postpartum checkup and surgery

Monday I went to the Dr for my postpartum check up. She informed me that all the testing that they did on Paisly came back normal. The whole time I was pregnant with her they thought she had a chromosomal abnormality which caused the ventriculomegaly and the excess amniotic fluid. The Dr informed me that every test came back normal. Aside from those two things, my baby was perfect. I would have never ever wanted anything to be wrong with her, but I'll admit that I thought having a reason would help me cope with her loss. I am so glad that my baby was healthy, they had said that if she did have some type of chromosome abnormality that we would have to to go genetic counseling for our future children. Everything else went well and I should be returning back to work next Wednesday.

I did however have my gallbladder taken out on wednesday. It went well other than they found a blockage and on thursday they went back in and had to cut my gallbladder duct to make it larger to get all the "sludge" out. That just sounds disgusting to me! That's all I'm going to write for now... I still feel a little drugged up with all the pain killers. More to come later :)

A letter to my sweet Paisly Grace

Dear Paisly,

First I want to tell you what an impact you have already made on so many people and this brings me so much joy, so much that people wouldn't understand. I know in my heart of hearts that you are with our Lord and Savior and that gives me peace. I know you are safer and happier than you could ever be in this old world. Your daddy said that he is glad to know he doesn't have to worry about you, he knows your pawpaw is up there playing with you and telling you all kinds of jokes. He says just play and have fun. I want you to know that your daddy is wonderful to me, and I know that he would have been such a great daddy to you...he already is a great daddy to you. When you were in my belly we read books to you at night. Your daddy was so hilarious, instead of reading the books word for word he would make up his own parts of the story to fit in. You kicked and kicked listening to his crazy stories. He was so protective of you. He wouldn't let me clean anything...I wasn't even allowed to dust!!! He wanted so many things for you...he even had a cute pink rifle picked out that he was going to take you hunting with :)

I want you to know you were so loved, I'm sure Jesus has told you how much your family here cares for you, they were all so hurt to know that you wouldn't be staying with us fulfilling all the dreams we had for you. Both your Nana and Mamaw had something for you almost every time I saw them, Paci's and bears and clothes galore!!! Your aunts and uncles were thrilled about you coming. Your Pa and Papaw had plans to tell you Navy stories and try to coax you into being a Carolina fan...that wasn't going to happen if I had anything to do with it :)

We had everything ready for your arrival. I have tons and tons of bows and shoes I planned to match with the cutest of outfits! Although we had all of your worldly things ready, we could have never ever been as prepared for you as our Lord was. He knew you were coming sweet baby. He knew the exact time that you would enter into his kingdom and he was ready for you. As much as he is caring for you, he is doing the same for me. He has placed so many people here that are showering your mommy and daddy with prayers. We need them because we are devastated that you are not here with us. I often sing to you, hoping that Jesus lets you hear me. I sing "the cupie cake song", I sang it to you when you were in my belly and I had planned to sing it to you every night when I put you to sleep. I looked forward to putting bandaids on your little knees followed by big kisses; but I know you will never need any type of bandaid in heaven and I am so glad!

I love you my sweet angel and I miss you terribly. I cannot wait to see you again someday soon.

2Samuel 12:23 says: But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
I know that I will never see you again on this side but I have so much comfort in knowing that I will see you on the other side of Glory.

I love you my little cuppie cake

Love, Mommy

A day of sorrow and joy intertwined

On Saturday June 20th, I went to work like any other day. She wasnt' moving quite as much as usual. Usually on the way to work she is so active...it's like she was screaming the same thing I was thinking "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK". We went anyway, and that day I talked our wonderful nurses into giving me half a day :) I was so excited that night Andrew was going to take me to IHOP for chocolate chip pancakes because the 19th was my birthday, and I had been craving chocolate chip pancakes for quite a while now. We ate then went to mom's for a few minutes just to visit. By this point Paisly was barely moving at all, her movements were few and far between. I honestly was a little worried, but since the Dr said I would go into labor early due to the extra fluid I thought she was getting ready for birth; I'd been having contractions for a couple of weeks and they were getting more common. We went to bed that night, and I told Andrew that if she didn't liven up by morning I would call the on-call nurse. Morning came and she hadn't moved at all as far as kicks and punches, but certain areas of my belly would harden then soften so I thought that was her moving. We went on to church and while I was singing in the choir I had three contractions in a row and she still hadnt kicked. She would move like crazy during all the singing usually. After church was out I called the nurse and told her everything that was going on. She said to go straight to the hospital.

