Cupcakes and Commercials

Have you seen the latest March of Dimes commercial? Well I just saw it and it showed a babies nursery then gave a statistic of how many babies never get to see their nursery. Paisly was one of those babies.

I'll never forget the day we came home after having Paisly. I just sat in her nursery in her rocking chair and cried. While I was pregnant with her I would just go sit and rock and imagine her playing in her room. I would look in her closet and go through clothes and picture her wearing those cute little dresses with matching bows. After we came home without Paisly I just sat in her rocking chair and cried. I remember going through many phases of how I could handle things and I am so grateful for those who were patient with me through them. At first I sat in her nursery and cried. Then I shut the nursery door and did not want to go in there or anyone else to for that matter. Then we bought a house and I had no choice but to go in there to pack. I waited until the very last minute and packed her things but I didn't want anyone else doing it. It is just crazy to look back and remember the things that upset me or made me feel better. To this day I still have little quirks about certain things. For example I have a tote with her personalized things in it, or things that were just 'hers'. Her diaper bag with her name embroidered on the front, clothes that had paisley print on them or a 'P'. I have to keep them in the hall closet. I can't bare to put them in the attic or the basement. All those things she never got to use. All those things I imagined her wearing or playing with that she never got to.  I could still sit here and imagine endlessly the things she would be doing now. Potty trained perhaps? Running around messing up what I just cleaned? Drawing with sidewalk chalk? all day I could imagine...

I can also imagine what she is doing in heaven. Talking with Jesus safe and secure in His love (yes that is a song :)) I wonder the people she has met. Relatives, those we have read about in history books people of the Bible. Noah, Jonah, Job, Mary oh I bet she hears stories from them that no history book could ever explain. I miss my little girl and Mother's Day makes it just a little harder. I love being a mother. Absolutely love it. Someone asked if motherhood is all I ever thought it would be. As far as having a little girl to love on and play with and teach new things of course it is absolutely wonderful. As far as having one little girl here with me and one little girl in Glory...not so much.

As it is mother's day and my mom's birthday next week, we are throwing her a surprise party where my sister will be flying down from NYC to surprise Mom. I can't wait to see her face! I'm attempting to make 'high heel cupcakes' for the occasion. I got the idea from pinterest. Oh the ideas you can get from pinterest- except the cupcakes off pinterest look so cute! my cupcakes on the other hand...look like a 5 year old made them. I'll have to post pics after the party is over.

Finally I'm back!

You would not believe how hard it was to get back into this blog!!! About two months ago I tried to get in to update and it would not let me in!

In my mind I'm thinking Is the Lord punishing me because I have not written in so long?

I started this blog through my school email which is a google hosted email and anyway through a lot of confusion it wouldn't let me in so I posted on my facebook for some help and a wonderful, wonderful lady came to my rescue! Thank you so much April! She also has a site: www.krazyclippers.com please go check it out there are LOTS of great deals on there!

As soon as I logged in I looked at new comments and saw that someone was reading and how much it was helping her and her husband with their loss. When I read those comments I am so overwhelmed with joy that I am helping someone. When Paisly went to Glory and I was on maternity leave in an empty house, reading other's stories helped me so much. I feel so horrible that I haven't written in so long but then again I don't because I know the time away is well spent with my little Montgomery....who takes quite a bit of my attention.

She is into EVERYTHING! She's crawling very well, pulling up and I do believe she'll be walking within the next few weeks. She has a horrible fascination with cords and as I'm typing this she's trying to pull on the laptop cord. I will have to say that any simple task is not so simple anymore. Cooking supper consists of me putting her in the floor calling Bella (our dog) into the kitchen and putting a piece of tupperware between them to play together, little more cooking while I feel tugging on my pants,cooking a little then making sure she hasn't followed Bella out of the kitchen, making silly faces and then some more cooking. Whew its a task.

The other day I took Montgomery to get some Easter pictures made. It was something I've always known I'd do with my kids as weird as that sounds but getting Easter pics is a big deal to me. While it was a happy moment it was also one of those times where I see Montgomery and then I picture Paisly standing beside her or handing her one of those little plastic eggs. It is so easy to picture them together, doing things together , Paisly being the helpful big sister and Montgomery following and copying her every move. I also know that is not what God intended. I am still trying to cope with the fact that God's will was not for us to have Paisly here with us. Some days I am okay with that and others are more difficult.

I am so glad to be back on here and am going to try to keep things more current :) so for now I am going to leave you with quite a few pics of our "rainbow baby" (I've just now learned this term and find it amusing and appealing :))

 Mommy takes her picture so much she has started doing this as soon as I put it up to her!

swinging at the park