Dear Cuppie Cake

My Little Cuppie Cake,

Sweet angel, I cannot tell you how much I miss you.  I still imagine every day what you would be like if you were here on this earth. I still go into the nursery and look at shoes and outfits and bows and imagine what I would be dressing you in for the day. I think about what types of food I would be feeding you, and if you would be a picky eater like your daddy. I wonder if by now you would be rolling and crawling all over the floors of this house and how many loads of laundry I would be doing because you are teething and drooling all over everything. I could sit and think all day about who you would be, what your personality would be like, who you looked like more. I try not to though. I try to think about how much joy you are experiencing because you are with our Lord and Saviour. I do think about what you are doing up there, who you are visiting with at the moment and who all you have seen since you've been there. If Mamaw Betty has told you about me as a baby, or if your daddy's Pawpaw tells you about how crazy your daddy can be.  As much as I am hurt that you are not here with me, I am comforted that you are with Jesus and safe in His arms.

We are going to find out next week whether you have a little brother or little sister to watch over. If it is a little brother...you are going to have your hands full because I'm sure he will be just like your daddy. Your daddy misses you so much. Any time he sees a pink rifle, or princess fishing rod, or cute little pink cowgirl boots he says "Paisly would have that".  We talk about you all the time, dreaming about what fun things you are doing, what great stories Jesus is telling you at the moment. I cannot wait sweet girl to see you again. I honestly can't explain how much you have changed my life. I am so thankful that God blessed me with you. Although you were not here with us for long, you changed us so much. I wouldn't trade you for anything. I feel your little brother or sister kicking, and it reminds me of when you were here, and then I am reminded of God's grace. He is so good to us, but I'm sure you know that because you see what he has done for us all. 

I want you to know how much you have changed not only my life, but so many lives around me. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with such a sweet, sweet daughter who has touched so many lives.

I love you, and I miss you beyond what words can describe. You are my cuppie cake, my sweet Paisly and I love you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Love you always,
Mommy

Two Weeks!

Two weeks!!! In two weeks we find out what we are having! Is Paisly getting a little brother or sister???
As much as I wish she were here, I at least know that she will be looking down and watching over her little brother or sister! I'll admit that with this baby I've tried not to get too excited. I am making plans to not make plans until we bring this child home with us. I find that contradictory though...I am sitting here writing this blog and professing my faith in Jesus Christ yet I'm not trusting that everything will be ok this time. I'm working on that.  I've noticed too that I'm not doing as much such as taking my weekly pictures like I did with Paisly and I don't want that. I want to give this child just as much attention as I did her while I was pregnant. It's hard because I want to be excited about this baby and I am but I'm holding back because of what happened with Paisly. The wound is still very fresh and I can't help but remember how we felt when we came home to an empty nursery, completely ready for her. I can't go through that again.  Just keep praying for the both of us on that subject.

We also need your prayers for a few other things as well.  Andrew is having his gallbladder out next week. It is a minor surgery but it still is a surgery.  We are also praying about some big decisions that need to be made soon and we can't do it without prayer first.

Butter Bean

I figured I should update on Butter Bean's status...I went to the Dr today and the heart rate was 143. That's where it's been staying for a while now, in the 140's. Andrew is thinking, based on the heart rate, that this is a boy. I don't know quite yet, with Paisly I knew when I was about 8 weeks for sure without a doubt that she was a girl. This little buttabean is confusing me!

On another note let me just say...


My belly is huge.


Seriously, huge. I feel like I'm in my last trimester. The doctor and others have told me that with your second child you will show quicker, but this is just ridiculous. One of my professors asked me if I was going to have the baby before his midterm exam...which is in three weeks. Ha. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I will say that I am having to trust my Lord every day with this child. I am nervous, and now that I'm starting to feel the baby it's gotten a little worse. If you've ever been pregnant you know that when you first start feeling the baby move it's not constant. I will maybe feel butter bean once or twice a day then wont feel him/her for a few days. It's nerve racking. I pray constantly and the good Lord continues to give me peace and for that I am so grateful.

I went today and gave Paisly her Valentine's Day flowers. I hate to say that I took them to her grave. I hate saying that word. Grave. To me that is a final resting place, and I know without a doubt that is NOT her final resting place. She is resting in the arms of Jesus as I type these words, which makes me so happy.  I like her flowers, they are roses, they're pink but not solid pink, they are light pink on the outside then get darker toward the inside, very pretty.  It's pretty hard to find flower arrangements to fit in her itty bitty vase. I love to take her flowers. I read in one of my books that when a mother has lost her child, taking flowers and decorations to them is the only way they feel they are still taking care of them. I find this to be so true. When I don't take her flowers right at the turn of the season or a holiday I feel horrible. It makes me anxious and it's all I can think about. I know that in march I'm going to get her gerber daisies.
When Andrew and I bring Butter Bean home we have planned on taking him/her to see his/her older sister first. The take home outfit will say 'big brother/sister'. I want to somehow make an arrangement for Paisly that has flowers but says BIG SISTER somehow. I don't know exactly how but I'll figure it out :)

On a side note...I just want to say that I apologize for typos/misspelled words. I am usually what they call a spiral writer which means I write a little then read, then write a little and re-read over and over until I'm finished. With writing this blog I'm not doing that because I would never publish anything for always wanting to tweek it; therefore there will be typos/misspelled words, bad grammar and such and I apologize but....it happens.
God Bless and have a great weekend!

