School so far hasn't been too bad...I only took 4 classes because I thought I would have Paisly to care for. I wanted to add a 5th during drop/add but they were all full! Maybe that was God's way of telling me that this was enough for this semester. One of the classes may be enough work for 3!!! Seeing how hard it is just going to school and working all the time, I can't imagine what I would have done if Paisly were here...I mean obviously I would have made it work somehow. I'm going to see Angie Smith speak in October and I CAN'T WAIT!!! I'm so excited about it...I feel like I'm going to meet a celebrity! Just by reading her blogs I am so moved and touched by her words so I'm sure hearing her speak in person will just be all kinds of wonderful!!! :)
Speaking of Angie, I was reading her blog the other day...of course:) and she told a story that I have never heard of. It's in the book of Joshua, in the 2nd chapter. Its the story of Rahab, She was a prostitute. OK, so the story goes as follows: Moses never got to enter the promised land and his successor Joshua was planning on invading Canaan, specifically the city of Jericho. He sent two spies into the city. While they were in the city they had to hide in the home of Rahab the prostitute. The King of Jericho found out there were two spies in his city and sent out representatives to look for them. They came to Rahab's house and instead of turning them in, she risked her life and lied saying that they were there, but left and were already on their way out of the city. She hid the two men on her roof while the guards swept the streets looking for them. The story goes on to say that she realizes what God has done for them and that she believes in God more than she fears for herself. She tells the spies that she will keep them safe as long as they promise her that when they invade the city they will not harm her or her family. They agree and tell her that she must hang a scarlet cord from her window to let those who are invading the city know they are to be spared.
Angie goes on to tell the lineage of Rahab...This is the kicker to me. So listen up :)
Rahab is the mother of Boaz.
Boaz is the father of Obed.
Obed is the father of Jessie
Jessie is the father of David.
skip a couple of generations and...
... Jacob the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.
Wow...
This just amazes me. God chose a prostitute to be in the family tree of His son Jesus Christ. He chose her for His story. This makes me think that for some reason, reasons unknown...
He chose me
He chose me to be part of his story, He chose my little Paisly to be part of His story. I love Him dearly for that, I LOVE that my little girl, my precious sweet little Paisly Grace is part of such a large story. I don't know what the ending will look like, but I know that God knows and so far God's story has been pretty amazing. As we all know that every great book has a wonderful ending. Although I know my story will never end because I'll live for eternity in heaven, I know that my story here on earth will someday come to a conclusion and only God himself knows what that will entail. Say a prayer for us tonight and I will for you as well, as we try to live out the story God has put together for us.
Love
Ryan
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
To my Cuppie Cake
Dear Cuppie Cake,
I wanted to write you another letter...I like doing it, I believe I'll write to you every once in a while. Mommy started school this week. It made me think of how I wanted to take you to your first day of school. I already planned on how I was going to fix your hair and what your outfit would look like :) I was so worried while you were in my belly about how I was going to manage classes, work and taking care of you. I thought about taking you to class with me, it made me cry just to think of me leaving you to go to school and to work. Then I thought about how much of a germaphobe I am and how college campuses are filthy dirty! I'm sorry sweety but mommy would have had you living in a bubble!!!
I miss you so much, I talk to you all the time and I hope that God lets you hear me. I know though that you are in heaven so immersed in God and His Glory. I hope that God tells you how much you were loved here. I'm sure that the flies on the wall think I'm just a crazy woman telling you all about my day or my classes or about how much I love your daddy. I go in your room, and although you never got to use any of the things we had ready for you, it still reminds me of you. I look through your clothes and think of what you would be wearing at the moment, wishing I would have gotten to see you wiggle around in it.
Your daddy misses you like crazy as well. He wanted so bad to take you places and do things with you. He wanted you as soon as we were married, he was wanting you to be a honeymoon baby, I think he's wanted to be a daddy as long as he can remember! I do believe you would have been a daddy's girl. Your daddy has this way of "wooing". It's impossible not to love him. I wanted to see you run to his arms after he got home from work, and I couldn't wait for him to teach you how to fish...he said that he was going to teach you to bait your own hook...mommy is a wuss and daddy always has to do it for me!
I was thinking the other day about how I wanted to tell you all the bible stories just like my mom did with me. Then I thought, God has to be a better story teller than me, He was there! I can just see him telling you about Noah and the Ark, he probably puts in some pretty good sound effects, or even lets you see the giraffes and elephants first hand. Yep, I'm 100% sure his version of the story is better than mine :)
I miss you cuppie cake, and I love you beyond what words can say.
Love always,
Mommy
I wanted to write you another letter...I like doing it, I believe I'll write to you every once in a while. Mommy started school this week. It made me think of how I wanted to take you to your first day of school. I already planned on how I was going to fix your hair and what your outfit would look like :) I was so worried while you were in my belly about how I was going to manage classes, work and taking care of you. I thought about taking you to class with me, it made me cry just to think of me leaving you to go to school and to work. Then I thought about how much of a germaphobe I am and how college campuses are filthy dirty! I'm sorry sweety but mommy would have had you living in a bubble!!!
I miss you so much, I talk to you all the time and I hope that God lets you hear me. I know though that you are in heaven so immersed in God and His Glory. I hope that God tells you how much you were loved here. I'm sure that the flies on the wall think I'm just a crazy woman telling you all about my day or my classes or about how much I love your daddy. I go in your room, and although you never got to use any of the things we had ready for you, it still reminds me of you. I look through your clothes and think of what you would be wearing at the moment, wishing I would have gotten to see you wiggle around in it.
