Easter

It's been SO long! So, so sorry! I am busy as a bee with all my school work coming to an end. Yesterday was my last day of classes for this semester (woohoo). Now I have two papers left to write and three final exams. I'm so glad to be wrapping this all up! Graduation is May 6th :) I'm sure you can feel my excitement through the computer screen. 

I went to the mall today after work to try and look for an Easter dress. Our mall has a tiny selection of maternity dresses so needless to say I will be wearing the same Easter dress I wore last year because I really just don't feel like driving thirty plus minutes to search for one. I hate trying on clothes. Hate it. Anyways, today was one of those days that things just kind of hit me before I knew it. I was looking through Belk's for my dress and walked right by the baby section. Then it hit me. I should be buying not only myself a dress, but a dress for a perfect little ten month old. I was so excited when I was pregnant with Paisly about her first Easter. I even had a big purple basket that I found the other day when I was looking through the nursery closet. My parents always had gifts for us for Easter and made sure we knew the real reason for the holiday. I was looking forward to passing that on to Paisly. I know next year I will be able to share with Montgomery, and that was another thought I had. I always said that if I had two little girls close to the same age that I refused to dress them alike. Wrong. While I was thinking about the dress for Paisly, I thought that I would be dressing her and Montgomery alike next year. Matching bows and shoes and all. Even those horrible frilly white socks.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and remember that it isn't about Easter egg hunts or the bunny. It is about our Lord and Saviour who died for us then rose again. It is because of this that we can have eternal life. I am so thankful.

Showers of Blessings

I must say, I am one blessed woman.  I have been asked how I can say I am blessed after everything that happened with Paisly. How could I say that through Paisly God hasn't blessed my life? Carrying her for eight months was the best thing that ever happened to me. She changed my life beyond measure and although she is not here with me I am so glad that I had her, and I would not change one thing. You might ask if I would change the fact that she isn't here and I would have to say no. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have her here with me and listen to her laughs and first words, I would give anything for that; BUT God does everything for a reason. This happened for a reason and his reasons are better than my what ifs so I will leave it at that.

I had started this post to tell how people around me are such blessings but for some reason all of that came out :) Now on to my other blessings... Through this blog I have received emails after emails of people who want to talk or who have had the same things happen to them or something similar and it is so nice to be able to talk to them and share experiences. I also have women who are just blessing me all around and I wanted to return the favor by putting their name out there. One is the owner of Little Teapot Designs, I encourage you to look her up on facebook and look around, she specializes in graphic designs. If you are looking for birth announcements, birthday invitations etc... look her up!  She is being so kind as to give me a birth announcement for Paisly since I never got one, and let me tell you that means so much to me. Little things such as that just warm my heart! Another is HC Photography who is doing my maternity session for us and Montgomery, she takes wonderful photos! Look her up on facebook as well!!! Anyways, I just wanted to share about these to amazing women who are such blessings if you want to know more about them look them up or let me know and I'll get you in contact with them!

There shall be showers of blessing

This is the promise of love

There shall be seasons refreshing

Sent from the Savior above.

Moments

Today, I am really missing my little Paisly...I'm about to start getting ready for church and I can't help but think about how this morning would go if Paisly were here. I wonder what cute dress and bow would I be dressing her in, and if she would be babbling to me while I got her ready. I just really, really miss her today.

While we were at the beach, we did a lot of writing in the sand...we always do, I don't know why but I love to write in the sand! We wrote Paisly's name and we wrote Montgomery's name and our whole family's names...we wrote a lot.  We wrote Paisly's name and a little message to her in the sand, and just as soon as I finished writing it, the water came up higher than it had been and washed it away. It was one of those moments where God gives you peace. I just knew with my heart of hearts that Paisly got that message. It's one of those unexplainable moments that you could never explain if you had to, but you just know.

Thankfully Andrew was taking pictures like crazy, and you can see the water coming up to wash it away. I'm glad and thankful that my God gives me moments like those, it is those peaceful moments that get me through the day. 

Waves and Kicks

As I sit here listening to waves crash on the sand and see the endless ocean, I am reminded of God and how great He is. This is beautiful and only He could create something so serene. Also as I sit here, I feel little Butter Bean kick. This too reminds me of how blessed I am. My God is so good.

So I know you all want to know about the Dr's appointment Wednesday... Everything measured right on track. We talked to the Sonographer a little before hand about Paisly, so she measured the ventricles first, and we are so glad to say they are measuring great. She then went to see the sex of little Butter Bean...and that was difficult, Butter Bean did not want to show anything!!! We had to keep going back to it because Butter Bean would not open up to let us see...we thought we were going to have to wait to find out! Then finally there was a quick glimpse and we found that Butter Bean is a......GIRL!!!
Andrew gets to name her since I named Paisly Grace. He's named our little Butter Bean...
Montgomery Ashlyn.
I am so amazed at how God is already using little Montgomery to share her sister's story and the glory of God.  So many people ask about me being pregnant, then they ask if this is our first child, then the door is opened to tell Paisly's story and then to tell how God has blessed us once again with Montgomery. All I can say is God is good and I am so blessed.

