Walk to Remember

Yesterday was such a great way to remember Paisly Grace. I admire the people who have the strength after such loss to put together things such as Heartstrings and the Walk to Remember.

We got to the event a little early. We went to check in and the woman helping us looked so familiar while I was in line. When we got up to her, she looked at me a little teary eyed. She told me who she was, and my heart melted. She was the wonderful woman who took Paisly's pictures for us in the hospital. We talked for a minute and I thanked her for taking Paisly's pictures. Her pictures mean so much to me, I can't explain. There were different booths there with various things. We got free water bottles, a woman had made wooden angel ornaments and was writing the names of the children on them, we got one for Paisly. They had a quilt that you could write your child's name and a little message on. They gave us a scrapbooking kit to put together. When the memorial started the lady who founded heartstrings got up to talk and tell her story. She had twin boys who past away when they were infants. She talked about how much they changed her. She said so many things that touched me personally; but the thing she said that has been on my mind since is that all of us who have had child loss can either be swallowed by our grief and sorrow or we can take our child's death and making something good come out of it. She certainly has. Seeing all those people there yesterday and how much that event meant to them, and how it tremendously helped me, makes me want to do the same. I don't know how or what God wants me to do just yet but I know he is wanting me to do something, so I am. Pray for me as I listen to God's will for what he wants me to do. This morning's service was about listening to God's will. The visiting preacher said we need to quit saying "I" and start listening to God and what he wants not what we want. I know he wants me to do something, I just don't know what yet. I love it when God puts something he wants right in front of you, and that's what he has done the past 2 days with the even and this mornings message.

After the speeches we went to the memorial tree. All the babies names were read out and when they were the parents put their butterflies on the tree. By the end there weren't any spots left on that tree to put anything. There were many parents that had more than one butterfly. One woman had to put 6 butterflies on that tree. I prayed for that woman as she was putting them there. I pray for all those families that were there. As much as I hated that we all had to be there I am so thankful that the walk was there for us, to help us grieve. After the tree memorial we started our 1.5 mile walk. They had each child's name on signs throughout the walk. It was such a pretty day for it too. It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just right.





Thank You God for all you have done for me and for all the people you have put in my path to help me grieve for Paisly Grace. You are so good to me.

Finally...

So I still can't upload at my house, but my wonderful mother-in-law let's me upload them on hers :) Thanks Lori :)


Paisly's Headstone


Boone Trip


I don't have the picture with Angie and I, I will have to put that up later :(

But here's a funny one...Mr Grunts hates the lawnmower, unless he's riding on it

A Great Weekend

This weekend has been wonderful :)

Last night we went to hear Angie Smith speak. One word... Amazed. She has such genuine faith. You can just tell that she is a honest, genuine Christian woman. I admire her faith so much with the loss of her daughter. "Scouting for Hope" was the name of the service last night and it was a good one. The Lord was there with all of us mother's who share a horrible bond. As much as I loved being able to go to something like that where everyone there knew exactly how I felt, it was terrible just the same. I still can't believe how much miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss happens. It's so unheard of, and I can understand why. I can't just go blurting out that I have a daughter in heaven without getting strange looks. Although the sadness may be written on my face, the whole story isn't. A friend of the lady who put together the even shared her story before Angie got up to speak. While she was sharing it with us, there was not one dry eye in the house. This woman lost...I can't even remember how many babies. I want to say 6. She had an auto immune deficiency and every time she got pregnant her body just rejected the pregnancy. She got pretty far along with some of those babies. She finally had 2 children, but they were a huge struggle to have, both were supposed to have mental and physical delays according to the doctors. The last baby, the doctors encouraged her heavily to abort the baby, much like my Doctors did. She refused, and had her 2nd little girl. Both who were there last night, and both were healthy. I love the ending of her story. We trust doctors so much, sometimes too much. We need to put that trust in God.

When Angie spoke she told her story. I've read her book, her blog and interviews she has done, but hearing it straight from her mouth was just more moving. She, once again, made me feel better about how I feel. She quoted from a book she had read about mourning and dancing. She said that she isn't quite to the dancing part yet. It made me feel better. As much as I am trusting God and know He has a plan for us, I am not dancing yet. It's been 2 1/2 years since her Audrey passed and she still isn't dancing, she said she's bought her tap shoes but that's it. It's been 4 months since Paisly passed, and I haven't even bought my dancing shoes. All in all it was a good service. We got to hear her speak, we got to hear Todd from Selah sing :) :) :) and we had a candle lighting/dedication for the babies in heaven. Afterward I got to meet Angie and we talked for about 10 minutes! I showed her Paisly's album and shared her story. I even got a picture with her :) and will post it along with the bazillion others I've been promising to put up as soon as I can find that cord!