Your daddy misses you like crazy as well. He wanted so bad to take you places and do things with you. He wanted you as soon as we were married, he was wanting you to be a honeymoon baby, I think he's wanted to be a daddy as long as he can remember! I do believe you would have been a daddy's girl. Your daddy has this way of "wooing". It's impossible not to love him. I wanted to see you run to his arms after he got home from work, and I couldn't wait for him to teach you how to fish...he said that he was going to teach you to bait your own hook...mommy is a wuss and daddy always has to do it for me!
I was thinking the other day about how I wanted to tell you all the bible stories just like my mom did with me. Then I thought, God has to be a better story teller than me, He was there! I can just see him telling you about Noah and the Ark, he probably puts in some pretty good sound effects, or even lets you see the giraffes and elephants first hand. Yep, I'm 100% sure his version of the story is better than mine :)
I miss you cuppie cake, and I love you beyond what words can say.
Love always,
Mommy
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My God
**Let me first say...I am by no means a preacher, pastor or anything of the type, I am only a woman who is trying to be obedient to his call**
I'm going to be honest... I don't like sharing things that are very personal to me over the internet. It makes you feel vulnerable, like everyone knows everything about you, even when they don't know you. God has been laying on my heart for a while now to share this post and to be honest I've been putting it off. I feel like God wants me to share this story, I don't know why or what the purpose of it is but I trust my Lord and I know he is going to use it for someone or something.
On June 13th, exactly one week before we found that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat, Andrew's pawpaw Bobby passed away. His body had been eaten with cancer. Let me take you back two weeks earlier, actually let me tell you about Bobby before. Now I've only been married to Andrew for 4 years in september but Andrew and his family have told me stories. Bobby wouldn't set foot in a church, he didn't want preachers visiting him at home trying to witness to him. It was just an unspoken rule that you didn't even try talking to Bobby about the Lord because you would get nowhere. Bobby was put in the hospital and was told that he had kidney and lung cancer and had a bleeding brain tumor. Two weeks before Bobby passed, Andrew's great aunt Marie and her family(who live in New Bern) came to visit Bobby while he was in the hospital. After he was discharged to go home Marie and EJ started to leave to go home to New Bern. After they left Marie felt like they needed to go to Bobby and Becky's home because she wanted to talk to Bobby one more time about Jesus and His love for us. That day Bobby took Jesus into his heart. When Lori, Andrew's mom called me to tell me the news, I had just gotten out of class and was on my way to my car. After I got off the phone with her I just sat in my car and cried. You could feel the difference in him just by stepping into their home. He was a different person. I thank God for telling Marie and EJ to turn around that day, and I thank Marie for being obedient to his call. That's what this post is about, being obedient to God's calling.
Andrew and I both have accepted Jesus to be our Lord and Saviour. I was only 6 years old and had just gotten home from church one wednesday night when I asked my parents about being saved and God living in my heart. That night they led me to the Lord, and I completely understood what I was doing and who my God was. Andrew was 13 when he accepted Jesus at a Wild's camp one summer. Although we both had accepted Jesus, we were nowhere near the Christians that we needed to be. After we saw the work God did in Bobby's life it started to change both Andrew and I. We saw that if God could change a stubborn old man in one afternoon that we could change as well. We started praying together more, and starting to form a closer relationship with God.Although it had only been one week I could already tell a difference in myself, in Andrew and in our relationship together with God. Then Paisly went to be with the Lord.
This is the part I dread to tell. I was so angry with God. I'm the type of person that needs answers for any and everything. It was so easy to tell myself that what had happened to Bobby was so that he could accept Jesus as his saviour and to make Andrew and I realize that we weren't where we needed to be in our spiritual walk with God. It wasn't so easy however to say this with Paisly. I was so angry with God. I was changing, I was starting to form a closer relationship with him...so what was the point of all this??? Andrew however was different, he said that so soon after Paisly passed that he had complete peace. All he kept saying was "It's in God's hands, he's in control of it all". I just wanted to scream. I felt like I had been the one closer to God and here he was having peace about it all and I was slipping farther away. It's been such a confusing time. I am so ashamed to say that it took me a long time to even bow my head in prayer. I didn't want to talk to God, he took my child from me. What I realize now...she was never MY child. She has always been God's child, just as I am His child. I would see Andrew praying and I just walked away, I was just so angry. We had a loving pastor come to our home to do grief counseling with us. He taught us so many things. He told me that no problem is too big for our God. He gave the analogy of having a large rock on your foot. You wouldn't leave that rock on your foot because it hurts. He said that we need to roll that rock off and give it to God. The rock was my sorrow and grief for Paisly. I needed to bring it straight to God. After he left Andrew and I prayed. I did what he suggested and I gave it all to God. I am so glad that I did. Since then God has shown me in countless ways how he still loves me, isn't punishing me and has such a plan that I wouldn't understand. I have prayed more since then than I ever have. I am unable to explain how my prayer life with God is...other than wonderful.
Since Bobby and Paisly have went to be with our Lord, mine and Andrew's relationship with God has grown beyond measure. I pray for us multiple times a day. I also pray for you, for anyone who reads this blog. I want to share God's love with anyone who will listen. He is so good to me, and I want you to feel that peace, that understanding, that feeling of being loved beyond understanding.
If you have yet to accept God as your Savior and are interested in His love, let me show you how:
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin.
We were born under the power of sin's control.
- Admit that you are a sinner.
Romans 6:23a "...The wages of sin is death..."
Sin has an ending. It results in death. We all face physical death, which is a result of sin. But a worse death is spiritual death that alienates us from God, and will last for all eternity. The Bible teaches that there is a place called the Lake of Fire where lost people will be in torment forever. It is the place where people who are spiritually dead will remain, known as hell.
- Understand that you deserve death for your sin.
