Embarrassed, but back.

I almost didn't want to show my face, it has been so long since I've written, how embarrassing. I'm really not even sure where to start to catch up. It has been over two years since I've written and so much has happened. Montgomery is now 3 years old. She is a bundle of glittery, princess, sparkly happiness. I love looking at her crinkled up nose when she smiles. She really does light up my life. She has started preschool and she loves it. I love that she loves it. What I love most is when I come to pick her up and she runs to me and screams "Mommy" like she hasn't seen me in forever. Seeing her run to me with open arms just makes me melt, and makes me thank God. I thank God for that little girl because so many days her warm smile and tight hugs are exactly what this worn out momma needs. She is now a middle child. In January 2013 we very unexpectedly found that I was pregnant. It was a mix of emotions since it was our first unplanned pregnancy, but hey, God know's what He's doing, right? I grew with excitement each time I saw that tiny nugget on the ultrasound screen. When I was almost 18 weeks pregnant, I started having pains at work. I went to the bathroom and just prayed. Because of my history with pregnancy, I worry a lot and I prayed, God if this is you telling me something is wrong...let me know, am I worrying for a reason or just because my flesh is worrying? Instantly I was overwhelmed with emotion and had Andrew pick me up and take me straight to the hospital. Again, that wand was placed on my belly and all we saw were bones. No movement, no heartbeat. Not again. Why, why, why, why?!

Okay God, you used Paisly to change us, and we did. I gave it all to you, so why this baby? What is your plan now???

We were given a choice to have an advanced D&C or to birth the baby. We chose to birth the baby since birthing and holding Paisly gave us such closure. It was an easy birth, considering the circumstances. I was taken to that same room at the end of the hall with the picture of the leaf placed on the door. That stupid picture. We birthed a tiny baby boy who we named Cohen Abel. He was just a little bigger than my hand but was perfectly formed. Ten little toes, ten tiny fingers. Once again, a perfect little baby who had already entered the kingdom of God. I will admit this time was a little easier as I had Montgomery to hold on to when I was having a tough time and she seemed to know exactly when those times were. I had already given all of my children to God and as much as this hurt, I knew God was using Cohen's short life for something.

Having graduated with my undergrad in 2011, I had not found a job in my field. This was something in my life that was so frustrating to me. Why in the world can't I find a job using this degree I worked so hard to obtain?! I just prayed. I remember being so frustrated and ill. Finally I just dropped on my knees crying hysterically asking God to put it all in front of me.

Please show me what you want me to do with my life, with what you've given me. 

He gave me three children. Three children. Use them. That's what I heard from him. I started thinking, searching and praying more that God show me how to use them for His glory. Hmm, maybe He wants me to teach, or be a school counselor to help other kids? After talking with a close friend about school counseling, it hit me like a ton of bricks. She is a LPC, a Licensed Professional Counselor. We had some pastoral grief counseling and it helped tremendously after we lost Paisly.  It just slapped me in the face, exactly what I had prayed for. He wants me to help other mother's who have experienced this heart wrenching grief of child loss. I looked into the programs available and after much prayer for confirmation, I enrolled into a  masters program to become a professional counselor. That was in the fall of 2013. I am scheduled to graduate this May, Praise God! This program has been so eye opening and life changing. I have learned so much about myself, about God. I've learned more Scripture and biblical worldviews during this program than I have in the last twenty years of my life. My plan is to become a child therapist as I love children, but I will also conduct grief therapy with bereaved parents or family members as a cost-free ministry. After paying for an unplanned funeral and hospital expenses we had no resources to pay for therapy which we definitely needed. I want to use this education and experience God has given me to help others who have been through what we have been through. I can't say enough how blessed I am. I am so thankful God has opened these doors and gave me this opportunity.

Cupcakes and Commercials

Have you seen the latest March of Dimes commercial? Well I just saw it and it showed a babies nursery then gave a statistic of how many babies never get to see their nursery. Paisly was one of those babies.

