Before the Morning

This song has helped me through my bad days...






Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

A Prayer Request

Ugh...still can't find that cord!!! I want to put up some pictures and I can't- so frustrating!!! So today at work....Andrew sent me yellow roses. I love my husband so much. We are doing devotions every night, and this weeks theme is about romance. We talked last night about each other's ideas of romance and so on...well needless to say my hunny just showed me up!!! Any ideas on how to romanticize him back? (keep it clean ladies ;) )

I can't wait for October 1st! I get to hear Angie Smith speak, I'm so excited! I need it. I will say that what people say it true; time heals your wounds. I won't say that I'm completely healed, I don't think that will ever be the case but my bad days are becoming a little more spaced out than they were before. I still have the occassional person who I run into from classes last semester who ask how my baby is and I have to tell them. I hate the reactions. Not because of them, they don't know but that's just it. Every single time, whoever it is it never fails, they keep apologizing saying they didn't mean to bring it up...Umm you didn't know! and however hard I try the awqwardness...just lingers!!!!!!! ugh that awqwardness!!! I will conquer it one day!

Ok. I wasn't going to announce this, but I know the power of prayer and I need ya'll to pray pray pray for us. When I went for my post partum checkup my Dr advised us to wait a year to conceive again, more for emotional reasons than physical. Andrew and I have discussed it A LOT and we both feel that we are ready to start trying again. I know it seems soon, but...it took three years to get pregnant with Paisly, so we want to start now. Please keep us in your prayers as when you are trying to get pregnant it can be extremely draining. I know this sounds kind of odd, but during Paisly's labor and delivery and afterward I could honestly feel all the prayers, I just knew that our names were being lifted to our Lord and I ask you to do the same now. Thanks guys :)

Love
Ryan

Pictures and Lost Cords

O My, I feel like such a slacker! I kinda knew this would happen when I got into school and doing homework and working and everything. I don't want it to...so I'm going to buck up and get it done :) I wanted to get a picture up of Paisly's headstone, but I can't find my cord...that's just like me, to lose something that I use so often! I want to put up some pics of Andrew and I in Boone last weekend. It was so nice up there, and to get away for a while was just what we needed. The weather was so beautiful and the scenery was breath taking. It was nice to look at what God has made. All the beauty that he created just amazes me. I'll tell you one thing He is one smart cookie. I can just imagine his thoughts while he's creating all the beauty of this world. Sitting like a painter in front of His canvas....Amazing.

Andrew and I have been reading a devotion every night by the Dobson family. Pastor Dickerson gave it to us when he came over. I love it. Every week has a different theme, and this weeks them is to trust God. It has been just what I needed to hear. I do trust God and I trust that he has a plan for us, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. It still hurts beyond words that Paisly isn't here but I find so much comfort knowing that God has a plan. One that we don't know quite yet, but someday he will show us the whole picture

Also, one last thing- We are going on a memory walk for Paisly Grace on October 9th. It kind of reminds me a little bit of Relay for Life. You have teams for your loved one. If anyone is interested in going with us let me know, you have to be registered by september 21st!!!! Email me or message me of facebook, or call...just let me know soon :)

Final...

The monument people called to say that they were putting Paisly's headstone in. They wanted to know if we wanted to be there when they put it in. I told him no that we would come later on this afternoon... I don't think I would be able to stand there while they finalize the fact that my daughter's tiny body is in the ground. I know its just the resting place for her flesh and that she isn't really in that small box but it still hurts to know that she's there and not in my arms.
I have mixed feelings about it all, I'm glad that she is getting her headstone. I hate going to see her and all that is there is the little plastic marker that the funeral home placed there, I want something better for my daughter letting people know she's there. She is so much better than a flimsy piece of plastic. On the other hand it makes everything final. There's nothing left to wait for. It all is a waiting game. We waited to get pregnant, we waited to see if she was a boy or girl, we waited on test results, we waited to see why she wasn't moving, we waited 15 hours to meet her, we waited on the funeral home to get her tiny body ready, and we waited for her headstone to be placed in the ground over her tiny casket. Now it's all done. No more waiting. But now that I think about it, I will still wait, I will wait to see her again in heaven. To me that is worth the wait, it all was. When I was in labor with her, I dreaded that when she came she would already be gone, yet I was glad that I would be able to finally hold her in my arms. I'll be so thrilled to be reunited with my little girl, to talk about so many things with her, ask her what all she's been doing this whole time in heaven, who she's met up there and so much more.

