How Long Has it Been

Wow...I haven't written in quite a while. I was thinking this morning that I was going make time to write today and then thought how I would start this post out. I was going to start by apologizing for not writing in so long, but I cannot apologize for that. I cannot apologize for being so consumed in the life of the blessing God has given us. I work long hours at my job then come home to spend the last hours of my day caring for Montgomery and spending time with my little family, so no apologies here.  I will however update you on our little butter bean. Andrew took her to the doctor this past friday (she has her first cold...which I hate because you can do basically nothing for an infant with a cold.) She weighed 13lbs 8oz and is 26 1/2in long. Yes I know. This child has grown 6 1/2 inches in three and a half months...really. I cannot believe how much our lives have changed by having our two little girls. I absolutely love the man my husband has become. He is a daddy. Not just a father but a Daddy who is completely wrapped around his little girl's finger. I love watching him with her, and there is no doubt that she is a complete daddy's girl. When he walks in the room and speaks her head is whipping around to find him and when she does this adorable grin takes over her whole face. I would say that I am jealous of how smitten she is to her daddy, but I cannot. I know how special it is to be a daddy's girl.

Her first halloween was wonderful, it was so much fun making her costume. I want to make that a tradition, that I make her costumes, well I want to do it as long as I can, until she wants a store bought one. I enjoy making things for her just like my mom did for me. She was a Zebra for halloween and I must say she was the most adorable Zebra I've ever seen!

Montgomery with her Nana and Paw

I can say nothing except that I cannot thank God enough for the blessing He has given us. I don't know who or where either of us would be if it weren't for Him giving us Paisly Grace and the blessing which she entailed and then to bless us again with another beautiful little girl. It is unimaginable. Andrew and I were talking last night about how we want to raise Montgomery to be a Godly child. We talked about how easy it is to cling to God in troubling times then to drift away when things are good again. After we lost Paisly it was so comforting to be so close to God and now that we have Montgomery we want to stay that close to Him. We want to set the example to Montgomery that we need to have a close relationship with God not only in troubled times but during good times as well. I'll leave you with some more pictures of our little Montgomery and some from this years 'Walk to Remember'.

Andrew and I at the walk

Serious face

Before church last Sunday

Daddy's girl

I know I've said this a million times but I'll say it again. He has blessed us so much with our two girl and He is SO good :)



1 Samuel 1:27

Tears came to my eyes this morning as our photographer posted a collage on facebook of Montgomery's pictures with a verse under it.

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of Him:
1 Samuel 1: 27

Wow...how fitting is that?! Countless nights, from the time we got married Andrew and I prayed together that if it were the Lord's will that we have a child. In November 2009 we found that after going through many years of trying and fertility treatments that He had blessed us with a child. How great is He? Since the time I was a little girl I have wanted to be a mother. I would make lists and lists of children's names for my future kids. I had thoughts of what I wanted to be career wise; but my dream above anything else...was to be a mother. I pictured myself rocking a precious baby to sleep, kissing scraped knees and playing for hours on end with them in our big green picket fenced yard. That day (Thanksgiving '09) I was so thrilled to see that positive sign. The Lord answered our prayers.

After Paisly passed, I had mixed emotions about having more children. I knew any pregnancy from there on out would be so stressful and I would worry. Andrew and I had many talks about having more children. I think he wanted children more than I did, and I didn't think that was possible. We decided to start trying again. I thought that it would take way longer than it did because of how long it took us to get pregnant the first time. I was wrong. I took a test on thanksgiving day...I thought maybe it would be a tradition :)
It was negative so I went on with the days festivities and thought nothing else of it. That Saturday I just felt that I needed to take another test. So in the Lowe's hardware bathroom I peed on that tiny stick. I have never prayed as hard as I did then. I think I prayed for 10 minutes straight. I would start to end my prayer and then I would start right back up. When I finally looked at that stick and saw 2 pink lines... I just closed my eyes and prayed some more thanking my wonderful God for his blessings.

He has blessed us with two beautiful girls. Although Paisly isn't here with us, she is still such a blessing. I say 'is' not 'was' because to this day she is nothing but a blessing. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I am with God today.

I went to my bible and looked up that verse and kept reading. Verse 28 says "Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there".

Montgomery is His child.
Paisly is His child.
I am His child.

Thank you Hannah for sharing that with me.