Today we got a lot done around the house like I wanted. I even planted some mums! They are so pretty! It was so pretty outside today! I love weather like this! Fall is my favorite! I'm sure the rest of the weekend will be just as nice :)


Ryan

Before the Morning

This song has helped me through my bad days...






Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

A Prayer Request

Ugh...still can't find that cord!!! I want to put up some pictures and I can't- so frustrating!!! So today at work....Andrew sent me yellow roses. I love my husband so much. We are doing devotions every night, and this weeks theme is about romance. We talked last night about each other's ideas of romance and so on...well needless to say my hunny just showed me up!!! Any ideas on how to romanticize him back? (keep it clean ladies ;) )

I can't wait for October 1st! I get to hear Angie Smith speak, I'm so excited! I need it. I will say that what people say it true; time heals your wounds. I won't say that I'm completely healed, I don't think that will ever be the case but my bad days are becoming a little more spaced out than they were before. I still have the occassional person who I run into from classes last semester who ask how my baby is and I have to tell them. I hate the reactions. Not because of them, they don't know but that's just it. Every single time, whoever it is it never fails, they keep apologizing saying they didn't mean to bring it up...Umm you didn't know! and however hard I try the awqwardness...just lingers!!!!!!! ugh that awqwardness!!! I will conquer it one day!

Ok. I wasn't going to announce this, but I know the power of prayer and I need ya'll to pray pray pray for us. When I went for my post partum checkup my Dr advised us to wait a year to conceive again, more for emotional reasons than physical. Andrew and I have discussed it A LOT and we both feel that we are ready to start trying again. I know it seems soon, but...it took three years to get pregnant with Paisly, so we want to start now. Please keep us in your prayers as when you are trying to get pregnant it can be extremely draining. I know this sounds kind of odd, but during Paisly's labor and delivery and afterward I could honestly feel all the prayers, I just knew that our names were being lifted to our Lord and I ask you to do the same now. Thanks guys :)

Love
Ryan

Pictures and Lost Cords

O My, I feel like such a slacker! I kinda knew this would happen when I got into school and doing homework and working and everything. I don't want it to...so I'm going to buck up and get it done :) I wanted to get a picture up of Paisly's headstone, but I can't find my cord...that's just like me, to lose something that I use so often! I want to put up some pics of Andrew and I in Boone last weekend. It was so nice up there, and to get away for a while was just what we needed. The weather was so beautiful and the scenery was breath taking. It was nice to look at what God has made. All the beauty that he created just amazes me. I'll tell you one thing He is one smart cookie. I can just imagine his thoughts while he's creating all the beauty of this world. Sitting like a painter in front of His canvas....Amazing.

Andrew and I have been reading a devotion every night by the Dobson family. Pastor Dickerson gave it to us when he came over. I love it. Every week has a different theme, and this weeks them is to trust God. It has been just what I needed to hear. I do trust God and I trust that he has a plan for us, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. It still hurts beyond words that Paisly isn't here but I find so much comfort knowing that God has a plan. One that we don't know quite yet, but someday he will show us the whole picture

Also, one last thing- We are going on a memory walk for Paisly Grace on October 9th. It kind of reminds me a little bit of Relay for Life. You have teams for your loved one. If anyone is interested in going with us let me know, you have to be registered by september 21st!!!! Email me or message me of facebook, or call...just let me know soon :)

Final...

The monument people called to say that they were putting Paisly's headstone in. They wanted to know if we wanted to be there when they put it in. I told him no that we would come later on this afternoon... I don't think I would be able to stand there while they finalize the fact that my daughter's tiny body is in the ground. I know its just the resting place for her flesh and that she isn't really in that small box but it still hurts to know that she's there and not in my arms.
I have mixed feelings about it all, I'm glad that she is getting her headstone. I hate going to see her and all that is there is the little plastic marker that the funeral home placed there, I want something better for my daughter letting people know she's there. She is so much better than a flimsy piece of plastic. On the other hand it makes everything final. There's nothing left to wait for. It all is a waiting game. We waited to get pregnant, we waited to see if she was a boy or girl, we waited on test results, we waited to see why she wasn't moving, we waited 15 hours to meet her, we waited on the funeral home to get her tiny body ready, and we waited for her headstone to be placed in the ground over her tiny casket. Now it's all done. No more waiting. But now that I think about it, I will still wait, I will wait to see her again in heaven. To me that is worth the wait, it all was. When I was in labor with her, I dreaded that when she came she would already be gone, yet I was glad that I would be able to finally hold her in my arms. I'll be so thrilled to be reunited with my little girl, to talk about so many things with her, ask her what all she's been doing this whole time in heaven, who she's met up there and so much more.

I'll try to post a picture of her stone a little later on here...