Romans 6:23b "...But the gift of God is eternal
life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Salvation is a free gift from God to you! You can't
earn this gift, but you must reach out and receive it.
- Ask God to forgive you and save you.
Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us, in
that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"
When Jesus died on the cross He paid sin's penalty. He paid the price for all sin, and when He took all the sins of the world on Himself on the cross, He bought us out of slavery to sin and death! The only condition is that we believe in Him and what He has done for us, understanding that we are now joined with Him, and that He is our life. He did all this because He loved us and gave Himself for us!
- Give your life to God... His love poured out in Jesus on the cross is your only hope to have forgiveness and change. His love bought you out of being a slave to sin. His love is what saves you -- not religion, or church membership. God loves you!
Romans 10:13 "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"
- Call out to God in the name of Jesus!
Romans 10:9,10 "...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."
- If you know that God is knocking on your heart's door,
ask Him to come into your heart.
Jesus said,
Revelation 3:20a "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."
- Is Jesus knocking on your heart's door?
Like I said before, I am not a preacher, have never attended a bible college or any of the sort. But I have accepted God into my heart and I know how wonderful it makes me feel and how My God has done such wonderful work in my life and I can't help but share. If you followed this prayer, or just want to talk, email me (drharre2@uncg.edu) or message me on facebook and I will be more than glad to talk about it...
Love,
Ryan
I'm going to be honest... I don't like sharing things that are very personal to me over the internet. It makes you feel vulnerable, like everyone knows everything about you, even when they don't know you. God has been laying on my heart for a while now to share this post and to be honest I've been putting it off. I feel like God wants me to share this story, I don't know why or what the purpose of it is but I trust my Lord and I know he is going to use it for someone or something.
On June 13th, exactly one week before we found that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat, Andrew's pawpaw Bobby passed away. His body had been eaten with cancer. Let me take you back two weeks earlier, actually let me tell you about Bobby before. Now I've only been married to Andrew for 4 years in september but Andrew and his family have told me stories. Bobby wouldn't set foot in a church, he didn't want preachers visiting him at home trying to witness to him. It was just an unspoken rule that you didn't even try talking to Bobby about the Lord because you would get nowhere. Bobby was put in the hospital and was told that he had kidney and lung cancer and had a bleeding brain tumor. Two weeks before Bobby passed, Andrew's great aunt Marie and her family(who live in New Bern) came to visit Bobby while he was in the hospital. After he was discharged to go home Marie and EJ started to leave to go home to New Bern. After they left Marie felt like they needed to go to Bobby and Becky's home because she wanted to talk to Bobby one more time about Jesus and His love for us. That day Bobby took Jesus into his heart. When Lori, Andrew's mom called me to tell me the news, I had just gotten out of class and was on my way to my car. After I got off the phone with her I just sat in my car and cried. You could feel the difference in him just by stepping into their home. He was a different person. I thank God for telling Marie and EJ to turn around that day, and I thank Marie for being obedient to his call. That's what this post is about, being obedient to God's calling.
Andrew and I both have accepted Jesus to be our Lord and Saviour. I was only 6 years old and had just gotten home from church one wednesday night when I asked my parents about being saved and God living in my heart. That night they led me to the Lord, and I completely understood what I was doing and who my God was. Andrew was 13 when he accepted Jesus at a Wild's camp one summer. Although we both had accepted Jesus, we were nowhere near the Christians that we needed to be. After we saw the work God did in Bobby's life it started to change both Andrew and I. We saw that if God could change a stubborn old man in one afternoon that we could change as well. We started praying together more, and starting to form a closer relationship with God.Although it had only been one week I could already tell a difference in myself, in Andrew and in our relationship together with God. Then Paisly went to be with the Lord.
This is the part I dread to tell. I was so angry with God. I'm the type of person that needs answers for any and everything. It was so easy to tell myself that what had happened to Bobby was so that he could accept Jesus as his saviour and to make Andrew and I realize that we weren't where we needed to be in our spiritual walk with God. It wasn't so easy however to say this with Paisly. I was so angry with God. I was changing, I was starting to form a closer relationship with him...so what was the point of all this??? Andrew however was different, he said that so soon after Paisly passed that he had complete peace. All he kept saying was "It's in God's hands, he's in control of it all". I just wanted to scream. I felt like I had been the one closer to God and here he was having peace about it all and I was slipping farther away. It's been such a confusing time. I am so ashamed to say that it took me a long time to even bow my head in prayer. I didn't want to talk to God, he took my child from me. What I realize now...she was never MY child. She has always been God's child, just as I am His child. I would see Andrew praying and I just walked away, I was just so angry. We had a loving pastor come to our home to do grief counseling with us. He taught us so many things. He told me that no problem is too big for our God. He gave the analogy of having a large rock on your foot. You wouldn't leave that rock on your foot because it hurts. He said that we need to roll that rock off and give it to God. The rock was my sorrow and grief for Paisly. I needed to bring it straight to God. After he left Andrew and I prayed. I did what he suggested and I gave it all to God. I am so glad that I did. Since then God has shown me in countless ways how he still loves me, isn't punishing me and has such a plan that I wouldn't understand. I have prayed more since then than I ever have. I am unable to explain how my prayer life with God is...other than wonderful.
Since Bobby and Paisly have went to be with our Lord, mine and Andrew's relationship with God has grown beyond measure. I pray for us multiple times a day. I also pray for you, for anyone who reads this blog. I want to share God's love with anyone who will listen. He is so good to me, and I want you to feel that peace, that understanding, that feeling of being loved beyond understanding.
If you have yet to accept God as your Savior and are interested in His love, let me show you how:
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin.
We were born under the power of sin's control.
- Admit that you are a sinner.
Romans 6:23a "...The wages of sin is death..."
