telling the story

Well this is the last weekend I have off before I have no life...
School starts monday which means I'll be going to school mondays and wednesdays then working tuesday, thursday friday and saturday of each week...yes I am crazy and no I will have absolutely no life; but it will be well worth it in the end tho so I am okay with it(I say that now but I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be eating those words!)

The biggest thing I dread about starting school is opening a fresh wound...many of my professors and people that I shared many classes with were always asking about the baby during my pregnancy so I know when I go back they will be asking about Paisly. I absolutely love talking about her because she matters to much to me, but often when I tell her story it makes people feel awkward and they don't know what to say to me. I'm one of those people who HATES awkwardness and I will go out of my way to make awkward situations...unawkward. In my situation tho, it's hard to reverse the feeling once they have asked about Paisly expecting to hear me say that she is healthy and beautiful and instead I have to tell them what happened. As much as I hate that feeling I'm hoping still that sharing Paisly's story will introduce Jesus to those who don't know Him. I don't mind talking about her at all, in fact it makes me feel better to talk about her. I love just to say her name, I LOVE it! I guess because it makes me remember her. I have this huge fear that I'll forget the small things about her, like how it felt when she was kicking me, or the way her tiny toes felt on my fingertips. I think talking about her reminds me of those things and keeps them fresh in my mind.

I miss her. I never knew how strongly I could feel about someone like I do her. It's unbelievable tho, how much peace God has given me. At first after Paisly passed, I couldn't bear to hear or be around small children, especially babies. It just shook me, took me into this place of deep sorrow where all I could think about was who she would have been and how I'll never get to see her become that person. One of my closest friends, Becca had a little girl on July 17th, she was only 2 weeks ahead of me in my pregnancy. We loved to share little details of our pregnancies. I loved that she was ahead of me because she would tell me what she was experiencing and then about two weeks later when it happened to me I would know that it was normal. After Paisly was born, I was so afraid of how I would feel about Becca and Olivia. I was so very extremely happy for J and Becca. Before she became pregnant with Olivia she had a miscarriage and it devastated them. Although I was so happy for them, I knew that all I would be able to think about was how we were supposed to have the babies together...we had even planned in advance "mommy and me" days together with the girls where we would take them to have their toes done with us and so on :) After Becca brought Olivia home, I really wanted to go see her but didn't know how I would react. That's one thing I've hated about this whole situation- I am a control freak...a bad one, and during this time my emotions are so unpredictable. One day I can't even think about a baby without bawling my eyes out then the next I could be around babies all day and it make me happy....I hate it. Anyways I told Becca that I wanted to come see Olivia but I wanted to do it when she had no other visitors, because I didn't know how I would react. Andrew and I went over there and as soon as I got in the door I wanted to hold her. God just amazes me, that's all I can say. I love being around Olivia. I thought I wouldn't because it would remind me of Paisly and how they would be the same age, but instead it lets me ponder on how Paisly would be around her age, and I like that. I love to think of who she would have been. How her cries would have sounded or what her smiles would have looked like. God gives me peace and I am forever grateful for that. Thank You Lord.

Ryan