Hallelujah

When I clean I like to blast the music up loud...gets me motivated. Tonight I started to clean up and had the TV on "The Message" music channel. I think it's the XM radio or something. Anyways the song Hallelujah by Heather Williams came on, I've heard this song many times before but for some reason I had to sit down and sing with her. After the song went off I went back to cleaning and the song stayed in my head even though other songs kept playing on the TV. After a bit I came into the office and googled the song because I wanted to hear it again. After listening a bazillion times on youtube I clicked a side link to hear "Heather's Story" behind the song. She wrote this song because she lost a child. She lost her infant son to a heart condition. I love how God puts things like this in front of me.

It amazes me how God uses women who have been through such pain to make such a joyful noise. I've started this blog, but I want to do more. I want to reach out to other mother's who have lost a child and been through such grief and sorrow. I look at Heather who wrote this song and Angie who wrote I Will Carry You ; they have done so much to serve the Lord and at the same time have helped mothers like me who suffer such grief. I know that if I hadn't read Angie's book, I don't think I would have the same outlook that I do today. I would love to help someone else in the same way. I want to serve my Lord and do whatever it is that He wants me to do. Would you mind praying for me that I hear whatever it is that the Lord wants for me?

Here's the song that's made my cry like a baby tonight :)


Jesus, please come
please come today
hear me
heal me
be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
but in spite of it all
your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Jesus, please come
please come today
break me
mold me
use me I pray

but don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
wipe the dirt off my face
hold me in your embrace
your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen

On my knees here I fall
in spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah


The last part... "And though it seems hard I'm still trusting you Lord" that sums me up, I still don't fully understand why Paisly was here such a short time but I trust Him. I know that He knows and it will be revealed to me someday. God has already blessed me so much with a husband, with Paisly Grace, and now with the baby on the way. I want to do for Him - "Break me, mold me, use me I pray" that's what I want.


Heather Williams - Hallelujah (2010 Video & Lyrics)

Sweet Sweet Peace

John 22:21 says Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee.

I've had so many to congratulate me about my pregnancy and let me know that they are praying for this pregnancy. I appreciate them all so much. I'm not going to lie. I am nervous about everything because you don't know how everything is going to turn out. When I was pregnant with Paisly I thought that after 12 weeks I was in the clear, because after 12 weeks your chance for miscarriage dramatically decreases. I know personally that anything can happen the whole time or even after you bring that precious bundle of joy home. Although I am nervous, I have peace. With Paisly I was always worried about what the doctors were saying and wondering what else could go wrong. I pray and pray and pray for this child constantly, and I know so many of you are as well. God has given me so much peace. Before I got pregnant I just knew that I was going to be a complete basket case, that I would worry over every single thing. I am so glad that is not the case. I feel so calm about it all. Through all of my grief with Paisly I have learned to lean on God more and that he has an ultimate plan. I am completely ok with the plan that God has for us and this child. This is why I love my God so much...he whispers sweet peace to me.


On a side note...I had a dream last night about the baby!!! With Paisly, I dreamed about her rarely and never saw her face. In my dream (I won't tell you all of it because it's just crazy) I was on the beach with our son! He was about 2 years old and I can vividly remember his face. He looked just like Andrew...of course, I mean why not, Paisly looked like him and I'm sure all the rest of our kiddos will too. He was just soooo cute, and very well behaved...I hope both of those are true :)

Good Conversations

Next week my life will be over. Until June 24th. School starts tuesday, I'm taking 5 classes this semester. I have class tuesdays and thursdays from 9:30-4:45. I did this last year. Same exact thing, I had 5 classes back to back and I was pregnant. It was awful, so I know this semester will be too. I've looked at my syllabi for some of the classes and I'm already dreading it. BUT I'm going to just have to buck up and do it. It will be well worth it when I'm done.

On another note...my hormones are going craaaazy! I'm all happy go lucky one minute and the next I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm looking around me at the moment at my living room...which is still decorated for Christmas, and it is a horrible mess. I have NO energy to do anything! By time I get home from work, I'm lucky if I land on the couch! I can't wait until my 2nd trimester so I can muster up some energy.

I wanted to share something on here...If you watched the news right before Christmas you may have saw the man in High Point who was shot protecting his family from robbers. That man was a co-worker's nephew (I hope you don't mind me sharing this story). It was a horrible thing to happen and I can't imagine the family's pain right now. While at work, my coworker shared with me that at her nephew's funeral 30 people got saved.


That is amazing.


I can't stop thinking about it. About how that young man and his story brought so many people to the Lord. It amazes me how our God can bring such wonderous happenings out of such a horrible tragedy. I do wonder if God shares with those in heaven how things are working out on earth after they have gone. I hope so because that young man would be so proud to know how his life affected others. Makes me wonder about what he says to Paisly. I imagine that they have some great conversations. I love to sit and talk with God here. I can't imagine how great it would be to talk with him in heaven.

A Poem From Paisly

I wrote this poem to give to my parents and Andrew's parents the night we found out we were pregnant :)

God shares with me all the prayers sent above
With so much care and so much love
He lets me know my family is full of love to share
And when he brought me home it caused much despair
He said to me for every time there is a season
And I brought you home for a very good reason
We’ve discussed it together and He assured me
He would bless this family with another baby
The time has come, and in the womb of my mother
Is growing so fast, my sister or brother
I wanted to share the good news with you
Because mommy and daddy are now parents of two

Love,
Paisly Grace