Sin has an ending. It results in death. We all face physical death, which is a result of sin. But a worse death is spiritual death that alienates us from God, and will last for all eternity. The Bible teaches that there is a place called the Lake of Fire where lost people will be in torment forever. It is the place where people who are spiritually dead will remain, known as hell.
- Understand that you deserve death for your sin.
Romans 6:23b "...But the gift of God is eternal
life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Salvation is a free gift from God to you! You can't
earn this gift, but you must reach out and receive it.
- Ask God to forgive you and save you.
Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us, in
that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"
When Jesus died on the cross He paid sin's penalty. He paid the price for all sin, and when He took all the sins of the world on Himself on the cross, He bought us out of slavery to sin and death! The only condition is that we believe in Him and what He has done for us, understanding that we are now joined with Him, and that He is our life. He did all this because He loved us and gave Himself for us!
- Give your life to God... His love poured out in Jesus on the cross is your only hope to have forgiveness and change. His love bought you out of being a slave to sin. His love is what saves you -- not religion, or church membership. God loves you!
Romans 10:13 "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"
- Call out to God in the name of Jesus!
Romans 10:9,10 "...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."
- If you know that God is knocking on your heart's door,
ask Him to come into your heart.
Jesus said,
Revelation 3:20a "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."
- Is Jesus knocking on your heart's door?
Like I said before, I am not a preacher, have never attended a bible college or any of the sort. But I have accepted God into my heart and I know how wonderful it makes me feel and how My God has done such wonderful work in my life and I can't help but share. If you followed this prayer, or just want to talk, email me (drharre2@uncg.edu) or message me on facebook and I will be more than glad to talk about it...
Love,
Ryan
Saturday, August 21, 2010
telling the story
Well this is the last weekend I have off before I have no life...
School starts monday which means I'll be going to school mondays and wednesdays then working tuesday, thursday friday and saturday of each week...yes I am crazy and no I will have absolutely no life; but it will be well worth it in the end tho so I am okay with it(I say that now but I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be eating those words!)
The biggest thing I dread about starting school is opening a fresh wound...many of my professors and people that I shared many classes with were always asking about the baby during my pregnancy so I know when I go back they will be asking about Paisly. I absolutely love talking about her because she matters to much to me, but often when I tell her story it makes people feel awkward and they don't know what to say to me. I'm one of those people who HATES awkwardness and I will go out of my way to make awkward situations...unawkward. In my situation tho, it's hard to reverse the feeling once they have asked about Paisly expecting to hear me say that she is healthy and beautiful and instead I have to tell them what happened. As much as I hate that feeling I'm hoping still that sharing Paisly's story will introduce Jesus to those who don't know Him. I don't mind talking about her at all, in fact it makes me feel better to talk about her. I love just to say her name, I LOVE it! I guess because it makes me remember her. I have this huge fear that I'll forget the small things about her, like how it felt when she was kicking me, or the way her tiny toes felt on my fingertips. I think talking about her reminds me of those things and keeps them fresh in my mind.
I miss her. I never knew how strongly I could feel about someone like I do her. It's unbelievable tho, how much peace God has given me. At first after Paisly passed, I couldn't bear to hear or be around small children, especially babies. It just shook me, took me into this place of deep sorrow where all I could think about was who she would have been and how I'll never get to see her become that person. One of my closest friends, Becca had a little girl on July 17th, she was only 2 weeks ahead of me in my pregnancy. We loved to share little details of our pregnancies. I loved that she was ahead of me because she would tell me what she was experiencing and then about two weeks later when it happened to me I would know that it was normal. After Paisly was born, I was so afraid of how I would feel about Becca and Olivia. I was so very extremely happy for J and Becca. Before she became pregnant with Olivia she had a miscarriage and it devastated them. Although I was so happy for them, I knew that all I would be able to think about was how we were supposed to have the babies together...we had even planned in advance "mommy and me" days together with the girls where we would take them to have their toes done with us and so on :) After Becca brought Olivia home, I really wanted to go see her but didn't know how I would react. That's one thing I've hated about this whole situation- I am a control freak...a bad one, and during this time my emotions are so unpredictable. One day I can't even think about a baby without bawling my eyes out then the next I could be around babies all day and it make me happy....I hate it. Anyways I told Becca that I wanted to come see Olivia but I wanted to do it when she had no other visitors, because I didn't know how I would react. Andrew and I went over there and as soon as I got in the door I wanted to hold her. God just amazes me, that's all I can say. I love being around Olivia. I thought I wouldn't because it would remind me of Paisly and how they would be the same age, but instead it lets me ponder on how Paisly would be around her age, and I like that. I love to think of who she would have been. How her cries would have sounded or what her smiles would have looked like. God gives me peace and I am forever grateful for that. Thank You Lord.
Ryan
School starts monday which means I'll be going to school mondays and wednesdays then working tuesday, thursday friday and saturday of each week...yes I am crazy and no I will have absolutely no life; but it will be well worth it in the end tho so I am okay with it(I say that now but I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be eating those words!)
The biggest thing I dread about starting school is opening a fresh wound...many of my professors and people that I shared many classes with were always asking about the baby during my pregnancy so I know when I go back they will be asking about Paisly. I absolutely love talking about her because she matters to much to me, but often when I tell her story it makes people feel awkward and they don't know what to say to me. I'm one of those people who HATES awkwardness and I will go out of my way to make awkward situations...unawkward. In my situation tho, it's hard to reverse the feeling once they have asked about Paisly expecting to hear me say that she is healthy and beautiful and instead I have to tell them what happened. As much as I hate that feeling I'm hoping still that sharing Paisly's story will introduce Jesus to those who don't know Him. I don't mind talking about her at all, in fact it makes me feel better to talk about her. I love just to say her name, I LOVE it! I guess because it makes me remember her. I have this huge fear that I'll forget the small things about her, like how it felt when she was kicking me, or the way her tiny toes felt on my fingertips. I think talking about her reminds me of those things and keeps them fresh in my mind.