Our Box

I don't even have to look to know what is in there. I've looked so many times I know it by heart.
It is baby blue and comes together with a tied silk ribbon.
Our box consists of:
-small pink card stock with her tiny foot prints
-the patient/doctor name card that was on our door
-A note that was placed on our door so that the staff would know that I was going home empty handed. It has a poem on the back and a picture of a leaf on the front.
-The CD that has all of her natural pictures on it
-A tiny pink crotchet toboggan and matching blanket
-Her cupcake outfit and bow (which we had planned to bring her home in)
-The hat the hospital puts on babies as soon as they are born...you know those ugly ones that looks like a piece of cloth tied together with a string at the top
-Three matching hospital bracelets which none of us ever got to wear
-A wisp of her black curls
-a measuring tape
-Her Obituary
On the inside of the top flap there is an insert that states:
Paisly Grace Davenport
June 21, 2010 @ 7:26am
4lbs. 9oz.
18 1/2 inches long
chest- 10 1/2 inches
Head- 11 1/2 inches


That's it. That is all I was given at the hospital when Paisly Grace was born. While there we had to decide what funeral home we were going to use so that they could come pick up her lifeless body that afternoon. Usually when you go through 15 hours of labor you are given a birth certificate right? We weren't. Usually when you have to pick a funeral home, then pick a casket that seems too small to even fit a stuffed animal inside of, you get a death certificate, right? We weren't. On paper, our daughter doesn't exist. How is that? I had to pay all those hospital and doctor's bills from when she was delivered. I have a bill that states I was in a labor/delivery room and was given medicine to ease the pain of labor. We paid a funeral home and a monument company to make her headstone. Yet I have neither a birth or death certificate. Although our beautiful daughter lived only in my womb, she still lived and died. I believe this needs to be recognized as such. Please be one to help change the laws so NC moms that have to give birth to their sleeping babies can have some acknowledgment that their baby's life matters.
Please go to this link and sign the petition
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/3/certificate-of-birth-resulting-in-stillbirth-in-north-carolina/

I would love to have something other than a little blue box that states that our daughter existed.

Three Weeks

Today Montgomery is three weeks old...where did these last three weeks go?! They have went by so fast! Montgomery is growing quickly, she looks different every day. She also does something new every day and I just love watching her grow.

I was so excited this last Sunday, we took Montgomery to her first church service. She did well, other than getting a little fussy because she was hungry. I believe she is going through a growth spurt; she is cluster feeding like crazy. That day she ate every hour most of the day, which can be extremely tiring! I was so happy to take her to church. I pray every night that Andrew and I are the parents that God wants us to be.  I feel that it is very important to be a good testimony, but I feel even stronger when it comes to Montgomery. I not only want to teach her about God and how good He is, but I want her to see me live it. I look at her all day and I can't help but think how can anyone not believe in God after seeing such a miracle...a beautiful miracle at that. I especially think about how much God has blessed us and I want her to see that as well. I want her to know how God blessed us with her older sister Paisly and how much she changed our lives and how God blessed us with her. I can't express how thankful I am that God has blessed us with our two beautiful girls and I want her to see that.

A comment left on my last post made me so happy...Montgomery is constantly smiling in her sleep and someone posted that when infants sleep and dream they are dreaming of playing with angels and that maybe she was dreaming about Paisly. I love that...when she is dreaming and smiling now I just imagine her and Paisly playing together.  I'm looking at her now laying beside me and she is smiling...so big. It is so adorable first she'll do a little grin then will break out into a full blown cheesy smile. I love it.

Our Little Blessing

I need someone to invent two things for me....
-something to slow down time
-a bubble for me to put Montgomery in to keep all the germs away.

I knew I would be bad with the germs but its worse than I thought. I just can't stand the thought of anything that is not clean and pure being around her and time seems to be flying by! I mean Wednesday will be TWO WEEKS!!! It is amazing how much they change day by day. She does not at all look like the same baby I gave birth to.

Her birth by the way...piece of cake. I told Andrew that if all our children's births were as physically easy as Paisly's and Montgomery's I wouldn't mind having many more. We went to the doctor as scheduled on July 12th at 10am. I had an amniocentesis to check her lung development. We knew that we would hear the results by 5pm that day to see if her lungs were mature enough for me to be induced that night. Time went by so slow that day. Finally...at 4:45 they called and let us know that her lungs were mature and we were to be at the hospital that night to be induced at 7:15. The time between the phone call and leaving for the hospital went by slowly as well. I was so nervous and excited at the same time. I was ready to meet Montgomery but I was scared of how labor would go. They gave me medicine that night to start labor which wasn't bad, I slept till morning. The doctor came in that morning at 7:30 to break my water and start the pitocin, that made my contractions hard and strong. After I got my epidural I was in heaven...whoever thought of that idea is my new best friend. To make a long story short...I pushed maybe twice and Montgomery arrived at 12:21pm.