I'll try to post a picture of her stone a little later on here...

scarlet

School so far hasn't been too bad...I only took 4 classes because I thought I would have Paisly to care for. I wanted to add a 5th during drop/add but they were all full! Maybe that was God's way of telling me that this was enough for this semester. One of the classes may be enough work for 3!!! Seeing how hard it is just going to school and working all the time, I can't imagine what I would have done if Paisly were here...I mean obviously I would have made it work somehow. I'm going to see Angie Smith speak in October and I CAN'T WAIT!!! I'm so excited about it...I feel like I'm going to meet a celebrity! Just by reading her blogs I am so moved and touched by her words so I'm sure hearing her speak in person will just be all kinds of wonderful!!! :)

Speaking of Angie, I was reading her blog the other day...of course:) and she told a story that I have never heard of. It's in the book of Joshua, in the 2nd chapter. Its the story of Rahab, She was a prostitute. OK, so the story goes as follows: Moses never got to enter the promised land and his successor Joshua was planning on invading Canaan, specifically the city of Jericho. He sent two spies into the city. While they were in the city they had to hide in the home of Rahab the prostitute. The King of Jericho found out there were two spies in his city and sent out representatives to look for them. They came to Rahab's house and instead of turning them in, she risked her life and lied saying that they were there, but left and were already on their way out of the city. She hid the two men on her roof while the guards swept the streets looking for them. The story goes on to say that she realizes what God has done for them and that she believes in God more than she fears for herself. She tells the spies that she will keep them safe as long as they promise her that when they invade the city they will not harm her or her family. They agree and tell her that she must hang a scarlet cord from her window to let those who are invading the city know they are to be spared.

Angie goes on to tell the lineage of Rahab...This is the kicker to me. So listen up :)

Rahab is the mother of Boaz.
Boaz is the father of Obed.
Obed is the father of Jessie
Jessie is the father of David.


skip a couple of generations and...

... Jacob the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.


Wow...

This just amazes me. God chose a prostitute to be in the family tree of His son Jesus Christ. He chose her for His story. This makes me think that for some reason, reasons unknown...

He chose me

He chose me to be part of his story, He chose my little Paisly to be part of His story. I love Him dearly for that, I LOVE that my little girl, my precious sweet little Paisly Grace is part of such a large story. I don't know what the ending will look like, but I know that God knows and so far God's story has been pretty amazing. As we all know that every great book has a wonderful ending. Although I know my story will never end because I'll live for eternity in heaven, I know that my story here on earth will someday come to a conclusion and only God himself knows what that will entail. Say a prayer for us tonight and I will for you as well, as we try to live out the story God has put together for us.


Love
Ryan

To my Cuppie Cake

Dear Cuppie Cake,

I wanted to write you another letter...I like doing it, I believe I'll write to you every once in a while. Mommy started school this week. It made me think of how I wanted to take you to your first day of school. I already planned on how I was going to fix your hair and what your outfit would look like :) I was so worried while you were in my belly about how I was going to manage classes, work and taking care of you. I thought about taking you to class with me, it made me cry just to think of me leaving you to go to school and to work. Then I thought about how much of a germaphobe I am and how college campuses are filthy dirty! I'm sorry sweety but mommy would have had you living in a bubble!!!

I miss you so much, I talk to you all the time and I hope that God lets you hear me. I know though that you are in heaven so immersed in God and His Glory. I hope that God tells you how much you were loved here. I'm sure that the flies on the wall think I'm just a crazy woman telling you all about my day or my classes or about how much I love your daddy. I go in your room, and although you never got to use any of the things we had ready for you, it still reminds me of you. I look through your clothes and think of what you would be wearing at the moment, wishing I would have gotten to see you wiggle around in it.

Your daddy misses you like crazy as well. He wanted so bad to take you places and do things with you. He wanted you as soon as we were married, he was wanting you to be a honeymoon baby, I think he's wanted to be a daddy as long as he can remember! I do believe you would have been a daddy's girl. Your daddy has this way of "wooing". It's impossible not to love him. I wanted to see you run to his arms after he got home from work, and I couldn't wait for him to teach you how to fish...he said that he was going to teach you to bait your own hook...mommy is a wuss and daddy always has to do it for me!

I was thinking the other day about how I wanted to tell you all the bible stories just like my mom did with me. Then I thought, God has to be a better story teller than me, He was there! I can just see him telling you about Noah and the Ark, he probably puts in some pretty good sound effects, or even lets you see the giraffes and elephants first hand. Yep, I'm 100% sure his version of the story is better than mine :)

I miss you cuppie cake, and I love you beyond what words can say.

Love always,
Mommy

My God

**Let me first say...I am by no means a preacher, pastor or anything of the type, I am only a woman who is trying to be obedient to his call**

I'm going to be honest... I don't like sharing things that are very personal to me over the internet. It makes you feel vulnerable, like everyone knows everything about you, even when they don't know you. God has been laying on my heart for a while now to share this post and to be honest I've been putting it off. I feel like God wants me to share this story, I don't know why or what the purpose of it is but I trust my Lord and I know he is going to use it for someone or something.

