the due date

I've had quite a bit of time to sit in silence and think of what all has happened, and still I don't think it's quite set in. Being out for 6 weeks of maternity leave is a wonderful thing...when you have a little baby to share it with. Six weeks of silence however...not so wonderful.
Many times I feel guilty if I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I should be the sleep deprived woman who is cranky and doesn't have any time for herself. I hate it that I have so much time on my hands and that my clothes are actually clean. I want so badly to have tons of puke-stained shirts to complain about. Some days I feel like I've come to terms with what has happened and then other days I just don't want to believe it. Many, many nights I dream this dream that my doctor comes in holding Paisly and says "She's right here, she's ok now!". Then I wake up and realize that won't ever happen. I hate that I have no consistency. One day I'm ok and I can proudly say she's in heaven then the next I can't stop crying because I want her here. I try my hardest to tell myself that she's in heaven, and that thought makes me happy, but I also wanted so many things for her here. Andrew is so good to me, he keeps saying that she won't ever have to worry about getting hurt here or bad things happening to her and thats true and I'm so glad, but what about the good things? I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress, I wanted to see Andrew walk her down the isle...I really wanted to see how Andrew would react to her first boyfriend. I wanted to listen to her little giggles and put her hair in pigtails. Every little thing we do, I can't help but think of how we would do it if Paisly were with us. I know this sounds silly but I was looking forward to saying we had a party of 3 when we went out to eat. I went to sign a birthday card the other day and when I was pregnant with her I would sign all three of our names. I did it for so long I started to do it on that card...but then I stopped myself. She is still part of our family but do I sign her name on cards? I mean when someone older passes we no longer put their names on cards. I hate this...it's not like there's a booklet on telling you how to handle this type of situation. I know this post isn't quite as inpirational as the others, but today is just one of those days when I don't understand. Today is Paisly's due date. She would be here by now if everything had went as planned. But as Andrew said yesturday when I was upset... "It did go as planned...God's plan" It's so easy to say and accept God's plan when it goes your way, but with situations like this; when it doesn't go like you, or anyone wanted it to, it's very very hard to accept. Keep me in your prayers today because today is one of those days. The days that we question God, like we aren't supposed to, the days that we don't understand God's plan, and the days that we just can't accept the facts of whats happening. I hate putting a post like this up, but this is me today. I don't want people to think that I'm this purely holy woman who isn't human. This is me, and this is what I'm feeling. Just pray for me today.