older passes we no longer put their names on cards. I hate this...it's not like there's a booklet on telling you how to handle this type of situation. I know this post isn't quite as inpirational as the others, but today is just one of those days when I don't understand. Today is Paisly's due date. She would be here by now if everything had went as planned. But as Andrew said yesturday when I was upset... "It did go as planned...God's plan" It's so easy to say and accept God's plan when it goes your way, but with situations like this; when it doesn't go like you, or anyone wanted it to, it's very very hard to accept. Keep me in your prayers today because today is one of those days. The days that we question God, like we aren't supposed to, the days that we don't understand God's plan, and the days that we just can't accept the facts of whats happening. I hate putting a post like this up, but this is me today. I don't want people to think that I'm this purely holy woman who isn't human. This is me, and this is what I'm feeling. Just pray for me today.

postpartum checkup and surgery

Monday I went to the Dr for my postpartum check up. She informed me that all the testing that they did on Paisly came back normal. The whole time I was pregnant with her they thought she had a chromosomal abnormality which caused the ventriculomegaly and the excess amniotic fluid. The Dr informed me that every test came back normal. Aside from those two things, my baby was perfect. I would have never ever wanted anything to be wrong with her, but I'll admit that I thought having a reason would help me cope with her loss. I am so glad that my baby was healthy, they had said that if she did have some type of chromosome abnormality that we would have to to go genetic counseling for our future children. Everything else went well and I should be returning back to work next Wednesday.

I did however have my gallbladder taken out on wednesday. It went well other than they found a blockage and on thursday they went back in and had to cut my gallbladder duct to make it larger to get all the "sludge" out. That just sounds disgusting to me! That's all I'm going to write for now... I still feel a little drugged up with all the pain killers. More to come later :)

A letter to my sweet Paisly Grace

Dear Paisly,

First I want to tell you what an impact you have already made on so many people and this brings me so much joy, so much that people wouldn't understand. I know in my heart of hearts that you are with our Lord and Savior and that gives me peace. I know you are safer and happier than you could ever be in this old world. Your daddy said that he is glad to know he doesn't have to worry about you, he knows your pawpaw is up there playing with you and telling you all kinds of jokes. He says just play and have fun. I want you to know that your daddy is wonderful to me, and I know that he would have been such a great daddy to you...he already is a great daddy to you. When you were in my belly we read books to you at night. Your daddy was so hilarious, instead of reading the books word for word he would make up his own parts of the story to fit in. You kicked and kicked listening to his crazy stories. He was so protective of you. He wouldn't let me clean anything...I wasn't even allowed to dust!!! He wanted so many things for you...he even had a cute pink rifle picked out that he was going to take you hunting with :)

I want you to know you were so loved, I'm sure Jesus has told you how much your family here cares for you, they were all so hurt to know that you wouldn't be staying with us fulfilling all the dreams we had for you. Both your Nana and Mamaw had something for you almost every time I saw them, Paci's and bears and clothes galore!!! Your aunts and uncles were thrilled about you coming. Your Pa and Papaw had plans to tell you Navy stories and try to coax you into being a Carolina fan...that wasn't going to happen if I had anything to do with it :)

We had everything ready for your arrival. I have tons and tons of bows and shoes I planned to match with the cutest of outfits! Although we had all of your worldly things ready, we could have never ever been as prepared for you as our Lord was. He knew you were coming sweet baby. He knew the exact time that you would enter into his kingdom and he was ready for you. As much as he is caring for you, he is doing the same for me. He has placed so many people here that are showering your mommy and daddy with prayers. We need them because we are devastated that you are not here with us. I often sing to you, hoping that Jesus lets you hear me. I sing "the cupie cake song", I sang it to you when you were in my belly and I had planned to sing it to you every night when I put you to sleep. I looked forward to putting bandaids on your little knees followed by big kisses; but I know you will never need any type of bandaid in heaven and I am so glad!

I love you my sweet angel and I miss you terribly. I cannot wait to see you again someday soon.

2Samuel 12:23 says: But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
I know that I will never see you again on this side but I have so much comfort in knowing that I will see you on the other side of Glory.