I remember asking Andrew if we needed to go ahead and put the car seat in the car just in case, but he said no that if she came that day he would get someone to come get it before we brought her home. I was so ready for her to come home. Aside from us hanging her name over her crib we were completely ready. I had washed all the bazillion clothes she as in the smell-good dreft. I washed all her Dr. Browns bottles and all her pacifiers. I organized her closet and had all her blankets folded neatly. I was so ready to meet my little girl. I was so obsessed with knowing if she had mine or Andrew's nose, and if her little toes would be long like Andrew's or short and stubby like mine.

We got to the hospital and while we were signing in the secretary was picking on Andrew saying that his little girl would have him wrapped around her little finger the first time she looked at him. After only seconds of waiting the nurse called us back. She put the doppler on my belly but couldn't seem to get the heartbeat, she then took us to another room and hooked me up to the monitor, she couldn't find a hearbeat then either. I couldn't help but cry, I thought what is wrong with this woman, why can't she find Paisly's heartbeat. She called another nurse in who couldn't find it either. They decided to do an u/s to make absolute sure. She put the wand on my belly and there Paisly was...as still as I'd ever seen her. Then she put the wand over her heart which was usually pounding...but it was still. She was gone. My little girl was gone. I didn't want to believe it I thought they made a mistake and that I could come back later and it would be ok.

After making a few calls to family members the Dr came it to tell us what we were going to do. She said they would induce labor. I refused. My friend and I talked about "pushing presents", she said she wanted earrings for hers, and I said that Paisly was my pushing present because nothing in this world would be a better gift to me than she was. I wanted a C-section, I refused to be in pain with no gain at the end. The dr told me I couldn't have a c-section because then all my later pregnancies would most likely be through c-section and that it gave a possibility of infection. I gave in and they took me to a labor and delivery room upstairs.

I had visitors coming and going and family who stayed with us. Andrew was by my side the entire time...other than when he went to eat. For those of you that know Andrew knows that he has got to be eating constantly. I actually had a pretty easy labor I would say. I was in labor a total of 15 hours, they were painless and for that I thank God. Morning came and I felt the need to push. I pushed only three times and Paisly Grace was born. She came at 7:26 in the morning. She weighed 4lbs 9oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I said of course.

My precious baby was honest to goodness the most beautiful thing I had ever set my eyes on. She had rose colored lips and pinch-worthy cheeks. The first things I looked at were her nose...she has her uncle Adam's nose, it fits her perfectly. Then I looked at her toes, she had Andrew's toes; long long toes. She did though, on her left foot have just a tad of webbing :) My toes are webbed and I prayed that she wouldn't have that; but I am so glad she did she was a piece of me. I held her and showed her around, she was my pride and joy... IS my pride and joy. It was so surreal, it was a sad day because she was born sleeping yet it was a happy day because I got to meet my sweet Paisly Grace face to face.

Tears flowed and she was passed around as if she were alive. Everyone wanted to hold her and see who she looked like...by the way she looked exactly like Andrew. That day was the best and worst day of my life. It was horrible because I never got to hear my baby cry, or see what color her pretty eyes were. I didn't get to feel her fingertips grasping for mine or see her cute feet kicking relentlessly. I did however get to hold my angel in my arms. I told her how beautiful she was, I rocked her and told her how much I loved her.

My God is an awesome God. During that time I didn't know what to think. I didn't understand how God could take my child from my arms. Last night after I wrote the earlier posts I came across this scripture and it speaks volumes to me.

