Well this is the last weekend I have off before I have no life...
School starts monday which means I'll be going to school mondays and wednesdays then working tuesday, thursday friday and saturday of each week...yes I am crazy and no I will have absolutely no life; but it will be well worth it in the end tho so I am okay with it(I say that now but I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be eating those words!)
The biggest thing I dread about starting school is opening a fresh wound...many of my professors and people that I shared many classes with were always asking about the baby during my pregnancy so I know when I go back they will be asking about Paisly. I absolutely love talking about her because she matters to much to me, but often when I tell her story it makes people feel awkward and they don't know what to say to me. I'm one of those people who HATES awkwardness and I will go out of my way to make awkward situations...unawkward. In my situation tho, it's hard to reverse the feeling once they have asked about Paisly expecting to hear me say that she is healthy and beautiful and instead I have to tell them what happened. As much as I hate that feeling I'm hoping still that sharing Paisly's story will introduce Jesus to those who don't know Him. I don't mind talking about her at all, in fact it makes me feel better to talk about her. I love just to say her name, I LOVE it! I guess because it makes me remember her. I have this huge fear that I'll forget the small things about her, like how it felt when she was kicking me, or the way her tiny toes felt on my fingertips. I think talking about her reminds me of those things and keeps them fresh in my mind.
I miss her. I never knew how strongly I could feel about someone like I do her. It's unbelievable tho, how much peace God has given me. At first after Paisly passed, I couldn't bear to hear or be around small children, especially babies. It just shook me, took me into this place of deep sorrow where all I could think about was who she would have been and how I'll never get to see her become that person. One of my closest friends, Becca had a little girl on July 17th, she was only 2 weeks ahead of me in my pregnancy. We loved to share little details of our pregnancies. I loved that she was ahead of me because she would tell me what she was experiencing and then about two weeks later when it happened to me I would know that it was normal. After Paisly was born, I was so afraid of how I would feel about Becca and Olivia. I was so very extremely happy for J and Becca. Before she became pregnant with Olivia she had a miscarriage and it devastated them. Although I was so happy for them, I knew that all I would be able to think about was how we were supposed to have the babies together...we had even planned in advance "mommy and me" days together with the girls where we would take them to have their toes done with us and so on :) After Becca brought Olivia home, I really wanted to go see her but didn't know how I would react. That's one thing I've hated about this whole situation- I am a control freak...a bad one, and during this time my emotions are so unpredictable. One day I can't even think about a baby without bawling my eyes out then the next I could be around babies all day and it make me happy....I hate it. Anyways I told Becca that I wanted to come see Olivia but I wanted to do it when she had no other visitors, because I didn't know how I would react. Andrew and I went over there and as soon as I got in the door I wanted to hold her. God just amazes me, that's all I can say. I love being around Olivia. I thought I wouldn't because it would remind me of Paisly and how they would be the same age, but instead it lets me ponder on how Paisly would be around her age, and I like that. I love to think of who she would have been. How her cries would have sounded or what her smiles would have looked like. God gives me peace and I am forever grateful for that. Thank You Lord.
Ryan
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Roses Will Bloom Again
After Paisly passed, we had many many people who brought flowers and cards and food and all kinds of things. Everything meant so much to us. Having the love and support of family and friends means everything in such a trying time. Some things that have really helped me are plants and flowers. We have peace lillies from my papaw, Andrew's pawpaw and Paisly's funerals, I combined Paisly's and Andrew's pawpaw's bc it means a lot to Andrew that his Pawpaw got to hold and play with our precious Paisly before we did. My grandma got me some flowers...I'm embarrased to say that I don't know what they are, and I can't find it on the internet...go figure...
May Aunt Debra and her family got me a Rose bush that I planted in front of Paisly's bedroom window. I grew up listening to southern gospel and one song that I heard...still hear very often is "Roses will Bloom Again" by Bill Gaither. My Aunt had this song in mind when she gave me the rose bush.