I love you my little cuppie cake

Love, Mommy

A day of sorrow and joy intertwined

On Saturday June 20th, I went to work like any other day. She wasnt' moving quite as much as usual. Usually on the way to work she is so active...it's like she was screaming the same thing I was thinking "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK". We went anyway, and that day I talked our wonderful nurses into giving me half a day :) I was so excited that night Andrew was going to take me to IHOP for chocolate chip pancakes because the 19th was my birthday, and I had been craving chocolate chip pancakes for quite a while now. We ate then went to mom's for a few minutes just to visit. By this point Paisly was barely moving at all, her movements were few and far between. I honestly was a little worried, but since the Dr said I would go into labor early due to the extra fluid I thought she was getting ready for birth; I'd been having contractions for a couple of weeks and they were getting more common. We went to bed that night, and I told Andrew that if she didn't liven up by morning I would call the on-call nurse. Morning came and she hadn't moved at all as far as kicks and punches, but certain areas of my belly would harden then soften so I thought that was her moving. We went on to church and while I was singing in the choir I had three contractions in a row and she still hadnt kicked. She would move like crazy during all the singing usually. After church was out I called the nurse and told her everything that was going on. She said to go straight to the hospital.

I remember asking Andrew if we needed to go ahead and put the car seat in the car just in case, but he said no that if she came that day he would get someone to come get it before we brought her home. I was so ready for her to come home. Aside from us hanging her name over her crib we were completely ready. I had washed all the bazillion clothes she as in the smell-good dreft. I washed all her Dr. Browns bottles and all her pacifiers. I organized her closet and had all her blankets folded neatly. I was so ready to meet my little girl. I was so obsessed with knowing if she had mine or Andrew's nose, and if her little toes would be long like Andrew's or short and stubby like mine.

We got to the hospital and while we were signing in the secretary was picking on Andrew saying that his little girl would have him wrapped around her little finger the first time she looked at him. After only seconds of waiting the nurse called us back. She put the doppler on my belly but couldn't seem to get the heartbeat, she then took us to another room and hooked me up to the monitor, she couldn't find a hearbeat then either. I couldn't help but cry, I thought what is wrong with this woman, why can't she find Paisly's heartbeat. She called another nurse in who couldn't find it either. They decided to do an u/s to make absolute sure. She put the wand on my belly and there Paisly was...as still as I'd ever seen her. Then she put the wand over her heart which was usually pounding...but it was still. She was gone. My little girl was gone. I didn't want to believe it I thought they made a mistake and that I could come back later and it would be ok.

After making a few calls to family members the Dr came it to tell us what we were going to do. She said they would induce labor. I refused. My friend and I talked about "pushing presents", she said she wanted earrings for hers, and I said that Paisly was my pushing present because nothing in this world would be a better gift to me than she was. I wanted a C-section, I refused to be in pain with no gain at the end. The dr told me I couldn't have a c-section because then all my later pregnancies would most likely be through c-section and that it gave a possibility of infection. I gave in and they took me to a labor and delivery room upstairs.

I had visitors coming and going and family who stayed with us. Andrew was by my side the entire time...other than when he went to eat. For those of you that know Andrew knows that he has got to be eating constantly. I actually had a pretty easy labor I would say. I was in labor a total of 15 hours, they were painless and for that I thank God. Morning came and I felt the need to push. I pushed only three times and Paisly Grace was born. She came at 7:26 in the morning. She weighed 4lbs 9oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I said of course.

My precious baby was honest to goodness the most beautiful thing I had ever set my eyes on. She had rose colored lips and pinch-worthy cheeks. The first things I looked at were her nose...she has her uncle Adam's nose, it fits her perfectly. Then I looked at her toes, she had Andrew's toes; long long toes. She did though, on her left foot have just a tad of webbing :) My toes are webbed and I prayed that she wouldn't have that; but I am so glad she did she was a piece of me. I held her and showed her around, she was my pride and joy... IS my pride and joy. It was so surreal, it was a sad day because she was born sleeping yet it was a happy day because I got to meet my sweet Paisly Grace face to face.