I'll never forget the day we came home after having Paisly. I just sat in her nursery in her rocking chair and cried. While I was pregnant with her I would just go sit and rock and imagine her playing in her room. I would look in her closet and go through clothes and picture her wearing those cute little dresses with matching bows. After we came home without Paisly I just sat in her rocking chair and cried. I remember going through many phases of how I could handle things and I am so grateful for those who were patient with me through them. At first I sat in her nursery and cried. Then I shut the nursery door and did not want to go in there or anyone else to for that matter. Then we bought a house and I had no choice but to go in there to pack. I waited until the very last minute and packed her things but I didn't want anyone else doing it. It is just crazy to look back and remember the things that upset me or made me feel better. To this day I still have little quirks about certain things. For example I have a tote with her personalized things in it, or things that were just 'hers'. Her diaper bag with her name embroidered on the front, clothes that had paisley print on them or a 'P'. I have to keep them in the hall closet. I can't bare to put them in the attic or the basement. All those things she never got to use. All those things I imagined her wearing or playing with that she never got to.  I could still sit here and imagine endlessly the things she would be doing now. Potty trained perhaps? Running around messing up what I just cleaned? Drawing with sidewalk chalk? all day I could imagine...

I can also imagine what she is doing in heaven. Talking with Jesus safe and secure in His love (yes that is a song :)) I wonder the people she has met. Relatives, those we have read about in history books people of the Bible. Noah, Jonah, Job, Mary oh I bet she hears stories from them that no history book could ever explain. I miss my little girl and Mother's Day makes it just a little harder. I love being a mother. Absolutely love it. Someone asked if motherhood is all I ever thought it would be. As far as having a little girl to love on and play with and teach new things of course it is absolutely wonderful. As far as having one little girl here with me and one little girl in Glory...not so much.

As it is mother's day and my mom's birthday next week, we are throwing her a surprise party where my sister will be flying down from NYC to surprise Mom. I can't wait to see her face! I'm attempting to make 'high heel cupcakes' for the occasion. I got the idea from pinterest. Oh the ideas you can get from pinterest- except the cupcakes off pinterest look so cute! my cupcakes on the other hand...look like a 5 year old made them. I'll have to post pics after the party is over.

Finally I'm back!

You would not believe how hard it was to get back into this blog!!! About two months ago I tried to get in to update and it would not let me in!

In my mind I'm thinking Is the Lord punishing me because I have not written in so long?

I started this blog through my school email which is a google hosted email and anyway through a lot of confusion it wouldn't let me in so I posted on my facebook for some help and a wonderful, wonderful lady came to my rescue! Thank you so much April! She also has a site: www.krazyclippers.com please go check it out there are LOTS of great deals on there!

As soon as I logged in I looked at new comments and saw that someone was reading and how much it was helping her and her husband with their loss. When I read those comments I am so overwhelmed with joy that I am helping someone. When Paisly went to Glory and I was on maternity leave in an empty house, reading other's stories helped me so much. I feel so horrible that I haven't written in so long but then again I don't because I know the time away is well spent with my little Montgomery....who takes quite a bit of my attention.

She is into EVERYTHING! She's crawling very well, pulling up and I do believe she'll be walking within the next few weeks. She has a horrible fascination with cords and as I'm typing this she's trying to pull on the laptop cord. I will have to say that any simple task is not so simple anymore. Cooking supper consists of me putting her in the floor calling Bella (our dog) into the kitchen and putting a piece of tupperware between them to play together, little more cooking while I feel tugging on my pants,cooking a little then making sure she hasn't followed Bella out of the kitchen, making silly faces and then some more cooking. Whew its a task.

The other day I took Montgomery to get some Easter pictures made. It was something I've always known I'd do with my kids as weird as that sounds but getting Easter pics is a big deal to me. While it was a happy moment it was also one of those times where I see Montgomery and then I picture Paisly standing beside her or handing her one of those little plastic eggs. It is so easy to picture them together, doing things together , Paisly being the helpful big sister and Montgomery following and copying her every move. I also know that is not what God intended. I am still trying to cope with the fact that God's will was not for us to have Paisly here with us. Some days I am okay with that and others are more difficult.