She is such a blessing. I can't thank God enough for all He has done for us. I could sit here all day and stare at her...basically I do which is why it has taken me so long to write this post! She amazes me with all she does as young as she is. She picks her head up and turns it to look around. My favorite thing is the many...many faces she makes in her sleep. She constantly smiles in her sleep...

I was scared of how I would feel about Paisly after Montgomery was born. I knew what I was missing in theory with Paisly and I thought that having Montgomery would make me know for certain what I never got to experience. I was right. I see everything I get to do with Montgomery and wonder how it would have been with Paisly but I'm not as upset about it as I thought I would be. It is still emotional because I'm seeing Montgomery grow already and I can't help but wonder how Paisly would have grown. I've prayed for God to give me peace about it and He has. I keep reminding myself that Paisly was part of His plan and so is Montgomery.  I just can't help but feel so blessed. God has given me two beautiful daughters. Although Paisly isn't here with us I still feel so blessed to have had her and I don't know what God has in store for us with Montgomery but I know that He knows and I trust Him and His plan.

Montgomery Ashlyn

Just wanted to announce that Montgomery Ashlyn was born!!!
She was born at 12:21pm on July 13th weighing in at 6lbs 6oz and 20 inches long.
I'll post more later, but for now I want to enjoy our little blessing :)



Dear Montgomery

To my Little Sister,

I will be your Guardian Angel

to help Mommy and Daddy watch over you,

because if you are like our Daddy

a lot of trouble you'll be getting into.

I'm sorry I cannot be there to hold your tiny hand.

God needed me in heaven, one day you'll understand.

Sisters forever is what we will be

and one day in heaven you'll get to meet me.

Until that day comes, on earth you will stay

and I will be there with you on your journey along the way.

Love,

Your Big Sister

Paisly Grace

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures

Here is Paisly's birthday bouquet

Here I am...34 weeks

Tutu and matching bow I made for little Miss Montgomery :)

Happy Birthday

Wow...I haven't written in a while. So sorry about that! I have been in summer school to completely finish my degree and Thursday was my last day...woot woot! Now I am completely finished with school....until I start my next degree which will be next year.

So much has been going on that I need to write about I'm just praying that with my preggo brain I can remember it all!

First things first...Tuesday, the 21st was my Cuppie Cake's 1st Birthday. I honestly wanted to just stay at home curled up in a ball all to myself. I knew though that wasn't what I needed and would just make me feel horrible. I forced myself to make a Dr's appointment. I'm going once a week now for non stress tests and I figured hearing Montgomery's heartbeat on that monitor for 30 minutes would make me feel better. I was right, it did and I got some great news which I will share a little further down the page :)  After my doctor's appointment I met up with a friend whom I met online. I'm so glad I didn't stay at home and got out. My friend, Jill had a precious little boy Ryland who passed away. It was so nice to meet with her and Austin and get to know them. Ryland and I share the same birthday- June 19th, and he passed away the same day Paisly Grace was born. Jill and I have kept in touch and talked quite a bit when everything first happened. She has also been blessed with another child so keep her in your prayers that her little boy comes into this world beautiful and healthy! She came down to Greensboro for a Dr's appointment as well then we met for lunch at Mimi's Cafe. It was delish! It was a good time and I'm so glad I finally got to meet her in person!!!

The night before Paisly's birthday I was making her flowers to take to her. They are so cute! I got cupcake ribbon and birthday ribbon and looped it in and out of the bouquet I made. I'm going to post some pictures, hopefully tomorrow.  That night I broke down. I was so excited about making her flowers then I couldn't help but think that it is so crazy I'm getting excited about flowers. I should be planning her birthday party which I had already planned to do in a cupcake theme and getting excited about that. After Paisly passed I signed up for these daily emails, they are called griefshare and they send you an email every day for one year. If you've ever had a loved one pass I strongly recommend this. For that day the email was about God being good. It started with this "Can you truly say that God is good?"  Then went on to say that one of the worst things you can do as a Christian is wear a mask on your face saying how great God is when actually your heart is breaking inside. I didn't know exactly what to think about this to begin with. I do believe that God is good but my heart is also still breaking inside.                                                            

I think what it means is that you can't just go around professing how wonderful God is if you don't honestly believe it. I do believe it. This past year has brought so many changes in my life and they all came about because of that precious sweet little girl that our Lord and Savior blessed us with. I am not at all the same person I was before I had Paisly and neither is Andrew. We have grown in God and grown with each other and all I can say about it is...God is good. I look around at all he has blessed us with and there is no other way to put it except for...God is GOOD!

