A day of sorrow and joy intertwined

On Saturday June 20th, I went to work like any other day. She wasnt' moving quite as much as usual. Usually on the way to work she is so active...it's like she was screaming the same thing I was thinking "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK". We went anyway, and that day I talked our wonderful nurses into giving me half a day :) I was so excited that night Andrew was going to take me to IHOP for chocolate chip pancakes because the 19th was my birthday, and I had been craving chocolate chip pancakes for quite a while now. We ate then went to mom's for a few minutes just to visit. By this point Paisly was barely moving at all, her movements were few and far between. I honestly was a little worried, but since the Dr said I would go into labor early due to the extra fluid I thought she was getting ready for birth; I'd been having contractions for a couple of weeks and they were getting more common. We went to bed that night, and I told Andrew that if she didn't liven up by morning I would call the on-call nurse. Morning came and she hadn't moved at all as far as kicks and punches, but certain areas of my belly would harden then soften so I thought that was her moving. We went on to church and while I was singing in the choir I had three contractions in a row and she still hadnt kicked. She would move like crazy during all the singing usually. After church was out I called the nurse and told her everything that was going on. She said to go straight to the hospital.

I remember asking Andrew if we needed to go ahead and put the car seat in the car just in case, but he said no that if she came that day he would get someone to come get it before we brought her home. I was so ready for her to come home. Aside from us hanging her name over her crib we were completely ready. I had washed all the bazillion clothes she as in the smell-good dreft. I washed all her Dr. Browns bottles and all her pacifiers. I organized her closet and had all her blankets folded neatly. I was so ready to meet my little girl. I was so obsessed with knowing if she had mine or Andrew's nose, and if her little toes would be long like Andrew's or short and stubby like mine.

We got to the hospital and while we were signing in the secretary was picking on Andrew saying that his little girl would have him wrapped around her little finger the first time she looked at him. After only seconds of waiting the nurse called us back. She put the doppler on my belly but couldn't seem to get the heartbeat, she then took us to another room and hooked me up to the monitor, she couldn't find a hearbeat then either. I couldn't help but cry, I thought what is wrong with this woman, why can't she find Paisly's heartbeat. She called another nurse in who couldn't find it either. They decided to do an u/s to make absolute sure. She put the wand on my belly and there Paisly was...as still as I'd ever seen her. Then she put the wand over her heart which was usually pounding...but it was still. She was gone. My little girl was gone. I didn't want to believe it I thought they made a mistake and that I could come back later and it would be ok.

After making a few calls to family members the Dr came it to tell us what we were going to do. She said they would induce labor. I refused. My friend and I talked about "pushing presents", she said she wanted earrings for hers, and I said that Paisly was my pushing present because nothing in this world would be a better gift to me than she was. I wanted a C-section, I refused to be in pain with no gain at the end. The dr told me I couldn't have a c-section because then all my later pregnancies would most likely be through c-section and that it gave a possibility of infection. I gave in and they took me to a labor and delivery room upstairs.

I had visitors coming and going and family who stayed with us. Andrew was by my side the entire time...other than when he went to eat. For those of you that know Andrew knows that he has got to be eating constantly. I actually had a pretty easy labor I would say. I was in labor a total of 15 hours, they were painless and for that I thank God. Morning came and I felt the need to push. I pushed only three times and Paisly Grace was born. She came at 7:26 in the morning. She weighed 4lbs 9oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and I said of course.

My precious baby was honest to goodness the most beautiful thing I had ever set my eyes on. She had rose colored lips and pinch-worthy cheeks. The first things I looked at were her nose...she has her uncle Adam's nose, it fits her perfectly. Then I looked at her toes, she had Andrew's toes; long long toes. She did though, on her left foot have just a tad of webbing :) My toes are webbed and I prayed that she wouldn't have that; but I am so glad she did she was a piece of me. I held her and showed her around, she was my pride and joy... IS my pride and joy. It was so surreal, it was a sad day because she was born sleeping yet it was a happy day because I got to meet my sweet Paisly Grace face to face.

Tears flowed and she was passed around as if she were alive. Everyone wanted to hold her and see who she looked like...by the way she looked exactly like Andrew. That day was the best and worst day of my life. It was horrible because I never got to hear my baby cry, or see what color her pretty eyes were. I didn't get to feel her fingertips grasping for mine or see her cute feet kicking relentlessly. I did however get to hold my angel in my arms. I told her how beautiful she was, I rocked her and told her how much I loved her.

My God is an awesome God. During that time I didn't know what to think. I didn't understand how God could take my child from my arms. Last night after I wrote the earlier posts I came across this scripture and it speaks volumes to me.

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2Corinthians 4:18

I try not to focus on the fact that my daugher is not screaming and crying in her crib, but that she is laughing and playing with Jesus in the most beautiful and safe place she could ever be; heaven. God's plan for Paisly was short here on earth but is everlasting in his arms. Sometimes we aren't shown what God's plans or reasons are but that is where faith steps in. We must have faith that our Lord knows what is best for us and believe in his master plan.

wow that could have been a novel...