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2Corinthians 4:18

I try not to focus on the fact that my daugher is not screaming and crying in her crib, but that she is laughing and playing with Jesus in the most beautiful and safe place she could ever be; heaven. God's plan for Paisly was short here on earth but is everlasting in his arms. Sometimes we aren't shown what God's plans or reasons are but that is where faith steps in. We must have faith that our Lord knows what is best for us and believe in his master plan.

wow that could have been a novel...

some medical business

I was thrilled to see two pink lines. I honestly thought that I could buy stock in pregnancy tests for a while there. I called the Dr and was kind of dissapointed to know that I wouldn't be going in until I was 8 weeks...I wanted to go in right then; I wanted little profile ultrasound pictures right then. A week after I called, I started having some pain on my right side so I called again and they told me to come in that day. I went and they did an ultrasound. After the ultrasound they took me into a Dr's office...not my doctor a different one. He hurridly (it was lunch time) told us that the baby wasn't looking to be in my uterus, it looked like she had barely made it out of my fallopian tube. They called it an interstitial pregnancy.
That Dr then proceded to say that if the "embryo" didn't move that it would rupture my uterus and I would bleed to death before I could make it to any hospital. He said if she didn't move that I should take a pill "to make the embryo dissolve"...
A PILL??? TO MAKE MY BABY DISSOLVE???

absolutely NOT!

I said no and that I would like to wait to see if the baby moved and he agreed. So I waited a few days then went back to have another u/s, she still hadnt moved and they kept pushing the idea to take "the pill" and I kept refusing asking for more time. We had about 7 u/s's within 2 weeks. Finally the 5th Dr we spoke with ordered an MRI to make absolute sure because the latest u/s showed a heartbeat and he didn't believe in ending a life without knowing that every other possible option wouldn't work. To this day I believe God himself had a series of events that led us to see that Doctor. I went for an MRI, and we found that she was in my uterus :) I was so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth.

I didn't go back until I was 19 weeks. I was focused on finding out the sex of the baby. Andrew and I had an agreement that if it was a girl that I got to decorate the nursery and if it was a boy he could decorate. I hated all the decor andrew was looking at so I was bound and determined that my little "tater tot" was going to be a girl.We already had names picked out, we've had them picked out since we got married. Paisly Grace for a girl and Cohen Abel for a boy. I was right, it was a girl :) After they looked at the sex of the baby they checked all the other growth factors. You know when you just have a feeling that they are looking at something too closely? I had that feeling and I was right. After the u/s they took us into the Dr's office once again. She told us that Paisly had ventriculomegaly. The ventricles in her brain were a tad bit bigger than they usually saw and were worried about it. She referred us to a neonatal neurologist. They found the same thing but there were no other factors leading to any type of diagnosis. They said they would just continue to monitor her for the rest of my pregnancy. We prayed and prayed and prayed. God gave me peace my whole pregnancy. I felt like Paisly was completely normal and that nothing would be wrong with her. Although I felt that way, Andrew and I were completely prepared for her to have special needs, which is what the Dr's said might have been a possibility. We knew God would help us if that was the case, but I knew it was not.

Things were consistant with her ventricles, they stayed enlarged. When I was about 30weeks I went to have an u/s; they said that I had excess amniotic fluid, but didn't know the cause of it and said it could be related to the ventriculomegaly.I had another u/s when I was 32 weeks and her ventricles had enlarged even more and they didn't know why so they scheduled another MRI at WFU. The results of that MRI were all normal. Everything was normal with her anatomy other than the ventricles in her brain. Usually they said with this there would be other factors that would lead them to a diagnosis but Paisly had none. She was perfect. I had been doing non stress tests twice a week for a few weeks at this point, and they said that we would just continue this until I went into labor. They were always normal, she kicked that little monitor constantly...she didn't like it at all! Everyone always commented on how active she was, and I loved it. The thursday before everything happened was my last NST and u/s. I sat in the little room with the monitors hooked up to me listening to the beautiful sound of Paisly's heartbeat and the often sound of her kicking the monitor...it was so bad that I had to constantly hold the monitor and adjust it so often that I did it for the nurses because they got tired of coming in there every 2 seconds! If I could go back I would have recorded that beautiful sound. That day they did an extra u/s and the dr said that I had even more fluid but it was ok for now...insinuating that next week may be a different story. She told me that because of all the fluid that I would go into labor early. I knew I didn't want her to come too early because I wanted her to be healthy but I was so excited to meet her and hold her I wanted her to come right now! I was completely impatient my whole entire pregnancy...Had I known what was going to happen I would have savored every single moment of it...