Now for some other news....news I don't want to share. Andrew had been in contact with Bikers for Babies and March of Dimes for weeks. He talked to them all the time and did quite a bit of planning. One day I got home and he just looked crushed. I asked what was wrong and he informed me that March of Dimes had called that day and told him that they were not going to do the ride. They said if we wanted to have it, we could put their name on it but they would not be supporting us with it. Andrew is working very hard on trying to figure out something else to do for Paisly and all the other families like ours. He already has quite a few ideas we are just trying to sort them out to see which will work best.

Now for some good news :)... When I went to the Dr this past Tuesday they informed me that they were going to take Montgomery as early as they could. They are doing so because they we still do not know exactly what happened to Paisly Grace and because they know my anxiety level is high. So...they are going to do an amniocentesis (which I am VERY nervous about) at 36 weeks to see if her little lungs are developed and if so they are going to induce the next day. This means that in two weeks we may be having our little girl!!! This is very exciting and very nerve racking at the same time so prayers are much needed and appreciated!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Bikers for Babies

I am so proud of my husband! He has been saying since the day Paisly was born that he wanted to do something for her to keep her memory alive. He got a Harley Davidson not too long ago...as much as I worry and hate that he rides, I'm glad he got it because he has been wanting one since I can remember and what makes him happy, makes me happy. He told me today that he contacted March of Dimes to get a ride going and they agreed to do it!!! AND they are going to do it in Paisly's name!!! This just warms my heart beyond belief. He told me that the woman in charge of organizing these events said she was excited about having a ride because they haven't had any in this area. All afternoon it is all Andrew has talked about, ideas he has and plans for the ride. He is such a wonderful daddy. I know Paisly knows he is an awesome daddy and I can't wait for Montgomery to get here so she can see what a wonderful man her daddy is.

I know this is a short post, but I just wanted to gush about my hubby and how much I love him :)
I will be sure to keep everyone posted about the ride, but in the meantime if you know anyone who has a hog, tell them to be prepared to ride in the fall for Paisly Grace!

Preparations

I knew that getting ready for Montgomery was going to be hard...but I didn't know how hard. Surprisingly I'm not bawling my eyes out or crying hysterically but I know it's going to be a long road when it comes to unpacking all the baby boxes. I had today and tomorrow off from work and they will be my last days off before school starts next week. I'll be very busy between work, school and doctors appointments so I wanted to get some things done around the house. I got quite a bit accomplished today but not as much as I wanted. I've noticed that what I want to do doesn't usually go as far as what I can physically do. I'm usually the type of person that will not sit down until every single thing I want to be done is done. I can't exactly do that any more and I'm having a hard time accepting it. We got Montgomery's bedding the other day and I was so excited! Today I did some things in the nursery and put the bedding in the crib. I've found that I can do one or two things at a time then I have to go do something else. I cleaned the nursery of non-nursery things then started looking for what I could go ahead and unpack.

I'm going to admit that I'm just not 100% certain that Montgomery is a girl...I know the ultrasound tech said she was but...I'm just not convinced. We went ahead and bought the bedding (It's Abby's Farm by Cocalo) and I do hope and pray she is truly a girl but I'm just saying if we end up with a boy, I'm not going to be surprised. I was relieved when they told us she was a girl because that meant that I didn't have to put Paisly's things up in storage and we would get to use them for her little sister. When I had to pack up the nursery, I packed so that the girl-only things and unisex things were separate so that when I did get pregnant again I wouldn't have to go through everything again. Packing all that baby stuff was the hardest thing I had to do. All the fears and thoughts of I should be using these instead of putting them away and Am I going to ever use these things or will I end up giving them away raced through my mind. I am so blessed to know that I have been blessed once again and will get to use them all. So today, I put the bedding on the crib and unpacked a whopping...one box. The one box consisted of all the Dr. Brown's bottles and feeding things. Maybe if I unpack one to two boxes a week I'll be ready when Montgomery gets here.

On another note, I went to the Dr. last Thursday and found that little Montgomery isn't so little. She weighed 2lbs 8oz according to the ultrasound and the Dr. said that she is already big for her age. I'm so glad that I got to see her on that screen. She is already adorable, she was opening and closing her mouth like a little fish. This is wonderful because we know she is developing like she should and her lungs will be good and healthy. Everything looked perfect.  I talked to the Dr about my anxiety because Montgomery just does not move like Paisly did. Paisly moved constantly....Montgomery, not so much. He assured me that even before babies are born they have a personality and that Montgomery is just a laid back baby. As I'm typing this Montgomery is going into her very rare moving fits...and I don't mind at all. It's like she's saying Mommy I'm not lazy!!!

