Jeans and Genes

So today before classes I went to the mall in hopes to find something to wear for Thanksgiving and for pictures. I have the hardest time finding jeans because I have such an odd figure, my legs are so long its ridiculous...people say that's a good thing...but not when you are looking for jeans. I went to so many different stores and found jeans that fir perfect everywhere....except they were high-waders, which is ALWAYS the case. Guess that's the price I pay for being 5'9. Much to my amazment I went to one last store and they had THE PERFECT JEANS!!!!! I was so excited, I didn't even want to take them off to pay for them I did of course, but then I went straight to the bathroom to change into them :) I am just so excited that I actually found jeans to fit every area haha!
Speaking of "genes" I had to do my geneology for one of my classes and I have found out so much about my family that I never knew. Our family (matriarch side) only traces back 4 generations, because my great great great grandpa moved here straight from Scotland, and my great great great grandma moved straight from Ireland! Since taking this class, I've been so interested in tracing back family and finding out family secrets. I learned that my Grandma's brother died only 8 days after his 1st birthday, they don't know the exact reason but they believe it is from pneumonia. Her grandmother lost 2 children, one at age 4 and one at age 2. It's so odd to hear about this type of loss. I know that death is a taboo suject in our society, and to find this stuff out is so interesting to me. I hate to know that so many deaths like this occur, but at the same time I see that these women made it through losing their children and went on to have more children...13 more children to be exact... I don't believe I will be having that many!!!

Counting Blessings

I had an awful day at work...if anything could go wrong it did, I missed Paisly like crazy today, and sometimes I have those days where I just replay over and over and over all the things that could have been done so that she would still be alive today...it was just a bad bad day.
On the way home I was so ill and upset that I couldn't even pray, I just said God help me over and over. Then a song came on the radio. It said 'when you're down and you've got to count your blessings', so that's what I did.
God has blessed me with so much; my salvation, I know that when my time here on earth is over I will go to such a place that I can't even imagine the beauty of it and I will get to see my sweet Paisly again; the most wonderful husband I could ever ask for, he is my rock and I couldn't, and don't want to imagine my life without him; I couldn't ask for better family; a roof over my head, my bills get paid and I have food on my table...I could go on and on. Just saying those things out loud made me feel so much better. Sometimes it's so hard to focus on your blessings when it feels like everything around you is falling apart. I'm learning more and more each day that I have to lean on the Lord with all that I am and he will help me.
Something else that cheered me up a bit--Andrew fixed supper AND fixed my plate AND brought it to me....he's such a good hubby :)

Bittersweet

Tonight at church, I made a new friend. I'm in the children's play at church and there was a little girl there named Hayley. She is a complete doll! After I tied her shoe for her...she was my new friend :) She noticed my necklace and told me in her cute little squeeky voice that it was pretty. I explained what it was and she just smiled at me. It warmed my heart. She sat with Andrew and I after church started and she was drawing on a piece of paper most of the time. She was copying things she saw, and drawing little stick figures. She also had "little punkinsss" all over the paper!

Then she drew a big stick figure and a small one and said it was me and her. On my stick figure she drew my necklace and out to the side she wrote PAISLY. It was adorable...mainly because the S was backwards. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I thought at that moment that I will never get to see how Paisly writes her name; if she writes her S's backwards or her Y's with an extra stem. At the same moment my wonderful God gave me peace. He let me know that Paisly's name may not be written by her on a piece of paper here on earth, but it was definitly written by our Saviour in the Lamb's book of life. Forever. Her name will always be there, as well as mine.

Thank you Lord for blessing me.

Keeping it short and sweet tonight.
Have a good week

Ryan

cupcake

This week I've really had to lean on God. I don't know why but it's been a hard week. I think it all started with halloween and seeing all the babies in their costumes so cute and cuddly. We were going to dress Paisly up as a cupcake, I looked while I was pregnant for a costume (if you know me, you know I'm a super planner, and don't like being unprepared!). I couldn't find one, but I was going to make one myself, she was going to be topped with sprinkles and everything! I think I have been letting my mind wonder more, about the last few days I was pregnant and thinking about what I should have done or could have done to prevent things. I know deep down that it was God's plan to bring Paisly home soon all along and that no matter what I did, going to the hospital the day before or whatever wouldn't have stopped that plan; but that's the imperfect Christian coming out.

Our devotions this week have really helped too, they always do. Although they are a couple's devotion it has really brought many things into perspective that has to do with the loss of our Paisly Grace. This week is about encouragement and the questions at the end of the devotions we ask each other made me realize so many things. I love my husband and I know many of you know that but I want to publicly say that my husband is the most loving, caring, sincere, encouraging and supportive man I've ever known. Not meaning to sound sappy but he is. I know that if it weren't for his encouragement during the past few months, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner of my room. We've been talking a lot this week about what God wants us to do for him. We think so much about what we should do that benefits us but we want to do something that is selfless and 100% for God. We have a few ideas, it's just getting to them is the challenge but we will do whatever God leads us to do. It's so different how much my mind has opened after all that has happened. Before I was a Christian but I though going through the motions was enough. I feel so much like God has opened my eyes to who I need to be. I've found if I just listen and quit thinking about what I want, God will lead us to do whatever it is in his plan for us. We just have to follow.

Ok, so I FINALLY am putting up the picture with me and Angie :)



aside from my puffy red eyes and nose, it wasn't a bad picture, I should have thought to ask Todd to be in the pic tho ;)
Have a good week and keep praying for us


love, Ryan

Projects and Papers and Tests, OH MY!!!

