Tonight at church, I made a new friend. I'm in the children's play at church and there was a little girl there named Hayley. She is a complete doll! After I tied her shoe for her...she was my new friend :) She noticed my necklace and told me in her cute little squeeky voice that it was pretty. I explained what it was and she just smiled at me. It warmed my heart. She sat with Andrew and I after church started and she was drawing on a piece of paper most of the time. She was copying things she saw, and drawing little stick figures. She also had "little punkinsss" all over the paper!
Then she drew a big stick figure and a small one and said it was me and her. On my stick figure she drew my necklace and out to the side she wrote PAISLY. It was adorable...mainly because the S was backwards. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I thought at that moment that I will never get to see how Paisly writes her name; if she writes her S's backwards or her Y's with an extra stem. At the same moment my wonderful God gave me peace. He let me know that Paisly's name may not be written by her on a piece of paper here on earth, but it was definitly written by our Saviour in the Lamb's book of life. Forever. Her name will always be there, as well as mine.
Thank you Lord for blessing me.
Keeping it short and sweet tonight.
Have a good week
Ryan
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
cupcake
This week I've really had to lean on God. I don't know why but it's been a hard week. I think it all started with halloween and seeing all the babies in their costumes so cute and cuddly. We were going to dress Paisly up as a cupcake, I looked while I was pregnant for a costume (if you know me, you know I'm a super planner, and don't like being unprepared!). I couldn't find one, but I was going to make one myself, she was going to be topped with sprinkles and everything! I think I have been letting my mind wonder more, about the last few days I was pregnant and thinking about what I should have done or could have done to prevent things. I know deep down that it was God's plan to bring Paisly home soon all along and that no matter what I did, going to the hospital the day before or whatever wouldn't have stopped that plan; but that's the imperfect Christian coming out.
Our devotions this week have really helped too, they always do. Although they are a couple's devotion it has really brought many things into perspective that has to do with the loss of our Paisly Grace. This week is about encouragement and the questions at the end of the devotions we ask each other made me realize so many things. I love my husband and I know many of you know that but I want to publicly say that my husband is the most loving, caring, sincere, encouraging and supportive man I've ever known. Not meaning to sound sappy but he is. I know that if it weren't for his encouragement during the past few months, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner of my room. We've been talking a lot this week about what God wants us to do for him. We think so much about what we should do that benefits us but we want to do something that is selfless and 100% for God. We have a few ideas, it's just getting to them is the challenge but we will do whatever God leads us to do. It's so different how much my mind has opened after all that has happened. Before I was a Christian but I though going through the motions was enough. I feel so much like God has opened my eyes to who I need to be. I've found if I just listen and quit thinking about what I want, God will lead us to do whatever it is in his plan for us. We just have to follow.
Ok, so I FINALLY am putting up the picture with me and Angie :)
aside from my puffy red eyes and nose, it wasn't a bad picture, I should have thought to ask Todd to be in the pic tho ;)
Have a good week and keep praying for us
love, Ryan
Our devotions this week have really helped too, they always do. Although they are a couple's devotion it has really brought many things into perspective that has to do with the loss of our Paisly Grace. This week is about encouragement and the questions at the end of the devotions we ask each other made me realize so many things. I love my husband and I know many of you know that but I want to publicly say that my husband is the most loving, caring, sincere, encouraging and supportive man I've ever known. Not meaning to sound sappy but he is. I know that if it weren't for his encouragement during the past few months, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner of my room. We've been talking a lot this week about what God wants us to do for him. We think so much about what we should do that benefits us but we want to do something that is selfless and 100% for God. We have a few ideas, it's just getting to them is the challenge but we will do whatever God leads us to do. It's so different how much my mind has opened after all that has happened. Before I was a Christian but I though going through the motions was enough. I feel so much like God has opened my eyes to who I need to be. I've found if I just listen and quit thinking about what I want, God will lead us to do whatever it is in his plan for us. We just have to follow.
Ok, so I FINALLY am putting up the picture with me and Angie :)
aside from my puffy red eyes and nose, it wasn't a bad picture, I should have thought to ask Todd to be in the pic tho ;)
Have a good week and keep praying for us
love, Ryan
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Projects and Papers and Tests, OH MY!!!