When I came home from the Dr, I wanted to write a post but blogger was down. While I was waiting at the Dr's office I met a lady. I had seen her in the big waiting room and she was very talkative and open. When I saw her again in the smaller waiting room I thought Oh Lord it's this woman, please don't let her ask me questions....but she did. She asked how far I was, if it was a boy or girl...all the common questions. Then I was praying that she didn't ask me if this was my first child. I LOVE sharing Paisly's story but sometimes its exhausting telling all the details and seeing peoples awkward reactions when I tell her story and that day I really just didn't feel like talking about it. Inevitably...she asked. I told her about Paisly and her response suprised me. She said "That just made my day". I was a little confused then she explained "To hear about your first daughter and see that God has blessed you so soon with another is just amazing". Wow...how right she is. I am blessed. I felt just plain horrible about thinking that I didn't want to share Paisly's story because this woman talked too much and here she opened my eyes with her many words. We continued to talk about her children and bows and shopping and other things until I was called to talk with the Dr. God really showed me that he always has something in store for me, whether it is something large like blessing us with another life or something simple like a talkative woman in a waiting room.

A bittersweet Day

I dreaded this day all week.
I thought I would be antisocial and not wanting to have anything to do with anybody.
I thought I would be depressed and sad and mad and just a basket case.
Much to my surprise I wasn't. Well...I was sad today but I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be. That's why I love my God. I prayed he would help me through today and he did, way beyond my expectations. I figured I would be crying on and off all day but I didn't. I kept it together for the most part. Andrew got me three cards; one from him, one from Paisly and one from Montgomery. I cried when I read Paisly's card and then this afternoon we went to see Paisly and I lost it a little then, but for the most part I had peace all day and for that I am so thankful.

On another note, this past Thursday night I had a great night....I GRADUATED!!! I am SO glad this day has finally come. I feel very accomplished at the moment but still have a little to go. I was able to walk at my graduation but still have to complete two summer classes. It was either walk now or in august which is when I am due and I knew it would be hard enough to sit through a graduation as huge as I am now. Then my plans are to take a year off from school then go back to finish my masters to be a Speech Pathologist. I can't wait till I'm finished and can start working as a Speech Therapist. I shadowed a friend and I LOVE it...can't wait!!!

Back to Mother's Day...I think what has helped me today as well, is that God has blessed me with another precious little girl and she's been sure to let me know she's here with me today. Kicks and punches and rolls all day have made me so happy.  Today was bittersweet because I know Paisly isn't here to shower me with mommy day kisses but I know where she is and that gives me peace. I also know that I have another little girl on the way that will one day be showering me with mommy day kisses and hugs. All I can say is I am blessed.

Easter

It's been SO long! So, so sorry! I am busy as a bee with all my school work coming to an end. Yesterday was my last day of classes for this semester (woohoo). Now I have two papers left to write and three final exams. I'm so glad to be wrapping this all up! Graduation is May 6th :) I'm sure you can feel my excitement through the computer screen. 

I went to the mall today after work to try and look for an Easter dress. Our mall has a tiny selection of maternity dresses so needless to say I will be wearing the same Easter dress I wore last year because I really just don't feel like driving thirty plus minutes to search for one. I hate trying on clothes. Hate it. Anyways, today was one of those days that things just kind of hit me before I knew it. I was looking through Belk's for my dress and walked right by the baby section. Then it hit me. I should be buying not only myself a dress, but a dress for a perfect little ten month old. I was so excited when I was pregnant with Paisly about her first Easter. I even had a big purple basket that I found the other day when I was looking through the nursery closet. My parents always had gifts for us for Easter and made sure we knew the real reason for the holiday. I was looking forward to passing that on to Paisly. I know next year I will be able to share with Montgomery, and that was another thought I had. I always said that if I had two little girls close to the same age that I refused to dress them alike. Wrong. While I was thinking about the dress for Paisly, I thought that I would be dressing her and Montgomery alike next year. Matching bows and shoes and all. Even those horrible frilly white socks.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and remember that it isn't about Easter egg hunts or the bunny. It is about our Lord and Saviour who died for us then rose again. It is because of this that we can have eternal life. I am so thankful.