Our Story

My best friend introduced Andrew and I when we were seniors in high school....that was almost 7 years ago...wow. Seems like it was just yesturday that he walked into the gym during a basketball game; wearing some wranglers, boots and a cowboy hat :) It's so weird looking back, he was supposed to be my blind date to my junior prom and I said no because I didn't want my prom date to be a blind date (he's even in the background of many of my prom pictures, he went with someone else). Then I started working at Henry James only a week after he had quit...so odd how many times we could have gotten to know each other before we actually did. That night at the basketball game I remember thinking how I usually wasn't attracted to the country boy type..but Andrew was right up my ally ha!

Fastforward a few years...to September 2, 2006. Now that was one of the best days of my life. We had the most spiritual ceremony I had ever attended, and I'm glad to say that it was my own. God was definitely present while we said "I do". From that moment Andrew wanted a family. I've always wanted a family from the time I was 5 I've had at least three or four names picked out at a time...ya know just in case God blessed me with quads :)

After we had been married about two years we decided that maybe we needed to try fertility drugs as we were not getting pregnant on our own. We were on cycles of drugs and had procedures done to help us get pregnant. After a year of this we decided it was God's way of telling us it just wasn't our time so we thought we would take a break. I was actually at peace with not being pregnant just yet because I still needed to finish school...(I STILL am trying to finish school but thats a whole new blog in itself!!!) On Thanksgiving morning I just thought that maybe I should take a test. I had to work that day so I was going to wait until my lunch hour to take one. I took it and it was POSITIVE! I was a whole bag full of emotions, I didn't know what to do with myself! I was so excited to tell Andrew but he had to work 2nd shift that night (I tried my hardest to convince him to leave early but it didn't work) when he got home I gave him a gift bag with the positive test in it. I have never seen that man so happy. At midnight we had to travel across town to tell his parents because I refused to tell them over the phone, that has been another wonderful day of my life...and so this is where our sweet Paisly's story begins...

New beginnings and trusting Him

I got the idea to write a blog after reading the book "I will carry you" written by Angie Smith. I'm hoping this blog will accomplish a few things; informing those who are curious about our story and our sweet Paisly Grace, help me cope with what is happening, and share the gospel of Jesus Christ. I've read her blog and many others who have experienced what I have and if my blog can speak to just one person like they have spoke to me I will be satisfied. I'm sitting here...at 1am wondering if I'm crazy for starting this and if I'll actually keep up with it like I need to.
I hope I do, I want to. I'll be starting back to work next week, then in August I'll be starting school full time as well soooo...we'll see how it goes. Prayers would be much appreciated! This whole blogging thing can be a little confusing...I've been trying to figure out how to make this thing cute for almost an hour now!!! I'd like to put a cute paisley print back ground up... I'm glad I named her Paisly...the print has become so popular that I see it constantly and at first I didn't know if I'd like that, being constantly reminded that she is gone, but it's just the opposite. I love being reminded that she exists, she may not be here physically but I know that my daughter's sweet spirit will be with me until the day I meet her again in heaven.

I hope this blog speaks to you...or anyone. I want to tell everyone that God has a master plan, we may not know it and most likely this blog will remind me as well that we have to trust and have faith that he knows what he is doing even if it feels like no good can come of it...we have to trust...