Oh my word....I have been so swamped with synthesis papers and projects and presentations and exams, and I'm only half way through the semester! Lord help me get through this!!! On a good note...I GRADUATE IN JUNE YIPEEEEEE :) I'll be so glad to get that behind me...haha then I'll be right back in for grad school...at least I see the light now- it may be dim and distant but I see it!
Andrew and I have been having some major discussions the past few weeks about something that is pretty important to us, something we had planned to do at some point in our lives but we thought it would happen later in life...like way later. I've learned though, that when God lays something on your heart; tells you to do something, you don't ask questions or doubt it. You just do it. So we are. We are planning to adopt. We've contacted DSS and got in touch with a Social Worker and I've been talking to a great friend who has already been through the process(such a blessing). We called and we have to take a class before we can do anything and the next class isn't until the end of February. It's definitely going to be a long process and with school and work we don't know exactly how everything is going to work out, but when God draws you a road map you don't question the destination. I read someone's status today on facebook it said "God doesn't call the equipped - He equips those He calls". This is so true, and we are going to trust God and leave it all up to him. I don't know how everything is going to work out but my God does and I trust that He will show us the way. We are so excited about it. I've always wanted to adopt, I just can't wait to get everything going! We really can't do too much until the class so I'm just going to have to be patient. Many have asked about biological kids. We still want to have our own children and if perhaps we get pregnant before we can get into the actual process, we are still going to go through with it.
We got to babysit Olivia today :) it was so much fun! She is a pleasant little booger! J brought her over real early because they both had to work. She went right back to sleep, when we woke back up, while I was getting ready Andrew was playing with her on the bed. Andrew was so cute, he was talking and playing with her, and she was talking up a storm to him. It made me miss Paisly like crazy, knowing we would have gotten to do that with her every day if she were still here, but I know she is happy and safe in heaven. None the less I love spending time with livi bug, and I hope we get to do it again soon!
Keep praying for us, that we continue to follow God's path for us, and that he will give us patience in the long road ahead!
Andrew and I have been having some major discussions the past few weeks about something that is pretty important to us, something we had planned to do at some point in our lives but we thought it would happen later in life...like way later. I've learned though, that when God lays something on your heart; tells you to do something, you don't ask questions or doubt it. You just do it. So we are. We are planning to adopt. We've contacted DSS and got in touch with a Social Worker and I've been talking to a great friend who has already been through the process(such a blessing). We called and we have to take a class before we can do anything and the next class isn't until the end of February. It's definitely going to be a long process and with school and work we don't know exactly how everything is going to work out, but when God draws you a road map you don't question the destination. I read someone's status today on facebook it said "God doesn't call the equipped - He equips those He calls". This is so true, and we are going to trust God and leave it all up to him. I don't know how everything is going to work out but my God does and I trust that He will show us the way. We are so excited about it. I've always wanted to adopt, I just can't wait to get everything going! We really can't do too much until the class so I'm just going to have to be patient. Many have asked about biological kids. We still want to have our own children and if perhaps we get pregnant before we can get into the actual process, we are still going to go through with it.
We got to babysit Olivia today :) it was so much fun! She is a pleasant little booger! J brought her over real early because they both had to work. She went right back to sleep, when we woke back up, while I was getting ready Andrew was playing with her on the bed. Andrew was so cute, he was talking and playing with her, and she was talking up a storm to him. It made me miss Paisly like crazy, knowing we would have gotten to do that with her every day if she were still here, but I know she is happy and safe in heaven. None the less I love spending time with livi bug, and I hope we get to do it again soon!
Keep praying for us, that we continue to follow God's path for us, and that he will give us patience in the long road ahead!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Girls Night Out
Last night was a much needed girls night out!!! Stacie, my long time bff...and by long time I mean since we were five years old, introduced me to her co-worker Lisa. Lisa and I had an instant connection. Her son Hudson passed away at three days old. She and her husband were at the walk to remember on saturday as well. We all three went out to PF Changs to eat and then did some shopping for Stacie a dress for her friend's wedding rehearsal. PF Changs was nothing short of amazing! They have these things called lettuce wraps. Ok, I'm not usually a lettuce eater but they were soooo good- I'm hooked! While we were eating I got to know Lisa a little better and hear the whole story of her precious son Hudson. It was a sad story but Lisa is such a strong person. She also is preggo! She finds out thursday what she is having so say a prayer for her that the ultrasound and everything goes well! It gives me hope to see her so happy and pregnant. We shared our fears for our future children and our ups and downs after Hudson's and Paisly's passing. It was nice to see that she was pregnant and is going to have another precious child. Gives me hope for my future. Say a prayer tonight for her little family, and continue to pray for Andrew and I.
