Embarrassed, but back.

I almost didn't want to show my face, it has been so long since I've written, how embarrassing. I'm really not even sure where to start to catch up. It has been over two years since I've written and so much has happened. Montgomery is now 3 years old. She is a bundle of glittery, princess, sparkly happiness. I love looking at her crinkled up nose when she smiles. She really does light up my life. She has started preschool and she loves it. I love that she loves it. What I love most is when I come to pick her up and she runs to me and screams "Mommy" like she hasn't seen me in forever. Seeing her run to me with open arms just makes me melt, and makes me thank God. I thank God for that little girl because so many days her warm smile and tight hugs are exactly what this worn out momma needs. She is now a middle child. In January 2013 we very unexpectedly found that I was pregnant. It was a mix of emotions since it was our first unplanned pregnancy, but hey, God know's what He's doing, right? I grew with excitement each time I saw that tiny nugget on the ultrasound screen. When I was almost 18 weeks pregnant, I started having pains at work. I went to the bathroom and just prayed. Because of my history with pregnancy, I worry a lot and I prayed, God if this is you telling me something is wrong...let me know, am I worrying for a reason or just because my flesh is worrying? Instantly I was overwhelmed with emotion and had Andrew pick me up and take me straight to the hospital. Again, that wand was placed on my belly and all we saw were bones. No movement, no heartbeat. Not again. Why, why, why, why?!

Okay God, you used Paisly to change us, and we did. I gave it all to you, so why this baby? What is your plan now???

We were given a choice to have an advanced D&C or to birth the baby. We chose to birth the baby since birthing and holding Paisly gave us such closure. It was an easy birth, considering the circumstances. I was taken to that same room at the end of the hall with the picture of the leaf placed on the door. That stupid picture. We birthed a tiny baby boy who we named Cohen Abel. He was just a little bigger than my hand but was perfectly formed. Ten little toes, ten tiny fingers. Once again, a perfect little baby who had already entered the kingdom of God. I will admit this time was a little easier as I had Montgomery to hold on to when I was having a tough time and she seemed to know exactly when those times were. I had already given all of my children to God and as much as this hurt, I knew God was using Cohen's short life for something.

Having graduated with my undergrad in 2011, I had not found a job in my field. This was something in my life that was so frustrating to me. Why in the world can't I find a job using this degree I worked so hard to obtain?! I just prayed. I remember being so frustrated and ill. Finally I just dropped on my knees crying hysterically asking God to put it all in front of me.

Please show me what you want me to do with my life, with what you've given me. 

He gave me three children. Three children. Use them. That's what I heard from him. I started thinking, searching and praying more that God show me how to use them for His glory. Hmm, maybe He wants me to teach, or be a school counselor to help other kids? After talking with a close friend about school counseling, it hit me like a ton of bricks. She is a LPC, a Licensed Professional Counselor. We had some pastoral grief counseling and it helped tremendously after we lost Paisly.  It just slapped me in the face, exactly what I had prayed for. He wants me to help other mother's who have experienced this heart wrenching grief of child loss. I looked into the programs available and after much prayer for confirmation, I enrolled into a  masters program to become a professional counselor. That was in the fall of 2013. I am scheduled to graduate this May, Praise God! This program has been so eye opening and life changing. I have learned so much about myself, about God. I've learned more Scripture and biblical worldviews during this program than I have in the last twenty years of my life. My plan is to become a child therapist as I love children, but I will also conduct grief therapy with bereaved parents or family members as a cost-free ministry. After paying for an unplanned funeral and hospital expenses we had no resources to pay for therapy which we definitely needed. I want to use this education and experience God has given me to help others who have been through what we have been through. I can't say enough how blessed I am. I am so thankful God has opened these doors and gave me this opportunity.