I planted a little rose bush,
I tended it with care,
It’s buds began to blossom
Their fragrance filled the air
But when winter came it withered,
The petals drooped and fell to the ground,
My heart sank as it faded,
But I’d forgotten who had made it.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
Rose was his only sweetheart,
A loving wife for forty years.
Cherished every day they had,
And held memories oh so dear
He never dreamed he’s bore love
And go to live alone,
But he lay his Rose to rest,
Looked up to heaven and tried his best
To believe that
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
The precious Rose of Sharon,
Broken and bruised in cruel shame,
Stained on the cross of Calvary,
So that men might be saved,
Oh, Satan cheered as He died,
While Mary and the others cried,
Then God raised Him up from that sleep
And kept a promise only He could keep.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
I can't wait to see what my future Roses look like :)
Ryan
May Aunt Debra and her family got me a Rose bush that I planted in front of Paisly's bedroom window. I grew up listening to southern gospel and one song that I heard...still hear very often is "Roses will Bloom Again" by Bill Gaither. My Aunt had this song in mind when she gave me the rose bush.
I planted a little rose bush,
I tended it with care,
It’s buds began to blossom
Their fragrance filled the air
But when winter came it withered,
The petals drooped and fell to the ground,
My heart sank as it faded,
But I’d forgotten who had made it.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
Rose was his only sweetheart,
A loving wife for forty years.
Cherished every day they had,
And held memories oh so dear
He never dreamed he’s bore love
And go to live alone,
But he lay his Rose to rest,
Looked up to heaven and tried his best
To believe that
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
The precious Rose of Sharon,
Broken and bruised in cruel shame,
Stained on the cross of Calvary,
So that men might be saved,
Oh, Satan cheered as He died,
While Mary and the others cried,
Then God raised Him up from that sleep
And kept a promise only He could keep.
Roses will bloom again,
Just wait and see
Don’t mourn what might have been
Only God knows how and when that
Roses will bloom again.
I can't wait to see what my future Roses look like :)
Ryan
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Near and Dear to my Heart
Many times I will write words into this blog then erase them. I want to say the right things, I want to know that God is speaking through me to maybe help someone else. I've been praying constantly that God will reveal himself to me, to help me heal and to help me write in this blog the way I wanted to. Now, I know there is no such thing as a dumb prayer, but today I realized how that prayer must sound to God. He made me realize that I just need to open my eyes wider and look around. He is everywhere and in everything. In every situation good or bad, He is there. In every flower whether it be blossoming beautifully or withering away, He is there. In the birth of a heathly baby, or the in the birth of a still one....
HE IS THERE.
Last night for some reason was a horrible night for me, I believe I cried harder and longer than I did when we actually found out that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat. Many times when I am that way, Andrew is at a loss for words and doesn't know exactly what to say, so he just holds me, and it helps...a lot. That is the exact same thing that God does. He holds us. He holds us when we are having a good day, or when we are having a bad day. He holds us during the happiest moments of our lives and in the midst of grief and sorrow. He lets us know in the most subtle ways that he is close to us just as we need Him to be. That's how great my God is, he knows how deep my sorrow and grief over Paisly is and he is there for me.
I went to greenboro today and picked up my pendant that I had ordered a few weeks ago, it has Paisly's name hand stamped onto it and has baby feet print on a heart above it. It is symbolic in so many ways. She left feet print on my heart just by being pregnant with her, and holding her sweet body after she was born. She has changed Andrew and I so much with her short life. She is so near and dear to my heart, just like the pendant that lies just above it. She is my sweetheart that I will forever remember kicking and prodding into my ribs and constantly kicking my bladder :)
HE IS THERE.
Last night for some reason was a horrible night for me, I believe I cried harder and longer than I did when we actually found out that Paisly no longer had a heartbeat. Many times when I am that way, Andrew is at a loss for words and doesn't know exactly what to say, so he just holds me, and it helps...a lot. That is the exact same thing that God does. He holds us. He holds us when we are having a good day, or when we are having a bad day. He holds us during the happiest moments of our lives and in the midst of grief and sorrow. He lets us know in the most subtle ways that he is close to us just as we need Him to be. That's how great my God is, he knows how deep my sorrow and grief over Paisly is and he is there for me.