I miss her. I never knew how strongly I could feel about someone like I do her. It's unbelievable tho, how much peace God has given me. At first after Paisly passed, I couldn't bear to hear or be around small children, especially babies. It just shook me, took me into this place of deep sorrow where all I could think about was who she would have been and how I'll never get to see her become that person. One of my closest friends, Becca had a little girl on July 17th, she was only 2 weeks ahead of me in my pregnancy. We loved to share little details of our pregnancies. I loved that she was ahead of me because she would tell me what she was experiencing and then about two weeks later when it happened to me I would know that it was normal. After Paisly was born, I was so afraid of how I would feel about Becca and Olivia. I was so very extremely happy for J and Becca. Before she became pregnant with Olivia she had a miscarriage and it devastated them. Although I was so happy for them, I knew that all I would be able to think about was how we were supposed to have the babies together...we had even planned in advance "mommy and me" days together with the girls where we would take them to have their toes done with us and so on :) After Becca brought Olivia home, I really wanted to go see her but didn't know how I would react. That's one thing I've hated about this whole situation- I am a control freak...a bad one, and during this time my emotions are so unpredictable. One day I can't even think about a baby without bawling my eyes out then the next I could be around babies all day and it make me happy....I hate it. Anyways I told Becca that I wanted to come see Olivia but I wanted to do it when she had no other visitors, because I didn't know how I would react. Andrew and I went over there and as soon as I got in the door I wanted to hold her. God just amazes me, that's all I can say. I love being around Olivia. I thought I wouldn't because it would remind me of Paisly and how they would be the same age, but instead it lets me ponder on how Paisly would be around her age, and I like that. I love to think of who she would have been. How her cries would have sounded or what her smiles would have looked like. God gives me peace and I am forever grateful for that. Thank You Lord.
Ryan
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Roses Will Bloom Again
After Paisly passed, we had many many people who brought flowers and cards and food and all kinds of things. Everything meant so much to us. Having the love and support of family and friends means everything in such a trying time. Some things that have really helped me are plants and flowers. We have peace lillies from my papaw, Andrew's pawpaw and Paisly's funerals, I combined Paisly's and Andrew's pawpaw's bc it means a lot to Andrew that his Pawpaw got to hold and play with our precious Paisly before we did. My grandma got me some flowers...I'm embarrased to say that I don't know what they are, and I can't find it on the internet...go figure...
May Aunt Debra and her family got me a Rose bush that I planted in front of Paisly's bedroom window. I grew up listening to southern gospel and one song that I heard...still hear very often is "Roses will Bloom Again" by Bill Gaither. My Aunt had this song in mind when she gave me the rose bush.
I planted a little rose bush,
I tended it with care,
It’s buds began to blossom
Their fragrance filled the air
But when winter came it withered,
The petals drooped and fell to the ground,
My heart sank as it faded,
But I’d forgotten who had made it.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
Rose was his only sweetheart,
A loving wife for forty years.
Cherished every day they had,
And held memories oh so dear
He never dreamed he’s bore love
And go to live alone,
But he lay his Rose to rest,
Looked up to heaven and tried his best
To believe that
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
The precious Rose of Sharon,
Broken and bruised in cruel shame,
Stained on the cross of Calvary,
So that men might be saved,
Oh, Satan cheered as He died,
While Mary and the others cried,
Then God raised Him up from that sleep
And kept a promise only He could keep.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
I can't wait to see what my future Roses look like :)
Ryan
May Aunt Debra and her family got me a Rose bush that I planted in front of Paisly's bedroom window. I grew up listening to southern gospel and one song that I heard...still hear very often is "Roses will Bloom Again" by Bill Gaither. My Aunt had this song in mind when she gave me the rose bush.
I planted a little rose bush,
I tended it with care,
It’s buds began to blossom
Their fragrance filled the air
But when winter came it withered,
The petals drooped and fell to the ground,
My heart sank as it faded,
But I’d forgotten who had made it.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
Rose was his only sweetheart,
A loving wife for forty years.
Cherished every day they had,
And held memories oh so dear
He never dreamed he’s bore love
And go to live alone,
But he lay his Rose to rest,
Looked up to heaven and tried his best
To believe that
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
The precious Rose of Sharon,
Broken and bruised in cruel shame,
Stained on the cross of Calvary,
So that men might be saved,
Oh, Satan cheered as He died,
While Mary and the others cried,
Then God raised Him up from that sleep
And kept a promise only He could keep.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
I can't wait to see what my future Roses look like :)
Ryan
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Near and Dear to my Heart
Many times I will write words into this blog then erase them. I want to say the right things, I want to know that God is speaking through me to maybe help someone else. I've been praying constantly that God will reveal himself to me, to help me heal and to help me write in this blog the way I wanted to. Now, I know there is no such thing as a dumb prayer, but today I realized how that prayer must sound to God. He made me realize that I just need to open my eyes wider and look around. He is everywhere and in everything. In every situation good or bad, He is there. In every flower whether it be blossoming beautifully or withering away, He is there. In the birth of a heathly baby, or the in the birth of a still one....
HE IS THERE.
Last night for some reason was a horrible night for me, I believe I cried harder and longer than I did when we actually found out that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat. Many times when I am that way, Andrew is at a loss for words and doesn't know exactly what to say, so he just holds me, and it helps...a lot. That is the exact same thing that God does. He holds us. He holds us when we are having a good day, or when we are having a bad day. He holds us during the happiest moments of our lives and in the midst of grief and sorrow. He lets us know in the most subtle ways that he is close to us just as we need Him to be. That's how great my God is, he knows how deep my sorrow and grief over Paisly is and he is there for me.