Oh my word....I have been so swamped with synthesis papers and projects and presentations and exams, and I'm only half way through the semester! Lord help me get through this!!! On a good note...I GRADUATE IN JUNE YIPEEEEEE :) I'll be so glad to get that behind me...haha then I'll be right back in for grad school...at least I see the light now- it may be dim and distant but I see it!

Andrew and I have been having some major discussions the past few weeks about something that is pretty important to us, something we had planned to do at some point in our lives but we thought it would happen later in life...like way later. I've learned though, that when God lays something on your heart; tells you to do something, you don't ask questions or doubt it. You just do it. So we are. We are planning to adopt. We've contacted DSS and got in touch with a Social Worker and I've been talking to a great friend who has already been through the process(such a blessing). We called and we have to take a class before we can do anything and the next class isn't until the end of February. It's definitely going to be a long process and with school and work we don't know exactly how everything is going to work out, but when God draws you a road map you don't question the destination. I read someone's status today on facebook it said "God doesn't call the equipped - He equips those He calls". This is so true, and we are going to trust God and leave it all up to him. I don't know how everything is going to work out but my God does and I trust that He will show us the way. We are so excited about it. I've always wanted to adopt, I just can't wait to get everything going! We really can't do too much until the class so I'm just going to have to be patient. Many have asked about biological kids. We still want to have our own children and if perhaps we get pregnant before we can get into the actual process, we are still going to go through with it.

We got to babysit Olivia today :) it was so much fun! She is a pleasant little booger! J brought her over real early because they both had to work. She went right back to sleep, when we woke back up, while I was getting ready Andrew was playing with her on the bed. Andrew was so cute, he was talking and playing with her, and she was talking up a storm to him. It made me miss Paisly like crazy, knowing we would have gotten to do that with her every day if she were still here, but I know she is happy and safe in heaven. None the less I love spending time with livi bug, and I hope we get to do it again soon!

Keep praying for us, that we continue to follow God's path for us, and that he will give us patience in the long road ahead!

Girls Night Out

Last night was a much needed girls night out!!! Stacie, my long time bff...and by long time I mean since we were five years old, introduced me to her co-worker Lisa. Lisa and I had an instant connection. Her son Hudson passed away at three days old. She and her husband were at the walk to remember on saturday as well. We all three went out to PF Changs to eat and then did some shopping for Stacie a dress for her friend's wedding rehearsal. PF Changs was nothing short of amazing! They have these things called lettuce wraps. Ok, I'm not usually a lettuce eater but they were soooo good- I'm hooked! While we were eating I got to know Lisa a little better and hear the whole story of her precious son Hudson. It was a sad story but Lisa is such a strong person. She also is preggo! She finds out thursday what she is having so say a prayer for her that the ultrasound and everything goes well! It gives me hope to see her so happy and pregnant. We shared our fears for our future children and our ups and downs after Hudson's and Paisly's passing. It was nice to see that she was pregnant and is going to have another precious child. Gives me hope for my future. Say a prayer tonight for her little family, and continue to pray for Andrew and I.

Love,
Ryan

Walk to Remember

Yesterday was such a great way to remember Paisly Grace. I admire the people who have the strength after such loss to put together things such as Heartstrings and the Walk to Remember.

We got to the event a little early. We went to check in and the woman helping us looked so familiar while I was in line. When we got up to her, she looked at me a little teary eyed. She told me who she was, and my heart melted. She was the wonderful woman who took Paisly's pictures for us in the hospital. We talked for a minute and I thanked her for taking Paisly's pictures. Her pictures mean so much to me, I can't explain. There were different booths there with various things. We got free water bottles, a woman had made wooden angel ornaments and was writing the names of the children on them, we got one for Paisly. They had a quilt that you could write your child's name and a little message on. They gave us a scrapbooking kit to put together. When the memorial started the lady who founded heartstrings got up to talk and tell her story. She had twin boys who past away when they were infants. She talked about how much they changed her. She said so many things that touched me personally; but the thing she said that has been on my mind since is that all of us who have had child loss can either be swallowed by our grief and sorrow or we can take our child's death and making something good come out of it. She certainly has. Seeing all those people there yesterday and how much that event meant to them, and how it tremendously helped me, makes me want to do the same. I don't know how or what God wants me to do just yet but I know he is wanting me to do something, so I am. Pray for me as I listen to God's will for what he wants me to do. This morning's service was about listening to God's will. The visiting preacher said we need to quit saying "I" and start listening to God and what he wants not what we want. I know he wants me to do something, I just don't know what yet. I love it when God puts something he wants right in front of you, and that's what he has done the past 2 days with the even and this mornings message.

After the speeches we went to the memorial tree. All the babies names were read out and when they were the parents put their butterflies on the tree. By the end there weren't any spots left on that tree to put anything. There were many parents that had more than one butterfly. One woman had to put 6 butterflies on that tree. I prayed for that woman as she was putting them there. I pray for all those families that were there. As much as I hated that we all had to be there I am so thankful that the walk was there for us, to help us grieve. After the tree memorial we started our 1.5 mile walk. They had each child's name on signs throughout the walk. It was such a pretty day for it too. It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just right.





Thank You God for all you have done for me and for all the people you have put in my path to help me grieve for Paisly Grace. You are so good to me.