I went to greenboro today and picked up my pendant that I had ordered a few weeks ago, it has Paisly's name hand stamped onto it and has baby feet print on a heart above it. It is symbolic in so many ways. She left feet print on my heart just by being pregnant with her, and holding her sweet body after she was born. She has changed Andrew and I so much with her short life. She is so near and dear to my heart, just like the pendant that lies just above it. She is my sweetheart that I will forever remember kicking and prodding into my ribs and constantly kicking my bladder :)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Helping From a Distance
Ok, so you all know that I started this blog because of the book I read by Angie Smith called "I will Carry You". Well she also has a blog named "Bring the Rain" on here and I have started reading her blog from the beginning, when her trial started with her sweet daughter Audrey, whom she knew would not survive outside of her womb since she was 20 weeks pregnant, yet continued to carry her as long as our Lord would let her. Let me say that if I ever meet this woman in person, I think I will just ball my eyes out. She is so intelligent and has so much wisdom when it comes to scripture. She has a sweet spirit, and I know that she was sent by God to help people like me to get through our own trials. When I am having a day, or even just a moment that I feel my faith isn't the way it should be, or question God's plan I can go to her book, or her blog and read and she helps give me the reassurance that I need. I want to show you this post, this is how almost all her posts are. I don't know exactly if it's ok to copy/paste like this but I want you to see it. (She had just been to a Dr.'s appt)
"This is not a baby God intended for us to keep.
I feel like I need to address that last sentence. You may remember that I asked for you to pray for a miracle today, and you might feel like He failed me. He didn't.
I want you all to hear me on this, especially those of you who are in a place of questioning as far as God is concerned. As much as I want to have my Audrey, I am (truthfully) completely at peace allowing Him to have the final say. It isn't because I'm so super-spiritual or because I have a more direct line to God than anyone else. It is because He tells us we can trust Him with our lives, and I simply choose to believe Him.
....
I prayed and prayed after my appointment about the words I would post, and I kept asking God for wisdom. As my parents and my grandmother left my house late this afternoon, I went to sit on our front porch with Kate. It was a spectacular day here today, well above 70 degrees and as clear as glass. But as we sat in the shadow of our house, it got cold. The wind whipped through and made us shiver. I was tempted to go inside, as neither of us were dressed for what was turning out to be a pretty cold evening. It was just so beautiful, though, and I felt my mind start to rest. It felt so good to just sit in the silence for a minute and gather my thoughts. I looked at Kate, thumb in her mouth, her other arm wrapped around her shoulder.
"Honey, do you want to go inside?"
She knew that the implication was that I was going to stay outside. She shook her head.
"No, I wanna stay with you." She continued to stare straight ahead although her body gave a quick shudder, as if to acknowledge that she agreed that it was uncomfortable.
Against my better parenting instincts, I let her sit, and as I watched her bare feet resting on the cold brick, it occurred to me that regardless of the cost, she wanted to stay with me. She would rather shiver and suffer than be on the other side of the door.
This is how I feel about my Jesus.
It is cold. It is uncomfortable. It is not the perfect situation in my eyes. I am barefoot and unprepared for what happens when a summer day turns unexpectedly to a winter chill, but He sits beside me. I guess I always have the option to run and get warm, but like my Kate, I would rather see what He shows me from this perspective."
(Bring the Rain-Angie Smith)
Sorry, I know it's long, but I wanted you all to read it. I was discussing with a coworker today about how people get through situations like mine and we both agreed that the only possible way was God himself. As much as I don't like what he has chosen for our family, I want to believe in him. He knows the whole story, I only know half, which is what has happened already. He knows the future, He knows all of it. He knows the beginning middle and end and has everything all planned out the way it should be and I will continue to praise and worship His holy name. Thanks again for all your prayers, they mean more than any of you will ever know.
<3 Ryan
"This is not a baby God intended for us to keep.