I am so glad to be back on here and am going to try to keep things more current :) so for now I am going to leave you with quite a few pics of our "rainbow baby" (I've just now learned this term and find it amusing and appealing :))

 Mommy takes her picture so much she has started doing this as soon as I put it up to her!

swinging at the park

How Long Has it Been

Wow...I haven't written in quite a while. I was thinking this morning that I was going make time to write today and then thought how I would start this post out. I was going to start by apologizing for not writing in so long, but I cannot apologize for that. I cannot apologize for being so consumed in the life of the blessing God has given us. I work long hours at my job then come home to spend the last hours of my day caring for Montgomery and spending time with my little family, so no apologies here.  I will however update you on our little butter bean. Andrew took her to the doctor this past friday (she has her first cold...which I hate because you can do basically nothing for an infant with a cold.) She weighed 13lbs 8oz and is 26 1/2in long. Yes I know. This child has grown 6 1/2 inches in three and a half months...really. I cannot believe how much our lives have changed by having our two little girls. I absolutely love the man my husband has become. He is a daddy. Not just a father but a Daddy who is completely wrapped around his little girl's finger. I love watching him with her, and there is no doubt that she is a complete daddy's girl. When he walks in the room and speaks her head is whipping around to find him and when she does this adorable grin takes over her whole face. I would say that I am jealous of how smitten she is to her daddy, but I cannot. I know how special it is to be a daddy's girl.

Her first halloween was wonderful, it was so much fun making her costume. I want to make that a tradition, that I make her costumes, well I want to do it as long as I can, until she wants a store bought one. I enjoy making things for her just like my mom did for me. She was a Zebra for halloween and I must say she was the most adorable Zebra I've ever seen!

Montgomery with her Nana and Paw

I can say nothing except that I cannot thank God enough for the blessing He has given us. I don't know who or where either of us would be if it weren't for Him giving us Paisly Grace and the blessing which she entailed and then to bless us again with another beautiful little girl. It is unimaginable. Andrew and I were talking last night about how we want to raise Montgomery to be a Godly child. We talked about how easy it is to cling to God in troubling times then to drift away when things are good again. After we lost Paisly it was so comforting to be so close to God and now that we have Montgomery we want to stay that close to Him. We want to set the example to Montgomery that we need to have a close relationship with God not only in troubled times but during good times as well. I'll leave you with some more pictures of our little Montgomery and some from this years 'Walk to Remember'.

Andrew and I at the walk

Serious face

Before church last Sunday

Daddy's girl

I know I've said this a million times but I'll say it again. He has blessed us so much with our two girl and He is SO good :)



1 Samuel 1:27

Tears came to my eyes this morning as our photographer posted a collage on facebook of Montgomery's pictures with a verse under it.

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of Him:
1 Samuel 1: 27

Wow...how fitting is that?! Countless nights, from the time we got married Andrew and I prayed together that if it were the Lord's will that we have a child. In November 2009 we found that after going through many years of trying and fertility treatments that He had blessed us with a child. How great is He? Since the time I was a little girl I have wanted to be a mother. I would make lists and lists of children's names for my future kids. I had thoughts of what I wanted to be career wise; but my dream above anything else...was to be a mother. I pictured myself rocking a precious baby to sleep, kissing scraped knees and playing for hours on end with them in our big green picket fenced yard. That day (Thanksgiving '09) I was so thrilled to see that positive sign. The Lord answered our prayers.

After Paisly passed, I had mixed emotions about having more children. I knew any pregnancy from there on out would be so stressful and I would worry. Andrew and I had many talks about having more children. I think he wanted children more than I did, and I didn't think that was possible. We decided to start trying again. I thought that it would take way longer than it did because of how long it took us to get pregnant the first time. I was wrong. I took a test on thanksgiving day...I thought maybe it would be a tradition :)
It was negative so I went on with the days festivities and thought nothing else of it. That Saturday I just felt that I needed to take another test. So in the Lowe's hardware bathroom I peed on that tiny stick. I have never prayed as hard as I did then. I think I prayed for 10 minutes straight. I would start to end my prayer and then I would start right back up. When I finally looked at that stick and saw 2 pink lines... I just closed my eyes and prayed some more thanking my wonderful God for his blessings.