Tears flowed and she was passed around as if she were alive. Everyone wanted to hold her and see who she looked like...by the way she looked exactly like Andrew. That day was the best and worst day of my life. It was horrible because I never got to hear my baby cry, or see what color her pretty eyes were. I didn't get to feel her fingertips grasping for mine or see her cute feet kicking relentlessly. I did however get to hold my angel in my arms. I told her how beautiful she was, I rocked her and told her how much I loved her.

My God is an awesome God. During that time I didn't know what to think. I didn't understand how God could take my child from my arms. Last night after I wrote the earlier posts I came across this scripture and it speaks volumes to me.

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2Corinthians 4:18

I try not to focus on the fact that my daugher is not screaming and crying in her crib, but that she is laughing and playing with Jesus in the most beautiful and safe place she could ever be; heaven. God's plan for Paisly was short here on earth but is everlasting in his arms. Sometimes we aren't shown what God's plans or reasons are but that is where faith steps in. We must have faith that our Lord knows what is best for us and believe in his master plan.

wow that could have been a novel...

some medical business

I was thrilled to see two pink lines. I honestly thought that I could buy stock in pregnancy tests for a while there. I called the Dr and was kind of dissapointed to know that I wouldn't be going in until I was 8 weeks...I wanted to go in right then; I wanted little profile ultrasound pictures right then. A week after I called, I started having some pain on my right side so I called again and they told me to come in that day. I went and they did an ultrasound. After the ultrasound they took me into a Dr's office...not my doctor a different one. He hurridly (it was lunch time) told us that the baby wasn't looking to be in my uterus, it looked like she had barely made it out of my fallopian tube. They called it an interstitial pregnancy.
That Dr then proceded to say that if the "embryo" didn't move that it would rupture my uterus and I would bleed to death before I could make it to any hospital. He said if she didn't move that I should take a pill "to make the embryo dissolve"...
A PILL??? TO MAKE MY BABY DISSOLVE???

absolutely NOT!

I said no and that I would like to wait to see if the baby moved and he agreed. So I waited a few days then went back to have another u/s, she still hadnt moved and they kept pushing the idea to take "the pill" and I kept refusing asking for more time. We had about 7 u/s's within 2 weeks. Finally the 5th Dr we spoke with ordered an MRI to make absolute sure because the latest u/s showed a heartbeat and he didn't believe in ending a life without knowing that every other possible option wouldn't work. To this day I believe God himself had a series of events that led us to see that Doctor. I went for an MRI, and we found that she was in my uterus :) I was so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth.

I didn't go back until I was 19 weeks. I was focused on finding out the sex of the baby. Andrew and I had an agreement that if it was a girl that I got to decorate the nursery and if it was a boy he could decorate. I hated all the decor andrew was looking at so I was bound and determined that my little "tater tot" was going to be a girl.We already had names picked out, we've had them picked out since we got married. Paisly Grace for a girl and Cohen Abel for a boy. I was right, it was a girl :) After they looked at the sex of the baby they checked all the other growth factors. You know when you just have a feeling that they are looking at something too closely? I had that feeling and I was right. After the u/s they took us into the Dr's office once again. She told us that Paisly had ventriculomegaly. The ventricles in her brain were a tad bit bigger than they usually saw and were worried about it. She referred us to a neonatal neurologist. They found the same thing but there were no other factors leading to any type of diagnosis. They said they would just continue to monitor her for the rest of my pregnancy. We prayed and prayed and prayed. God gave me peace my whole pregnancy. I felt like Paisly was completely normal and that nothing would be wrong with her. Although I felt that way, Andrew and I were completely prepared for her to have special needs, which is what the Dr's said might have been a possibility. We knew God would help us if that was the case, but I knew it was not.