I feel like I need to address that last sentence. You may remember that I asked for you to pray for a miracle today, and you might feel like He failed me. He didn't.
I want you all to hear me on this, especially those of you who are in a place of questioning as far as God is concerned. As much as I want to have my Audrey, I am (truthfully) completely at peace allowing Him to have the final say. It isn't because I'm so super-spiritual or because I have a more direct line to God than anyone else. It is because He tells us we can trust Him with our lives, and I simply choose to believe Him.
....
I prayed and prayed after my appointment about the words I would post, and I kept asking God for wisdom. As my parents and my grandmother left my house late this afternoon, I went to sit on our front porch with Kate. It was a spectacular day here today, well above 70 degrees and as clear as glass. But as we sat in the shadow of our house, it got cold. The wind whipped through and made us shiver. I was tempted to go inside, as neither of us were dressed for what was turning out to be a pretty cold evening. It was just so beautiful, though, and I felt my mind start to rest. It felt so good to just sit in the silence for a minute and gather my thoughts. I looked at Kate, thumb in her mouth, her other arm wrapped around her shoulder.
"Honey, do you want to go inside?"
She knew that the implication was that I was going to stay outside. She shook her head.
"No, I wanna stay with you." She continued to stare straight ahead although her body gave a quick shudder, as if to acknowledge that she agreed that it was uncomfortable.
Against my better parenting instincts, I let her sit, and as I watched her bare feet resting on the cold brick, it occurred to me that regardless of the cost, she wanted to stay with me. She would rather shiver and suffer than be on the other side of the door.
This is how I feel about my Jesus.
It is cold. It is uncomfortable. It is not the perfect situation in my eyes. I am barefoot and unprepared for what happens when a summer day turns unexpectedly to a winter chill, but He sits beside me. I guess I always have the option to run and get warm, but like my Kate, I would rather see what He shows me from this perspective."
(Bring the Rain-Angie Smith)
Sorry, I know it's long, but I wanted you all to read it. I was discussing with a coworker today about how people get through situations like mine and we both agreed that the only possible way was God himself. As much as I don't like what he has chosen for our family, I want to believe in him. He knows the whole story, I only know half, which is what has happened already. He knows the future, He knows all of it. He knows the beginning middle and end and has everything all planned out the way it should be and I will continue to praise and worship His holy name. Thanks again for all your prayers, they mean more than any of you will ever know.
<3 Ryan
Friday, August 6, 2010
Back to Work I Go
Let me tell you how much I do NOT miss waking up at 4am!!!! That is just one part of my job I have yet to get used to. You would think after 4 years you would but...nope. I was glad to get back to work because sitting in a house with an empty nursery for 6weeks isn't exactly wonderful; but at the same time I was nervous for my first few days. I thought that the patients would be talking about Paisly and everything that happened and it would be a real emotional first day back with them. I was wrong, my wonderful co-workers prepped them haha. No one said anything unless I said something first. I got to hear a few stories of patients that went through either the same or similar situations as mine. It honestly blows my mind to know that so many couples have to deal with this type of tragedy! I also had many many patients tell me that they have had us in their prayers. I'm so happy to know that so many people care enough to place our names in prayer. I can never express how much I appreciate all the prayers because we definitely need them.
On monday while I was in Greensboro with the bff, we went to our usual store; The Jewel Box...I LOVE that store!!! Anyway, while we were there I ordered a necklace and I can't wait till it comes in!!! It's a circle pendant that has Paisly's name handstamped on it, then another pendant that lays on top in the shape of a heart with baby feet on it. I'll post a pic as soon as I get it, they said it would be 3 weeks before they got it back! I can't wait!
School starts back on the 23rd...I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. It was nice this summer not worrying about writing papers and doing projects. I signed up for 4 classes thinking I would have Paisly to care for. I'm trying to find a 5th class so that I will only have to take 1 summer class then I'll be DONE!!! That is until I decide to go back...we'll see how that goes later, I'm not quite sure what the game plan is for that. I just want to get past that milemarker!!!