Dear Cuppie Cake

My Little Cuppie Cake,

Sweet angel, I cannot tell you how much I miss you.  I still imagine every day what you would be like if you were here on this earth. I still go into the nursery and look at shoes and outfits and bows and imagine what I would be dressing you in for the day. I think about what types of food I would be feeding you, and if you would be a picky eater like your daddy. I wonder if by now you would be rolling and crawling all over the floors of this house and how many loads of laundry I would be doing because you are teething and drooling all over everything. I could sit and think all day about who you would be, what your personality would be like, who you looked like more. I try not to though. I try to think about how much joy you are experiencing because you are with our Lord and Saviour. I do think about what you are doing up there, who you are visiting with at the moment and who all you have seen since you've been there. If Mamaw Betty has told you about me as a baby, or if your daddy's Pawpaw tells you about how crazy your daddy can be.  As much as I am hurt that you are not here with me, I am comforted that you are with Jesus and safe in His arms.

We are going to find out next week whether you have a little brother or little sister to watch over. If it is a little brother...you are going to have your hands full because I'm sure he will be just like your daddy. Your daddy misses you so much. Any time he sees a pink rifle, or princess fishing rod, or cute little pink cowgirl boots he says "Paisly would have that".  We talk about you all the time, dreaming about what fun things you are doing, what great stories Jesus is telling you at the moment. I cannot wait sweet girl to see you again. I honestly can't explain how much you have changed my life. I am so thankful that God blessed me with you. Although you were not here with us for long, you changed us so much. I wouldn't trade you for anything. I feel your little brother or sister kicking, and it reminds me of when you were here, and then I am reminded of God's grace. He is so good to us, but I'm sure you know that because you see what he has done for us all. 

I want you to know how much you have changed not only my life, but so many lives around me. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with such a sweet, sweet daughter who has touched so many lives.

I love you, and I miss you beyond what words can describe. You are my cuppie cake, my sweet Paisly and I love you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Love you always,
Mommy

Two Weeks!

Two weeks!!! In two weeks we find out what we are having! Is Paisly getting a little brother or sister???
As much as I wish she were here, I at least know that she will be looking down and watching over her little brother or sister! I'll admit that with this baby I've tried not to get too excited. I am making plans to not make plans until we bring this child home with us. I find that contradictory though...I am sitting here writing this blog and professing my faith in Jesus Christ yet I'm not trusting that everything will be ok this time. I'm working on that.  I've noticed too that I'm not doing as much such as taking my weekly pictures like I did with Paisly and I don't want that. I want to give this child just as much attention as I did her while I was pregnant. It's hard because I want to be excited about this baby and I am but I'm holding back because of what happened with Paisly. The wound is still very fresh and I can't help but remember how we felt when we came home to an empty nursery, completely ready for her. I can't go through that again.  Just keep praying for the both of us on that subject.

We also need your prayers for a few other things as well.  Andrew is having his gallbladder out next week. It is a minor surgery but it still is a surgery.  We are also praying about some big decisions that need to be made soon and we can't do it without prayer first.

Butter Bean

I figured I should update on Butter Bean's status...I went to the Dr today and the heart rate was 143. That's where it's been staying for a while now, in the 140's. Andrew is thinking, based on the heart rate, that this is a boy. I don't know quite yet, with Paisly I knew when I was about 8 weeks for sure without a doubt that she was a girl. This little buttabean is confusing me!

On another note let me just say...


My belly is huge.


Seriously, huge. I feel like I'm in my last trimester. The doctor and others have told me that with your second child you will show quicker, but this is just ridiculous. One of my professors asked me if I was going to have the baby before his midterm exam...which is in three weeks. Ha. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I will say that I am having to trust my Lord every day with this child. I am nervous, and now that I'm starting to feel the baby it's gotten a little worse. If you've ever been pregnant you know that when you first start feeling the baby move it's not constant. I will maybe feel butter bean once or twice a day then wont feel him/her for a few days. It's nerve racking. I pray constantly and the good Lord continues to give me peace and for that I am so grateful.

I went today and gave Paisly her Valentine's Day flowers. I hate to say that I took them to her grave. I hate saying that word. Grave. To me that is a final resting place, and I know without a doubt that is NOT her final resting place. She is resting in the arms of Jesus as I type these words, which makes me so happy.  I like her flowers, they are roses, they're pink but not solid pink, they are light pink on the outside then get darker toward the inside, very pretty.  It's pretty hard to find flower arrangements to fit in her itty bitty vase. I love to take her flowers. I read in one of my books that when a mother has lost her child, taking flowers and decorations to them is the only way they feel they are still taking care of them. I find this to be so true. When I don't take her flowers right at the turn of the season or a holiday I feel horrible. It makes me anxious and it's all I can think about. I know that in march I'm going to get her gerber daisies.
When Andrew and I bring Butter Bean home we have planned on taking him/her to see his/her older sister first. The take home outfit will say 'big brother/sister'. I want to somehow make an arrangement for Paisly that has flowers but says BIG SISTER somehow. I don't know exactly how but I'll figure it out :)

On a side note...I just want to say that I apologize for typos/misspelled words. I am usually what they call a spiral writer which means I write a little then read, then write a little and re-read over and over until I'm finished. With writing this blog I'm not doing that because I would never publish anything for always wanting to tweek it; therefore there will be typos/misspelled words, bad grammar and such and I apologize but....it happens.
God Bless and have a great weekend!