I went to greenboro today and picked up my pendant that I had ordered a few weeks ago, it has Paisly's name hand stamped onto it and has baby feet print on a heart above it. It is symbolic in so many ways. She left feet print on my heart just by being pregnant with her, and holding her sweet body after she was born. She has changed Andrew and I so much with her short life. She is so near and dear to my heart, just like the pendant that lies just above it. She is my sweetheart that I will forever remember kicking and prodding into my ribs and constantly kicking my bladder :)
HE IS THERE.
Last night for some reason was a horrible night for me, I believe I cried harder and longer than I did when we actually found out that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat. Many times when I am that way, Andrew is at a loss for words and doesn't know exactly what to say, so he just holds me, and it helps...a lot. That is the exact same thing that God does. He holds us. He holds us when we are having a good day, or when we are having a bad day. He holds us during the happiest moments of our lives and in the midst of grief and sorrow. He lets us know in the most subtle ways that he is close to us just as we need Him to be. That's how great my God is, he knows how deep my sorrow and grief over Paisly is and he is there for me.
I went to greenboro today and picked up my pendant that I had ordered a few weeks ago, it has Paisly's name hand stamped onto it and has baby feet print on a heart above it. It is symbolic in so many ways. She left feet print on my heart just by being pregnant with her, and holding her sweet body after she was born. She has changed Andrew and I so much with her short life. She is so near and dear to my heart, just like the pendant that lies just above it. She is my sweetheart that I will forever remember kicking and prodding into my ribs and constantly kicking my bladder :)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Helping From a Distance
Ok, so you all know that I started this blog because of the book I read by Angie Smith called "I will Carry You". Well she also has a blog named "Bring the Rain" on here and I have started reading her blog from the beginning, when her trial started with her sweet daughter Audrey, whom she knew would not survive outside of her womb since she was 20 weeks pregnant, yet continued to carry her as long as our Lord would let her. Let me say that if I ever meet this woman in person, I think I will just ball my eyes out. She is so intelligent and has so much wisdom when it comes to scripture. She has a sweet spirit, and I know that she was sent by God to help people like me to get through our own trials. When I am having a day, or even just a moment that I feel my faith isn't the way it should be, or question God's plan I can go to her book, or her blog and read and she helps give me the reassurance that I need. I want to show you this post, this is how almost all her posts are. I don't know exactly if it's ok to copy/paste like this but I want you to see it. (She had just been to a Dr.'s appt)
"This is not a baby God intended for us to keep.
I feel like I need to address that last sentence. You may remember that I asked for you to pray for a miracle today, and you might feel like He failed me. He didn't.
I want you all to hear me on this, especially those of you who are in a place of questioning as far as God is concerned. As much as I want to have my Audrey, I am (truthfully) completely at peace allowing Him to have the final say. It isn't because I'm so super-spiritual or because I have a more direct line to God than anyone else. It is because He tells us we can trust Him with our lives, and I simply choose to believe Him.
....
I prayed and prayed after my appointment about the words I would post, and I kept asking God for wisdom. As my parents and my grandmother left my house late this afternoon, I went to sit on our front porch with Kate. It was a spectacular day here today, well above 70 degrees and as clear as glass. But as we sat in the shadow of our house, it got cold. The wind whipped through and made us shiver. I was tempted to go inside, as neither of us were dressed for what was turning out to be a pretty cold evening. It was just so beautiful, though, and I felt my mind start to rest. It felt so good to just sit in the silence for a minute and gather my thoughts. I looked at Kate, thumb in her mouth, her other arm wrapped around her shoulder.
"Honey, do you want to go inside?"
She knew that the implication was that I was going to stay outside. She shook her head.
"No, I wanna stay with you." She continued to stare straight ahead although her body gave a quick shudder, as if to acknowledge that she agreed that it was uncomfortable.
Against my better parenting instincts, I let her sit, and as I watched her bare feet resting on the cold brick, it occurred to me that regardless of the cost, she wanted to stay with me. She would rather shiver and suffer than be on the other side of the door.
This is how I feel about my Jesus.
It is cold. It is uncomfortable. It is not the perfect situation in my eyes. I am barefoot and unprepared for what happens when a summer day turns unexpectedly to a winter chill, but He sits beside me. I guess I always have the option to run and get warm, but like my Kate, I would rather see what He shows me from this perspective."
(Bring the Rain-Angie Smith)
Sorry, I know it's long, but I wanted you all to read it. I was discussing with a coworker today about how people get through situations like mine and we both agreed that the only possible way was God himself. As much as I don't like what he has chosen for our family, I want to believe in him. He knows the whole story, I only know half, which is what has happened already. He knows the future, He knows all of it. He knows the beginning middle and end and has everything all planned out the way it should be and I will continue to praise and worship His holy name. Thanks again for all your prayers, they mean more than any of you will ever know.
<3 Ryan
"This is not a baby God intended for us to keep.
I feel like I need to address that last sentence. You may remember that I asked for you to pray for a miracle today, and you might feel like He failed me. He didn't.
I want you all to hear me on this, especially those of you who are in a place of questioning as far as God is concerned. As much as I want to have my Audrey, I am (truthfully) completely at peace allowing Him to have the final say. It isn't because I'm so super-spiritual or because I have a more direct line to God than anyone else. It is because He tells us we can trust Him with our lives, and I simply choose to believe Him.
....