For all of you keeping up with this blog I want to thank you for caring and for all the many prayers you say for us. I want to ask that you keep praying for our family because we need them!
On monday while I was in Greensboro with the bff, we went to our usual store; The Jewel Box...I LOVE that store!!! Anyway, while we were there I ordered a necklace and I can't wait till it comes in!!! It's a circle pendant that has Paisly's name handstamped on it, then another pendant that lays on top in the shape of a heart with baby feet on it. I'll post a pic as soon as I get it, they said it would be 3 weeks before they got it back! I can't wait!
School starts back on the 23rd...I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. It was nice this summer not worrying about writing papers and doing projects. I signed up for 4 classes thinking I would have Paisly to care for. I'm trying to find a 5th class so that I will only have to take 1 summer class then I'll be DONE!!! That is until I decide to go back...we'll see how that goes later, I'm not quite sure what the game plan is for that. I just want to get past that milemarker!!!
For all of you keeping up with this blog I want to thank you for caring and for all the many prayers you say for us. I want to ask that you keep praying for our family because we need them!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
balloons
On Paisly's due date, I was having one of my "bad days" I couldn't stop crying and thinking about what we should have. I was texting a really good friend, someone who's been there for me in so many ways. She gave me the great idea to write another letter to Paisly like I did on here, but on paper then tie it to a balloon and release it in the air to her. I called family and they all wanted to be a part of it. It was so special and it honestly helped so much. We all wrote letters to little Paisly. Andrew and I read each other's letters but everyone else kept theirs between them and Paisly. It was so special watching them fly off into the distance.
Andrew's mawmaw even said that once when Ricky was younger they did this in class, and wrote their addresses so that whoever found their letters could write back. Well Ricky's letter made it all the way to NEW YORK!!! Mom said that whoever found these letters better have a box of kleenex ready!!! I'm so glad we did it, I believe we are going to do it every year on her birthday, June 21st. That night after Andrew and I had done our devotions we were talking quite a bit, and I was telling him how I felt as far as the consistency thing...feeling at peace with God's plans one day and trusting them, then the next questioning and not having the faith I need to. Andrew put it like this to me. He said "Ryan there is no gray with God. It's black or white, either you believe in him completely which means you trust his plan or you don't". I tell you what- I married a smart smart man. He's completely right, I have to believe God all the time, I can't let myself sit and think myself out of believing that he knows what he is doing.
Thank you God for sending Andrew to me. You have blessed us in so many ways.
Andrew's mawmaw even said that once when Ricky was younger they did this in class, and wrote their addresses so that whoever found their letters could write back. Well Ricky's letter made it all the way to NEW YORK!!! Mom said that whoever found these letters better have a box of kleenex ready!!! I'm so glad we did it, I believe we are going to do it every year on her birthday, June 21st. That night after Andrew and I had done our devotions we were talking quite a bit, and I was telling him how I felt as far as the consistency thing...feeling at peace with God's plans one day and trusting them, then the next questioning and not having the faith I need to. Andrew put it like this to me. He said "Ryan there is no gray with God. It's black or white, either you believe in him completely which means you trust his plan or you don't". I tell you what- I married a smart smart man. He's completely right, I have to believe God all the time, I can't let myself sit and think myself out of believing that he knows what he is doing.
Thank you God for sending Andrew to me. You have blessed us in so many ways.
Monday, August 2, 2010
the due date
I've had quite a bit of time to sit in silence and think of what all has happened, and still I don't think it's quite set in. Being out for 6 weeks of maternity leave is a wonderful thing...when you have a little baby to share it with. Six weeks of silence however...not so wonderful.