On June 13th, exactly one week before we found that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat, Andrew's pawpaw Bobby passed away. His body had been eaten with cancer. Let me take you back two weeks earlier, actually let me tell you about Bobby before. Now I've only been married to Andrew for 4 years in september but Andrew and his family have told me stories. Bobby wouldn't set foot in a church, he didn't want preachers visiting him at home trying to witness to him. It was just an unspoken rule that you didn't even try talking to Bobby about the Lord because you would get nowhere. Bobby was put in the hospital and was told that he had kidney and lung cancer and had a bleeding brain tumor. Two weeks before Bobby passed, Andrew's great aunt Marie and her family(who live in New Bern) came to visit Bobby while he was in the hospital. After he was discharged to go home Marie and EJ started to leave to go home to New Bern. After they left Marie felt like they needed to go to Bobby and Becky's home because she wanted to talk to Bobby one more time about Jesus and His love for us. That day Bobby took Jesus into his heart. When Lori, Andrew's mom called me to tell me the news, I had just gotten out of class and was on my way to my car. After I got off the phone with her I just sat in my car and cried. You could feel the difference in him just by stepping into their home. He was a different person. I thank God for telling Marie and EJ to turn around that day, and I thank Marie for being obedient to his call. That's what this post is about, being obedient to God's calling.

Andrew and I both have accepted Jesus to be our Lord and Saviour. I was only 6 years old and had just gotten home from church one wednesday night when I asked my parents about being saved and God living in my heart. That night they led me to the Lord, and I completely understood what I was doing and who my God was. Andrew was 13 when he accepted Jesus at a Wild's camp one summer. Although we both had accepted Jesus, we were nowhere near the Christians that we needed to be. After we saw the work God did in Bobby's life it started to change both Andrew and I. We saw that if God could change a stubborn old man in one afternoon that we could change as well. We started praying together more, and starting to form a closer relationship with God.Although it had only been one week I could already tell a difference in myself, in Andrew and in our relationship together with God. Then Paisly went to be with the Lord.

This is the part I dread to tell. I was so angry with God. I'm the type of person that needs answers for any and everything. It was so easy to tell myself that what had happened to Bobby was so that he could accept Jesus as his saviour and to make Andrew and I realize that we weren't where we needed to be in our spiritual walk with God. It wasn't so easy however to say this with Paisly. I was so angry with God. I was changing, I was starting to form a closer relationship with him...so what was the point of all this??? Andrew however was different, he said that so soon after Paisly passed that he had complete peace. All he kept saying was "It's in God's hands, he's in control of it all". I just wanted to scream. I felt like I had been the one closer to God and here he was having peace about it all and I was slipping farther away. It's been such a confusing time. I am so ashamed to say that it took me a long time to even bow my head in prayer. I didn't want to talk to God, he took my child from me. What I realize now...she was never MY child. She has always been God's child, just as I am His child. I would see Andrew praying and I just walked away, I was just so angry. We had a loving pastor come to our home to do grief counseling with us. He taught us so many things. He told me that no problem is too big for our God. He gave the analogy of having a large rock on your foot. You wouldn't leave that rock on your foot because it hurts. He said that we need to roll that rock off and give it to God. The rock was my sorrow and grief for Paisly. I needed to bring it straight to God. After he left Andrew and I prayed. I did what he suggested and I gave it all to God. I am so glad that I did. Since then God has shown me in countless ways how he still loves me, isn't punishing me and has such a plan that I wouldn't understand. I have prayed more since then than I ever have. I am unable to explain how my prayer life with God is...other than wonderful.

Since Bobby and Paisly have went to be with our Lord, mine and Andrew's relationship with God has grown beyond measure. I pray for us multiple times a day. I also pray for you, for anyone who reads this blog. I want to share God's love with anyone who will listen. He is so good to me, and I want you to feel that peace, that understanding, that feeling of being loved beyond understanding.

If you have yet to accept God as your Savior and are interested in His love, let me show you how:


Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin.

We were born under the power of sin's control.

- Admit that you are a sinner.



Romans 6:23a "...The wages of sin is death..."

Sin has an ending. It results in death. We all face physical death, which is a result of sin. But a worse death is spiritual death that alienates us from God, and will last for all eternity. The Bible teaches that there is a place called the Lake of Fire where lost people will be in torment forever. It is the place where people who are spiritually dead will remain, known as hell.

- Understand that you deserve death for your sin.



Romans 6:23b "...But the gift of God is eternal

life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Salvation is a free gift from God to you! You can't

earn this gift, but you must reach out and receive it.

- Ask God to forgive you and save you.



Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us, in

that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"

When Jesus died on the cross He paid sin's penalty. He paid the price for all sin, and when He took all the sins of the world on Himself on the cross, He bought us out of slavery to sin and death! The only condition is that we believe in Him and what He has done for us, understanding that we are now joined with Him, and that He is our life. He did all this because He loved us and gave Himself for us!

- Give your life to God... His love poured out in Jesus on the cross is your only hope to have forgiveness and change. His love bought you out of being a slave to sin. His love is what saves you -- not religion, or church membership. God loves you!



Romans 10:13 "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"

- Call out to God in the name of Jesus!



Romans 10:9,10 "...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."

- If you know that God is knocking on your heart's door,

ask Him to come into your heart.



Jesus said,

Revelation 3:20a "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."

- Is Jesus knocking on your heart's door?



Like I said before, I am not a preacher, have never attended a bible college or any of the sort. But I have accepted God into my heart and I know how wonderful it makes me feel and how My God has done such wonderful work in my life and I can't help but share. If you followed this prayer, or just want to talk, email me (drharre2@uncg.edu) or message me on facebook and I will be more than glad to talk about it...







Love,
Ryan