Showers of Blessings

I must say, I am one blessed woman.  I have been asked how I can say I am blessed after everything that happened with Paisly. How could I say that through Paisly God hasn't blessed my life? Carrying her for eight months was the best thing that ever happened to me. She changed my life beyond measure and although she is not here with me I am so glad that I had her, and I would not change one thing. You might ask if I would change the fact that she isn't here and I would have to say no. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have her here with me and listen to her laughs and first words, I would give anything for that; BUT God does everything for a reason. This happened for a reason and his reasons are better than my what ifs so I will leave it at that.

I had started this post to tell how people around me are such blessings but for some reason all of that came out :) Now on to my other blessings... Through this blog I have received emails after emails of people who want to talk or who have had the same things happen to them or something similar and it is so nice to be able to talk to them and share experiences. I also have women who are just blessing me all around and I wanted to return the favor by putting their name out there. One is the owner of Little Teapot Designs, I encourage you to look her up on facebook and look around, she specializes in graphic designs. If you are looking for birth announcements, birthday invitations etc... look her up!  She is being so kind as to give me a birth announcement for Paisly since I never got one, and let me tell you that means so much to me. Little things such as that just warm my heart! Another is HC Photography who is doing my maternity session for us and Montgomery, she takes wonderful photos! Look her up on facebook as well!!! Anyways, I just wanted to share about these to amazing women who are such blessings if you want to know more about them look them up or let me know and I'll get you in contact with them!

There shall be showers of blessing

This is the promise of love

There shall be seasons refreshing

Sent from the Savior above.

Moments

Today, I am really missing my little Paisly...I'm about to start getting ready for church and I can't help but think about how this morning would go if Paisly were here. I wonder what cute dress and bow would I be dressing her in, and if she would be babbling to me while I got her ready. I just really, really miss her today.

While we were at the beach, we did a lot of writing in the sand...we always do, I don't know why but I love to write in the sand! We wrote Paisly's name and we wrote Montgomery's name and our whole family's names...we wrote a lot.  We wrote Paisly's name and a little message to her in the sand, and just as soon as I finished writing it, the water came up higher than it had been and washed it away. It was one of those moments where God gives you peace. I just knew with my heart of hearts that Paisly got that message. It's one of those unexplainable moments that you could never explain if you had to, but you just know.

Thankfully Andrew was taking pictures like crazy, and you can see the water coming up to wash it away. I'm glad and thankful that my God gives me moments like those, it is those peaceful moments that get me through the day. 

Waves and Kicks

As I sit here listening to waves crash on the sand and see the endless ocean, I am reminded of God and how great He is. This is beautiful and only He could create something so serene. Also as I sit here, I feel little Butter Bean kick. This too reminds me of how blessed I am. My God is so good.

So I know you all want to know about the Dr's appointment Wednesday... Everything measured right on track. We talked to the Sonographer a little before hand about Paisly, so she measured the ventricles first, and we are so glad to say they are measuring great. She then went to see the sex of little Butter Bean...and that was difficult, Butter Bean did not want to show anything!!! We had to keep going back to it because Butter Bean would not open up to let us see...we thought we were going to have to wait to find out! Then finally there was a quick glimpse and we found that Butter Bean is a......GIRL!!!
Andrew gets to name her since I named Paisly Grace. He's named our little Butter Bean...
Montgomery Ashlyn.
I am so amazed at how God is already using little Montgomery to share her sister's story and the glory of God.  So many people ask about me being pregnant, then they ask if this is our first child, then the door is opened to tell Paisly's story and then to tell how God has blessed us once again with Montgomery. All I can say is God is good and I am so blessed.

Dear Cuppie Cake

My Little Cuppie Cake,

Sweet angel, I cannot tell you how much I miss you.  I still imagine every day what you would be like if you were here on this earth. I still go into the nursery and look at shoes and outfits and bows and imagine what I would be dressing you in for the day. I think about what types of food I would be feeding you, and if you would be a picky eater like your daddy. I wonder if by now you would be rolling and crawling all over the floors of this house and how many loads of laundry I would be doing because you are teething and drooling all over everything. I could sit and think all day about who you would be, what your personality would be like, who you looked like more. I try not to though. I try to think about how much joy you are experiencing because you are with our Lord and Saviour. I do think about what you are doing up there, who you are visiting with at the moment and who all you have seen since you've been there. If Mamaw Betty has told you about me as a baby, or if your daddy's Pawpaw tells you about how crazy your daddy can be.  As much as I am hurt that you are not here with me, I am comforted that you are with Jesus and safe in His arms.