Many times I feel guilty if I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I should be the sleep deprived woman who is cranky and doesn't have any time for herself. I hate it that I have so much time on my hands and that my clothes are actually clean. I want so badly to have tons of puke-stained shirts to complain about. Some days I feel like I've come to terms with what has happened and then other days I just don't want to believe it. Many, many nights I dream this dream that my doctor comes in holding Paisly and says "She's right here, she's ok now!". Then I wake up and realize that won't ever happen. I hate that I have no consistency. One day I'm ok and I can proudly say she's in heaven then the next I can't stop crying because I want her here. I try my hardest to tell myself that she's in heaven, and that thought makes me happy, but I also wanted so many things for her here. Andrew is so good to me, he keeps saying that she won't ever have to worry about getting hurt here or bad things happening to her and thats true and I'm so glad, but what about the good things? I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress, I wanted to see Andrew walk her down the isle...I really wanted to see how Andrew would react to her first boyfriend. I wanted to listen to her little giggles and put her hair in pigtails. Every little thing we do, I can't help but think of how we would do it if Paisly were with us. I know this sounds silly but I was looking forward to saying we had a party of 3 when we went out to eat. I went to sign a birthday card the other day and when I was pregnant with her I would sign all three of our names. I did it for so long I started to do it on that card...but then I stopped myself. She is still part of our family but do I sign her name on cards? I mean when someone older passes we no longer put their names on cards. I hate this...it's not like there's a booklet on telling you how to handle this type of situation. I know this post isn't quite as inpirational as the others, but today is just one of those days when I don't understand. Today is Paisly's due date. She would be here by now if everything had went as planned. But as Andrew said yesturday when I was upset... "It did go as planned...God's plan" It's so easy to say and accept God's plan when it goes your way, but with situations like this; when it doesn't go like you, or anyone wanted it to, it's very very hard to accept. Keep me in your prayers today because today is one of those days. The days that we question God, like we aren't supposed to, the days that we don't understand God's plan, and the days that we just can't accept the facts of whats happening. I hate putting a post like this up, but this is me today. I don't want people to think that I'm this purely holy woman who isn't human. This is me, and this is what I'm feeling. Just pray for me today.
Many times I feel guilty if I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I should be the sleep deprived woman who is cranky and doesn't have any time for herself. I hate it that I have so much time on my hands and that my clothes are actually clean. I want so badly to have tons of puke-stained shirts to complain about. Some days I feel like I've come to terms with what has happened and then other days I just don't want to believe it. Many, many nights I dream this dream that my doctor comes in holding Paisly and says "She's right here, she's ok now!". Then I wake up and realize that won't ever happen. I hate that I have no consistency. One day I'm ok and I can proudly say she's in heaven then the next I can't stop crying because I want her here. I try my hardest to tell myself that she's in heaven, and that thought makes me happy, but I also wanted so many things for her here. Andrew is so good to me, he keeps saying that she won't ever have to worry about getting hurt here or bad things happening to her and thats true and I'm so glad, but what about the good things? I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress, I wanted to see Andrew walk her down the isle...I really wanted to see how Andrew would react to her first boyfriend. I wanted to listen to her little giggles and put her hair in pigtails. Every little thing we do, I can't help but think of how we would do it if Paisly were with us. I know this sounds silly but I was looking forward to saying we had a party of 3 when we went out to eat. I went to sign a birthday card the other day and when I was pregnant with her I would sign all three of our names. I did it for so long I started to do it on that card...but then I stopped myself. She is still part of our family but do I sign her name on cards? I mean when someone older passes we no longer put their names on cards. I hate this...it's not like there's a booklet on telling you how to handle this type of situation. I know this post isn't quite as inpirational as the others, but today is just one of those days when I don't understand. Today is Paisly's due date. She would be here by now if everything had went as planned. But as Andrew said yesturday when I was upset... "It did go as planned...God's plan" It's so easy to say and accept God's plan when it goes your way, but with situations like this; when it doesn't go like you, or anyone wanted it to, it's very very hard to accept. Keep me in your prayers today because today is one of those days. The days that we question God, like we aren't supposed to, the days that we don't understand God's plan, and the days that we just can't accept the facts of whats happening. I hate putting a post like this up, but this is me today. I don't want people to think that I'm this purely holy woman who isn't human. This is me, and this is what I'm feeling. Just pray for me today.
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