I prayed and prayed after my appointment about the words I would post, and I kept asking God for wisdom. As my parents and my grandmother left my house late this afternoon, I went to sit on our front porch with Kate. It was a spectacular day here today, well above 70 degrees and as clear as glass. But as we sat in the shadow of our house, it got cold. The wind whipped through and made us shiver. I was tempted to go inside, as neither of us were dressed for what was turning out to be a pretty cold evening. It was just so beautiful, though, and I felt my mind start to rest. It felt so good to just sit in the silence for a minute and gather my thoughts. I looked at Kate, thumb in her mouth, her other arm wrapped around her shoulder.
"Honey, do you want to go inside?"
She knew that the implication was that I was going to stay outside. She shook her head.
"No, I wanna stay with you." She continued to stare straight ahead although her body gave a quick shudder, as if to acknowledge that she agreed that it was uncomfortable.
Against my better parenting instincts, I let her sit, and as I watched her bare feet resting on the cold brick, it occurred to me that regardless of the cost, she wanted to stay with me. She would rather shiver and suffer than be on the other side of the door.
This is how I feel about my Jesus.
It is cold. It is uncomfortable. It is not the perfect situation in my eyes. I am barefoot and unprepared for what happens when a summer day turns unexpectedly to a winter chill, but He sits beside me. I guess I always have the option to run and get warm, but like my Kate, I would rather see what He shows me from this perspective."
(Bring the Rain-Angie Smith)
Sorry, I know it's long, but I wanted you all to read it. I was discussing with a coworker today about how people get through situations like mine and we both agreed that the only possible way was God himself. As much as I don't like what he has chosen for our family, I want to believe in him. He knows the whole story, I only know half, which is what has happened already. He knows the future, He knows all of it. He knows the beginning middle and end and has everything all planned out the way it should be and I will continue to praise and worship His holy name. Thanks again for all your prayers, they mean more than any of you will ever know.
<3 Ryan
Friday, August 6, 2010
Back to Work I Go
Let me tell you how much I do NOT miss waking up at 4am!!!! That is just one part of my job I have yet to get used to. You would think after 4 years you would but...nope. I was glad to get back to work because sitting in a house with an empty nursery for 6weeks isn't exactly wonderful; but at the same time I was nervous for my first few days. I thought that the patients would be talking about Paisly and everything that happened and it would be a real emotional first day back with them. I was wrong, my wonderful co-workers prepped them haha. No one said anything unless I said something first. I got to hear a few stories of patients that went through either the same or similar situations as mine. It honestly blows my mind to know that so many couples have to deal with this type of tragedy! I also had many many patients tell me that they have had us in their prayers. I'm so happy to know that so many people care enough to place our names in prayer. I can never express how much I appreciate all the prayers because we definitely need them.
On monday while I was in Greensboro with the bff, we went to our usual store; The Jewel Box...I LOVE that store!!! Anyway, while we were there I ordered a necklace and I can't wait till it comes in!!! It's a circle pendant that has Paisly's name handstamped on it, then another pendant that lays on top in the shape of a heart with baby feet on it. I'll post a pic as soon as I get it, they said it would be 3 weeks before they got it back! I can't wait!
School starts back on the 23rd...I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. It was nice this summer not worrying about writing papers and doing projects. I signed up for 4 classes thinking I would have Paisly to care for. I'm trying to find a 5th class so that I will only have to take 1 summer class then I'll be DONE!!! That is until I decide to go back...we'll see how that goes later, I'm not quite sure what the game plan is for that. I just want to get past that milemarker!!!
For all of you keeping up with this blog I want to thank you for caring and for all the many prayers you say for us. I want to ask that you keep praying for our family because we need them!
On monday while I was in Greensboro with the bff, we went to our usual store; The Jewel Box...I LOVE that store!!! Anyway, while we were there I ordered a necklace and I can't wait till it comes in!!! It's a circle pendant that has Paisly's name handstamped on it, then another pendant that lays on top in the shape of a heart with baby feet on it. I'll post a pic as soon as I get it, they said it would be 3 weeks before they got it back! I can't wait!
School starts back on the 23rd...I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. It was nice this summer not worrying about writing papers and doing projects. I signed up for 4 classes thinking I would have Paisly to care for. I'm trying to find a 5th class so that I will only have to take 1 summer class then I'll be DONE!!! That is until I decide to go back...we'll see how that goes later, I'm not quite sure what the game plan is for that. I just want to get past that milemarker!!!
For all of you keeping up with this blog I want to thank you for caring and for all the many prayers you say for us. I want to ask that you keep praying for our family because we need them!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
balloons
On Paisly's due date, I was having one of my "bad days" I couldn't stop crying and thinking about what we should have. I was texting a really good friend, someone who's been there for me in so many ways. She gave me the great idea to write another letter to Paisly like I did on here, but on paper then tie it to a balloon and release it in the air to her. I called family and they all wanted to be a part of it. It was so special and it honestly helped so much. We all wrote letters to little Paisly. Andrew and I read each other's letters but everyone else kept theirs between them and Paisly. It was so special watching them fly off into the distance.
Andrew's mawmaw even said that once when Ricky was younger they did this in class, and wrote their addresses so that whoever found their letters could write back. Well Ricky's letter made it all the way to NEW YORK!!! Mom said that whoever found these letters better have a box of kleenex ready!!! I'm so glad we did it, I believe we are going to do it every year on her birthday, June 21st. That night after Andrew and I had done our devotions we were talking quite a bit, and I was telling him how I felt as far as the consistency thing...feeling at peace with God's plans one day and trusting them, then the next questioning and not having the faith I need to. Andrew put it like this to me. He said "Ryan there is no gray with God. It's black or white, either you believe in him completely which means you trust his plan or you don't". I tell you what- I married a smart smart man. He's completely right, I have to believe God all the time, I can't let myself sit and think myself out of believing that he knows what he is doing.
