Back Again

They are back again, an I am so thrilled. I was just so excited to see them, and even more excited to see Andrew's face when he saw them. It's been a while since we saw them last so to see them now is just so exciting. They make me know that my God is an awesome God, that we are so blessed. We are so happy to see them again, but we are nervous just the same but we know that God is watching over it all and he will take care of everything.....so are ya'll wondering who 'they' are yet?




well they






are.....







TWO PINK LINES!!!





We're pregnant again :)

Please keep us in your prayers as I'm still pretty early in the pregnancy. So far everything is going great. We heard the heartbeat and it was 131. Butter Bean is in the right position. With Paisly she didn't quite make it to the dead center of my uterus as you may have read from earlier posts. We called Paisly our tater tot before we knew what the sex was. Well this on is butter bean :) We are thrilled that God has answered our prayers and we can only give Him the credit. From the moment I found out (which was in a lowe's hardware bathroom by the way) I told God I know this child as well as Paisly is His and His alone. We are trusting Him and His plan.



Now Paisly is a big sister and will be staying busy looking over her little brother or sister (At the moment I'm feeling little brother).



There is Paisly's 1st Teddy Bear that her mawmaw and pawpaw made her while I was preggo in front of her Christmas tree. I also finished her stocking...here it is

I'll Be Home

I'll be home for Christmas,
so please don't be so sad.
This is the greatest Christmas
that I've ever had.

I'll be home for Christmas,
so please don't grieve too long.
In heaven here with Jesus,
is where we all belong.

The world is full of struggles,
no matter where you roam,
but please don't be discouraged;
the world is not our home.

I'll be home for Christmas,
and one day, so will you.
The angels all are waiting,
and I'll be waiting too.

Alda Maria



I got an ornament at a specialty store yesturday with this poem on it for Paisly's tree. It's so true. Her Christmas in heaven, I know is better than any present we could have given her in this world.

All Knowing

Psalm 139:1, 14, 16
LORD, thou has searched me, and know me.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

So true. God knows me, he knows my hurt, my heart. He knows that I constantly grieve over Paisly, that I miss her terribly and that I can't wait to see them both some day. He also knows the future, what is going to happen with Andrew and I , whether we are going to be able to adopt a precious child, or conceive one of our own. He knows it all. He knows the love I have for my husband and that I am forever thankful that he is mine and I am his. I love it, I love that I can trust in him and know that everything is going to work out as planned...not my plan but HIS. Such a wonderful feeling.

Sorry it's been a while...end of semester at school is crazy!!! Today alone I have 3 presentations, Monday is the last day of school then I have final exams/projects/papers due. I'll be so glad when this is all over. June 24th hurry up. Christmas is just around the corner and I love Christmas, love love love it. BUT this Christmas I just don't have the holiday spirit like usual. I love spending time with family and friends during the holidays but it's not as much fun knowing there is someone missing from the picture. I shouldn't say that, she's not missing, I know exactly where she is. She's just isn't here and I hate it. We are trying as much as we can to include her still. We've put her up a tree with cute green and pink ornaments. She has all kinds of ornaments, there are pink angel wings, little angels, ornaments from us, some from her grandparents and even one from Livi bug. She got her a green ball with a huge P on it, and it lights up...so adorable. She even has some ribbons with little cuppie cakes on them! Pics to come soon!

We were decorating the other night and I was ok up until the point where I hung the stockings. I have one for Andrew, me and a bone stocking for Mr Grunts and Lola, but there was one missing. I knew she is supposed to have a stocking and I lost it. This is where God has truly blessed me- Andrew sat me down and told me that he was going to go out and buy paisley print fabric, make her a stocking from it, paint cupcakes on the top of it, and have her picture put on the front of it. I am blessed with a wonderful husband. We are going to get an angel stocking holder to put it on and hang it right between ours. I'll try and post pics of it as soon as we are done making it.

Jeans and Genes

So today before classes I went to the mall in hopes to find something to wear for Thanksgiving and for pictures. I have the hardest time finding jeans because I have such an odd figure, my legs are so long its ridiculous...people say that's a good thing...but not when you are looking for jeans. I went to so many different stores and found jeans that fir perfect everywhere....except they were high-waders, which is ALWAYS the case. Guess that's the price I pay for being 5'9. Much to my amazment I went to one last store and they had THE PERFECT JEANS!!!!! I was so excited, I didn't even want to take them off to pay for them I did of course, but then I went straight to the bathroom to change into them :) I am just so excited that I actually found jeans to fit every area haha!
Speaking of "genes" I had to do my geneology for one of my classes and I have found out so much about my family that I never knew. Our family (matriarch side) only traces back 4 generations, because my great great great grandpa moved here straight from Scotland, and my great great great grandma moved straight from Ireland! Since taking this class, I've been so interested in tracing back family and finding out family secrets. I learned that my Grandma's brother died only 8 days after his 1st birthday, they don't know the exact reason but they believe it is from pneumonia. Her grandmother lost 2 children, one at age 4 and one at age 2. It's so odd to hear about this type of loss. I know that death is a taboo suject in our society, and to find this stuff out is so interesting to me. I hate to know that so many deaths like this occur, but at the same time I see that these women made it through losing their children and went on to have more children...13 more children to be exact... I don't believe I will be having that many!!!