We are going to find out next week whether you have a little brother or little sister to watch over. If it is a little brother...you are going to have your hands full because I'm sure he will be just like your daddy. Your daddy misses you so much. Any time he sees a pink rifle, or princess fishing rod, or cute little pink cowgirl boots he says "Paisly would have that".  We talk about you all the time, dreaming about what fun things you are doing, what great stories Jesus is telling you at the moment. I cannot wait sweet girl to see you again. I honestly can't explain how much you have changed my life. I am so thankful that God blessed me with you. Although you were not here with us for long, you changed us so much. I wouldn't trade you for anything. I feel your little brother or sister kicking, and it reminds me of when you were here, and then I am reminded of God's grace. He is so good to us, but I'm sure you know that because you see what he has done for us all. 

I want you to know how much you have changed not only my life, but so many lives around me. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with such a sweet, sweet daughter who has touched so many lives.

I love you, and I miss you beyond what words can describe. You are my cuppie cake, my sweet Paisly and I love you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Love you always,
Mommy

Two Weeks!

Two weeks!!! In two weeks we find out what we are having! Is Paisly getting a little brother or sister???
As much as I wish she were here, I at least know that she will be looking down and watching over her little brother or sister! I'll admit that with this baby I've tried not to get too excited. I am making plans to not make plans until we bring this child home with us. I find that contradictory though...I am sitting here writing this blog and professing my faith in Jesus Christ yet I'm not trusting that everything will be ok this time. I'm working on that.  I've noticed too that I'm not doing as much such as taking my weekly pictures like I did with Paisly and I don't want that. I want to give this child just as much attention as I did her while I was pregnant. It's hard because I want to be excited about this baby and I am but I'm holding back because of what happened with Paisly. The wound is still very fresh and I can't help but remember how we felt when we came home to an empty nursery, completely ready for her. I can't go through that again.  Just keep praying for the both of us on that subject.

We also need your prayers for a few other things as well.  Andrew is having his gallbladder out next week. It is a minor surgery but it still is a surgery.  We are also praying about some big decisions that need to be made soon and we can't do it without prayer first.

Butter Bean

I figured I should update on Butter Bean's status...I went to the Dr today and the heart rate was 143. That's where it's been staying for a while now, in the 140's. Andrew is thinking, based on the heart rate, that this is a boy. I don't know quite yet, with Paisly I knew when I was about 8 weeks for sure without a doubt that she was a girl. This little buttabean is confusing me!

On another note let me just say...


My belly is huge.


Seriously, huge. I feel like I'm in my last trimester. The doctor and others have told me that with your second child you will show quicker, but this is just ridiculous. One of my professors asked me if I was going to have the baby before his midterm exam...which is in three weeks. Ha. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I will say that I am having to trust my Lord every day with this child. I am nervous, and now that I'm starting to feel the baby it's gotten a little worse. If you've ever been pregnant you know that when you first start feeling the baby move it's not constant. I will maybe feel butter bean once or twice a day then wont feel him/her for a few days. It's nerve racking. I pray constantly and the good Lord continues to give me peace and for that I am so grateful.

I went today and gave Paisly her Valentine's Day flowers. I hate to say that I took them to her grave. I hate saying that word. Grave. To me that is a final resting place, and I know without a doubt that is NOT her final resting place. She is resting in the arms of Jesus as I type these words, which makes me so happy.  I like her flowers, they are roses, they're pink but not solid pink, they are light pink on the outside then get darker toward the inside, very pretty.  It's pretty hard to find flower arrangements to fit in her itty bitty vase. I love to take her flowers. I read in one of my books that when a mother has lost her child, taking flowers and decorations to them is the only way they feel they are still taking care of them. I find this to be so true. When I don't take her flowers right at the turn of the season or a holiday I feel horrible. It makes me anxious and it's all I can think about. I know that in march I'm going to get her gerber daisies.
When Andrew and I bring Butter Bean home we have planned on taking him/her to see his/her older sister first. The take home outfit will say 'big brother/sister'. I want to somehow make an arrangement for Paisly that has flowers but says BIG SISTER somehow. I don't know exactly how but I'll figure it out :)

On a side note...I just want to say that I apologize for typos/misspelled words. I am usually what they call a spiral writer which means I write a little then read, then write a little and re-read over and over until I'm finished. With writing this blog I'm not doing that because I would never publish anything for always wanting to tweek it; therefore there will be typos/misspelled words, bad grammar and such and I apologize but....it happens.
God Bless and have a great weekend!

Hallelujah

When I clean I like to blast the music up loud...gets me motivated. Tonight I started to clean up and had the TV on "The Message" music channel. I think it's the XM radio or something. Anyways the song Hallelujah by Heather Williams came on, I've heard this song many times before but for some reason I had to sit down and sing with her. After the song went off I went back to cleaning and the song stayed in my head even though other songs kept playing on the TV. After a bit I came into the office and googled the song because I wanted to hear it again. After listening a bazillion times on youtube I clicked a side link to hear "Heather's Story" behind the song. She wrote this song because she lost a child. She lost her infant son to a heart condition. I love how God puts things like this in front of me.