He has blessed us with two beautiful girls. Although Paisly isn't here with us, she is still such a blessing. I say 'is' not 'was' because to this day she is nothing but a blessing. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I am with God today.

I went to my bible and looked up that verse and kept reading. Verse 28 says "Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there".

Montgomery is His child.
Paisly is His child.
I am His child.

Thank you Hannah for sharing that with me.

Our Box

I don't even have to look to know what is in there. I've looked so many times I know it by heart.
It is baby blue and comes together with a tied silk ribbon.
Our box consists of:
-small pink card stock with her tiny foot prints
-the patient/doctor name card that was on our door
-A note that was placed on our door so that the staff would know that I was going home empty handed. It has a poem on the back and a picture of a leaf on the front.
-The CD that has all of her natural pictures on it
-A tiny pink crotchet toboggan and matching blanket
-Her cupcake outfit and bow (which we had planned to bring her home in)
-The hat the hospital puts on babies as soon as they are born...you know those ugly ones that looks like a piece of cloth tied together with a string at the top
-Three matching hospital bracelets which none of us ever got to wear
-A wisp of her black curls
-a measuring tape
-Her Obituary
On the inside of the top flap there is an insert that states:
Paisly Grace Davenport
June 21, 2010 @ 7:26am
4lbs. 9oz.
18 1/2 inches long
chest- 10 1/2 inches
Head- 11 1/2 inches


That's it. That is all I was given at the hospital when Paisly Grace was born. While there we had to decide what funeral home we were going to use so that they could come pick up her lifeless body that afternoon. Usually when you go through 15 hours of labor you are given a birth certificate right? We weren't. Usually when you have to pick a funeral home, then pick a casket that seems too small to even fit a stuffed animal inside of, you get a death certificate, right? We weren't. On paper, our daughter doesn't exist. How is that? I had to pay all those hospital and doctor's bills from when she was delivered. I have a bill that states I was in a labor/delivery room and was given medicine to ease the pain of labor. We paid a funeral home and a monument company to make her headstone. Yet I have neither a birth or death certificate. Although our beautiful daughter lived only in my womb, she still lived and died. I believe this needs to be recognized as such. Please be one to help change the laws so NC moms that have to give birth to their sleeping babies can have some acknowledgment that their baby's life matters.
Please go to this link and sign the petition
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/3/certificate-of-birth-resulting-in-stillbirth-in-north-carolina/

I would love to have something other than a little blue box that states that our daughter existed.

Three Weeks

Today Montgomery is three weeks old...where did these last three weeks go?! They have went by so fast! Montgomery is growing quickly, she looks different every day. She also does something new every day and I just love watching her grow.

I was so excited this last Sunday, we took Montgomery to her first church service. She did well, other than getting a little fussy because she was hungry. I believe she is going through a growth spurt; she is cluster feeding like crazy. That day she ate every hour most of the day, which can be extremely tiring! I was so happy to take her to church. I pray every night that Andrew and I are the parents that God wants us to be.  I feel that it is very important to be a good testimony, but I feel even stronger when it comes to Montgomery. I not only want to teach her about God and how good He is, but I want her to see me live it. I look at her all day and I can't help but think how can anyone not believe in God after seeing such a miracle...a beautiful miracle at that. I especially think about how much God has blessed us and I want her to see that as well. I want her to know how God blessed us with her older sister Paisly and how much she changed our lives and how God blessed us with her. I can't express how thankful I am that God has blessed us with our two beautiful girls and I want her to see that.

A comment left on my last post made me so happy...Montgomery is constantly smiling in her sleep and someone posted that when infants sleep and dream they are dreaming of playing with angels and that maybe she was dreaming about Paisly. I love that...when she is dreaming and smiling now I just imagine her and Paisly playing together.  I'm looking at her now laying beside me and she is smiling...so big. It is so adorable first she'll do a little grin then will break out into a full blown cheesy smile. I love it.