Counting Blessings

I had an awful day at work...if anything could go wrong it did, I missed Paisly like crazy today, and sometimes I have those days where I just replay over and over and over all the things that could have been done so that she would still be alive today...it was just a bad bad day.
On the way home I was so ill and upset that I couldn't even pray, I just said God help me over and over. Then a song came on the radio. It said 'when you're down and you've got to count your blessings', so that's what I did.
God has blessed me with so much; my salvation, I know that when my time here on earth is over I will go to such a place that I can't even imagine the beauty of it and I will get to see my sweet Paisly again; the most wonderful husband I could ever ask for, he is my rock and I couldn't, and don't want to imagine my life without him; I couldn't ask for better family; a roof over my head, my bills get paid and I have food on my table...I could go on and on. Just saying those things out loud made me feel so much better. Sometimes it's so hard to focus on your blessings when it feels like everything around you is falling apart. I'm learning more and more each day that I have to lean on the Lord with all that I am and he will help me.
Something else that cheered me up a bit--Andrew fixed supper AND fixed my plate AND brought it to me....he's such a good hubby :)

Bittersweet

Tonight at church, I made a new friend. I'm in the children's play at church and there was a little girl there named Hayley. She is a complete doll! After I tied her shoe for her...she was my new friend :) She noticed my necklace and told me in her cute little squeeky voice that it was pretty. I explained what it was and she just smiled at me. It warmed my heart. She sat with Andrew and I after church started and she was drawing on a piece of paper most of the time. She was copying things she saw, and drawing little stick figures. She also had "little punkinsss" all over the paper!

Then she drew a big stick figure and a small one and said it was me and her. On my stick figure she drew my necklace and out to the side she wrote PAISLY. It was adorable...mainly because the S was backwards. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I thought at that moment that I will never get to see how Paisly writes her name; if she writes her S's backwards or her Y's with an extra stem. At the same moment my wonderful God gave me peace. He let me know that Paisly's name may not be written by her on a piece of paper here on earth, but it was definitly written by our Saviour in the Lamb's book of life. Forever. Her name will always be there, as well as mine.

Thank you Lord for blessing me.

Keeping it short and sweet tonight.
Have a good week

Ryan

cupcake

This week I've really had to lean on God. I don't know why but it's been a hard week. I think it all started with halloween and seeing all the babies in their costumes so cute and cuddly. We were going to dress Paisly up as a cupcake, I looked while I was pregnant for a costume (if you know me, you know I'm a super planner, and don't like being unprepared!). I couldn't find one, but I was going to make one myself, she was going to be topped with sprinkles and everything! I think I have been letting my mind wonder more, about the last few days I was pregnant and thinking about what I should have done or could have done to prevent things. I know deep down that it was God's plan to bring Paisly home soon all along and that no matter what I did, going to the hospital the day before or whatever wouldn't have stopped that plan; but that's the imperfect Christian coming out.

Our devotions this week have really helped too, they always do. Although they are a couple's devotion it has really brought many things into perspective that has to do with the loss of our Paisly Grace. This week is about encouragement and the questions at the end of the devotions we ask each other made me realize so many things. I love my husband and I know many of you know that but I want to publicly say that my husband is the most loving, caring, sincere, encouraging and supportive man I've ever known. Not meaning to sound sappy but he is. I know that if it weren't for his encouragement during the past few months, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner of my room. We've been talking a lot this week about what God wants us to do for him. We think so much about what we should do that benefits us but we want to do something that is selfless and 100% for God. We have a few ideas, it's just getting to them is the challenge but we will do whatever God leads us to do. It's so different how much my mind has opened after all that has happened. Before I was a Christian but I though going through the motions was enough. I feel so much like God has opened my eyes to who I need to be. I've found if I just listen and quit thinking about what I want, God will lead us to do whatever it is in his plan for us. We just have to follow.

Ok, so I FINALLY am putting up the picture with me and Angie :)



aside from my puffy red eyes and nose, it wasn't a bad picture, I should have thought to ask Todd to be in the pic tho ;)
Have a good week and keep praying for us


love, Ryan