It amazes me how God uses women who have been through such pain to make such a joyful noise. I've started this blog, but I want to do more. I want to reach out to other mother's who have lost a child and been through such grief and sorrow. I look at Heather who wrote this song and Angie who wrote I Will Carry You ; they have done so much to serve the Lord and at the same time have helped mothers like me who suffer such grief. I know that if I hadn't read Angie's book, I don't think I would have the same outlook that I do today. I would love to help someone else in the same way. I want to serve my Lord and do whatever it is that He wants me to do. Would you mind praying for me that I hear whatever it is that the Lord wants for me?

Here's the song that's made my cry like a baby tonight :)


Jesus, please come
please come today
hear me
heal me
be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
but in spite of it all
your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Jesus, please come
please come today
break me
mold me
use me I pray

but don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
wipe the dirt off my face
hold me in your embrace
your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen

On my knees here I fall
in spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah


The last part... "And though it seems hard I'm still trusting you Lord" that sums me up, I still don't fully understand why Paisly was here such a short time but I trust Him. I know that He knows and it will be revealed to me someday. God has already blessed me so much with a husband, with Paisly Grace, and now with the baby on the way. I want to do for Him - "Break me, mold me, use me I pray" that's what I want.


Heather Williams - Hallelujah (2010 Video & Lyrics)

Sweet Sweet Peace

John 22:21 says Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee.

I've had so many to congratulate me about my pregnancy and let me know that they are praying for this pregnancy. I appreciate them all so much. I'm not going to lie. I am nervous about everything because you don't know how everything is going to turn out. When I was pregnant with Paisly I thought that after 12 weeks I was in the clear, because after 12 weeks your chance for miscarriage dramatically decreases. I know personally that anything can happen the whole time or even after you bring that precious bundle of joy home. Although I am nervous, I have peace. With Paisly I was always worried about what the doctors were saying and wondering what else could go wrong. I pray and pray and pray for this child constantly, and I know so many of you are as well. God has given me so much peace. Before I got pregnant I just knew that I was going to be a complete basket case, that I would worry over every single thing. I am so glad that is not the case. I feel so calm about it all. Through all of my grief with Paisly I have learned to lean on God more and that he has an ultimate plan. I am completely ok with the plan that God has for us and this child. This is why I love my God so much...he whispers sweet peace to me.


On a side note...I had a dream last night about the baby!!! With Paisly, I dreamed about her rarely and never saw her face. In my dream (I won't tell you all of it because it's just crazy) I was on the beach with our son! He was about 2 years old and I can vividly remember his face. He looked just like Andrew...of course, I mean why not, Paisly looked like him and I'm sure all the rest of our kiddos will too. He was just soooo cute, and very well behaved...I hope both of those are true :)

Good Conversations

Next week my life will be over. Until June 24th. School starts tuesday, I'm taking 5 classes this semester. I have class tuesdays and thursdays from 9:30-4:45. I did this last year. Same exact thing, I had 5 classes back to back and I was pregnant. It was awful, so I know this semester will be too. I've looked at my syllabi for some of the classes and I'm already dreading it. BUT I'm going to just have to buck up and do it. It will be well worth it when I'm done.

On another note...my hormones are going craaaazy! I'm all happy go lucky one minute and the next I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm looking around me at the moment at my living room...which is still decorated for Christmas, and it is a horrible mess. I have NO energy to do anything! By time I get home from work, I'm lucky if I land on the couch! I can't wait until my 2nd trimester so I can muster up some energy.

I wanted to share something on here...If you watched the news right before Christmas you may have saw the man in High Point who was shot protecting his family from robbers. That man was a co-worker's nephew (I hope you don't mind me sharing this story). It was a horrible thing to happen and I can't imagine the family's pain right now. While at work, my coworker shared with me that at her nephew's funeral 30 people got saved.


That is amazing.


I can't stop thinking about it. About how that young man and his story brought so many people to the Lord. It amazes me how our God can bring such wonderous happenings out of such a horrible tragedy. I do wonder if God shares with those in heaven how things are working out on earth after they have gone. I hope so because that young man would be so proud to know how his life affected others. Makes me wonder about what he says to Paisly. I imagine that they have some great conversations. I love to sit and talk with God here. I can't imagine how great it would be to talk with him in heaven.