Things were consistant with her ventricles, they stayed enlarged. When I was about 30weeks I went to have an u/s; they said that I had excess amniotic fluid, but didn't know the cause of it and said it could be related to the ventriculomegaly.I had another u/s when I was 32 weeks and her ventricles had enlarged even more and they didn't know why so they scheduled another MRI at WFU. The results of that MRI were all normal. Everything was normal with her anatomy other than the ventricles in her brain. Usually they said with this there would be other factors that would lead them to a diagnosis but Paisly had none. She was perfect. I had been doing non stress tests twice a week for a few weeks at this point, and they said that we would just continue this until I went into labor. They were always normal, she kicked that little monitor constantly...she didn't like it at all! Everyone always commented on how active she was, and I loved it. The thursday before everything happened was my last NST and u/s. I sat in the little room with the monitors hooked up to me listening to the beautiful sound of Paisly's heartbeat and the often sound of her kicking the monitor...it was so bad that I had to constantly hold the monitor and adjust it so often that I did it for the nurses because they got tired of coming in there every 2 seconds! If I could go back I would have recorded that beautiful sound. That day they did an extra u/s and the dr said that I had even more fluid but it was ok for now...insinuating that next week may be a different story. She told me that because of all the fluid that I would go into labor early. I knew I didn't want her to come too early because I wanted her to be healthy but I was so excited to meet her and hold her I wanted her to come right now! I was completely impatient my whole entire pregnancy...Had I known what was going to happen I would have savored every single moment of it...

Our Story

My best friend introduced Andrew and I when we were seniors in high school....that was almost 7 years ago...wow. Seems like it was just yesturday that he walked into the gym during a basketball game; wearing some wranglers, boots and a cowboy hat :) It's so weird looking back, he was supposed to be my blind date to my junior prom and I said no because I didn't want my prom date to be a blind date (he's even in the background of many of my prom pictures, he went with someone else). Then I started working at Henry James only a week after he had quit...so odd how many times we could have gotten to know each other before we actually did. That night at the basketball game I remember thinking how I usually wasn't attracted to the country boy type..but Andrew was right up my ally ha!

Fastforward a few years...to September 2, 2006. Now that was one of the best days of my life. We had the most spiritual ceremony I had ever attended, and I'm glad to say that it was my own. God was definitely present while we said "I do". From that moment Andrew wanted a family. I've always wanted a family from the time I was 5 I've had at least three or four names picked out at a time...ya know just in case God blessed me with quads :)

After we had been married about two years we decided that maybe we needed to try fertility drugs as we were not getting pregnant on our own. We were on cycles of drugs and had procedures done to help us get pregnant. After a year of this we decided it was God's way of telling us it just wasn't our time so we thought we would take a break. I was actually at peace with not being pregnant just yet because I still needed to finish school...(I STILL am trying to finish school but thats a whole new blog in itself!!!) On Thanksgiving morning I just thought that maybe I should take a test. I had to work that day so I was going to wait until my lunch hour to take one. I took it and it was POSITIVE! I was a whole bag full of emotions, I didn't know what to do with myself! I was so excited to tell Andrew but he had to work 2nd shift that night (I tried my hardest to convince him to leave early but it didn't work) when he got home I gave him a gift bag with the positive test in it. I have never seen that man so happy. At midnight we had to travel across town to tell his parents because I refused to tell them over the phone, that has been another wonderful day of my life...and so this is where our sweet Paisly's story begins...

New beginnings and trusting Him

I got the idea to write a blog after reading the book "I will carry you" written by Angie Smith. I'm hoping this blog will accomplish a few things; informing those who are curious about our story and our sweet Paisly Grace, help me cope with what is happening, and share the gospel of Jesus Christ. I've read her blog and many others who have experienced what I have and if my blog can speak to just one person like they have spoke to me I will be satisfied. I'm sitting here...at 1am wondering if I'm crazy for starting this and if I'll actually keep up with it like I need to.
I hope I do, I want to. I'll be starting back to work next week, then in August I'll be starting school full time as well soooo...we'll see how it goes. Prayers would be much appreciated! This whole blogging thing can be a little confusing...I've been trying to figure out how to make this thing cute for almost an hour now!!! I'd like to put a cute paisley print back ground up... I'm glad I named her Paisly...the print has become so popular that I see it constantly and at first I didn't know if I'd like that, being constantly reminded that she is gone, but it's just the opposite. I love being reminded that she exists, she may not be here physically but I know that my daughter's sweet spirit will be with me until the day I meet her again in heaven.

I hope this blog speaks to you...or anyone. I want to tell everyone that God has a master plan, we may not know it and most likely this blog will remind me as well that we have to trust and have faith that he knows what he is doing even if it feels like no good can come of it...we have to trust...