Thank you God for sending Andrew to me. You have blessed us in so many ways.
Andrew's mawmaw even said that once when Ricky was younger they did this in class, and wrote their addresses so that whoever found their letters could write back. Well Ricky's letter made it all the way to NEW YORK!!! Mom said that whoever found these letters better have a box of kleenex ready!!! I'm so glad we did it, I believe we are going to do it every year on her birthday, June 21st. That night after Andrew and I had done our devotions we were talking quite a bit, and I was telling him how I felt as far as the consistency thing...feeling at peace with God's plans one day and trusting them, then the next questioning and not having the faith I need to. Andrew put it like this to me. He said "Ryan there is no gray with God. It's black or white, either you believe in him completely which means you trust his plan or you don't". I tell you what- I married a smart smart man. He's completely right, I have to believe God all the time, I can't let myself sit and think myself out of believing that he knows what he is doing.
Thank you God for sending Andrew to me. You have blessed us in so many ways.
Monday, August 2, 2010
the due date
I've had quite a bit of time to sit in silence and think of what all has happened, and still I don't think it's quite set in. Being out for 6 weeks of maternity leave is a wonderful thing...when you have a little baby to share it with. Six weeks of silence however...not so wonderful.
Many times I feel guilty if I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I should be the sleep deprived woman who is cranky and doesn't have any time for herself. I hate it that I have so much time on my hands and that my clothes are actually clean. I want so badly to have tons of puke-stained shirts to complain about. Some days I feel like I've come to terms with what has happened and then other days I just don't want to believe it. Many, many nights I dream this dream that my doctor comes in holding Paisly and says "She's right here, she's ok now!". Then I wake up and realize that won't ever happen. I hate that I have no consistency. One day I'm ok and I can proudly say she's in heaven then the next I can't stop crying because I want her here. I try my hardest to tell myself that she's in heaven, and that thought makes me happy, but I also wanted so many things for her here. Andrew is so good to me, he keeps saying that she won't ever have to worry about getting hurt here or bad things happening to her and thats true and I'm so glad, but what about the good things? I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress, I wanted to see Andrew walk her down the isle...I really wanted to see how Andrew would react to her first boyfriend. I wanted to listen to her little giggles and put her hair in pigtails. Every little thing we do, I can't help but think of how we would do it if Paisly were with us. I know this sounds silly but I was looking forward to saying we had a party of 3 when we went out to eat. I went to sign a birthday card the other day and when I was pregnant with her I would sign all three of our names. I did it for so long I started to do it on that card...but then I stopped myself. She is still part of our family but do I sign her name on cards? I mean when someone older passes we no longer put their names on cards. I hate this...it's not like there's a booklet on telling you how to handle this type of situation. I know this post isn't quite as inpirational as the others, but today is just one of those days when I don't understand. Today is Paisly's due date. She would be here by now if everything had went as planned. But as Andrew said yesturday when I was upset... "It did go as planned...God's plan" It's so easy to say and accept God's plan when it goes your way, but with situations like this; when it doesn't go like you, or anyone wanted it to, it's very very hard to accept. Keep me in your prayers today because today is one of those days. The days that we question God, like we aren't supposed to, the days that we don't understand God's plan, and the days that we just can't accept the facts of whats happening. I hate putting a post like this up, but this is me today. I don't want people to think that I'm this purely holy woman who isn't human. This is me, and this is what I'm feeling. Just pray for me today.
Many times I feel guilty if I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I should be the sleep deprived woman who is cranky and doesn't have any time for herself. I hate it that I have so much time on my hands and that my clothes are actually clean. I want so badly to have tons of puke-stained shirts to complain about. Some days I feel like I've come to terms with what has happened and then other days I just don't want to believe it. Many, many nights I dream this dream that my doctor comes in holding Paisly and says "She's right here, she's ok now!". Then I wake up and realize that won't ever happen. I hate that I have no consistency. One day I'm ok and I can proudly say she's in heaven then the next I can't stop crying because I want her here. I try my hardest to tell myself that she's in heaven, and that thought makes me happy, but I also wanted so many things for her here. Andrew is so good to me, he keeps saying that she won't ever have to worry about getting hurt here or bad things happening to her and thats true and I'm so glad, but what about the good things? I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress, I wanted to see Andrew walk her down the isle...I really wanted to see how Andrew would react to her first boyfriend. I wanted to listen to her little giggles and put her hair in pigtails. Every little thing we do, I can't help but think of how we would do it if Paisly were with us. I know this sounds silly but I was looking forward to saying we had a party of 3 when we went out to eat. I went to sign a birthday card the other day and when I was pregnant with her I would sign all three of our names. I did it for so long I started to do it on that card...but then I stopped myself. She is still part of our family but do I sign her name on cards? I mean when someone older passes we no longer put their names on cards. I hate this...it's not like there's a booklet on telling you how to handle this type of situation. I know this post isn't quite as inpirational as the others, but today is just one of those days when I don't understand. Today is Paisly's due date. She would be here by now if everything had went as planned. But as Andrew said yesturday when I was upset... "It did go as planned...God's plan" It's so easy to say and accept God's plan when it goes your way, but with situations like this; when it doesn't go like you, or anyone wanted it to, it's very very hard to accept. Keep me in your prayers today because today is one of those days. The days that we question God, like we aren't supposed to, the days that we don't understand God's plan, and the days that we just can't accept the facts of whats happening. I hate putting a post like this up, but this is me today. I don't want people to think that I'm this purely holy woman who isn't human. This is me, and this is what I'm feeling. Just pray for me today.
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