Love,
Ryan
Love,
Ryan
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Walk to Remember
Yesterday was such a great way to remember Paisly Grace. I admire the people who have the strength after such loss to put together things such as Heartstrings and the Walk to Remember.
We got to the event a little early. We went to check in and the woman helping us looked so familiar while I was in line. When we got up to her, she looked at me a little teary eyed. She told me who she was, and my heart melted. She was the wonderful woman who took Paisly's pictures for us in the hospital. We talked for a minute and I thanked her for taking Paisly's pictures. Her pictures mean so much to me, I can't explain. There were different booths there with various things. We got free water bottles, a woman had made wooden angel ornaments and was writing the names of the children on them, we got one for Paisly. They had a quilt that you could write your child's name and a little message on. They gave us a scrapbooking kit to put together. When the memorial started the lady who founded heartstrings got up to talk and tell her story. She had twin boys who past away when they were infants. She talked about how much they changed her. She said so many things that touched me personally; but the thing she said that has been on my mind since is that all of us who have had child loss can either be swallowed by our grief and sorrow or we can take our child's death and making something good come out of it. She certainly has. Seeing all those people there yesterday and how much that event meant to them, and how it tremendously helped me, makes me want to do the same. I don't know how or what God wants me to do just yet but I know he is wanting me to do something, so I am. Pray for me as I listen to God's will for what he wants me to do. This morning's service was about listening to God's will. The visiting preacher said we need to quit saying "I" and start listening to God and what he wants not what we want. I know he wants me to do something, I just don't know what yet. I love it when God puts something he wants right in front of you, and that's what he has done the past 2 days with the even and this mornings message.
After the speeches we went to the memorial tree. All the babies names were read out and when they were the parents put their butterflies on the tree. By the end there weren't any spots left on that tree to put anything. There were many parents that had more than one butterfly. One woman had to put 6 butterflies on that tree. I prayed for that woman as she was putting them there. I pray for all those families that were there. As much as I hated that we all had to be there I am so thankful that the walk was there for us, to help us grieve. After the tree memorial we started our 1.5 mile walk. They had each child's name on signs throughout the walk. It was such a pretty day for it too. It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just right.
Thank You God for all you have done for me and for all the people you have put in my path to help me grieve for Paisly Grace. You are so good to me.
We got to the event a little early. We went to check in and the woman helping us looked so familiar while I was in line. When we got up to her, she looked at me a little teary eyed. She told me who she was, and my heart melted. She was the wonderful woman who took Paisly's pictures for us in the hospital. We talked for a minute and I thanked her for taking Paisly's pictures. Her pictures mean so much to me, I can't explain. There were different booths there with various things. We got free water bottles, a woman had made wooden angel ornaments and was writing the names of the children on them, we got one for Paisly. They had a quilt that you could write your child's name and a little message on. They gave us a scrapbooking kit to put together. When the memorial started the lady who founded heartstrings got up to talk and tell her story. She had twin boys who past away when they were infants. She talked about how much they changed her. She said so many things that touched me personally; but the thing she said that has been on my mind since is that all of us who have had child loss can either be swallowed by our grief and sorrow or we can take our child's death and making something good come out of it. She certainly has. Seeing all those people there yesterday and how much that event meant to them, and how it tremendously helped me, makes me want to do the same. I don't know how or what God wants me to do just yet but I know he is wanting me to do something, so I am. Pray for me as I listen to God's will for what he wants me to do. This morning's service was about listening to God's will. The visiting preacher said we need to quit saying "I" and start listening to God and what he wants not what we want. I know he wants me to do something, I just don't know what yet. I love it when God puts something he wants right in front of you, and that's what he has done the past 2 days with the even and this mornings message.
After the speeches we went to the memorial tree. All the babies names were read out and when they were the parents put their butterflies on the tree. By the end there weren't any spots left on that tree to put anything. There were many parents that had more than one butterfly. One woman had to put 6 butterflies on that tree. I prayed for that woman as she was putting them there. I pray for all those families that were there. As much as I hated that we all had to be there I am so thankful that the walk was there for us, to help us grieve. After the tree memorial we started our 1.5 mile walk. They had each child's name on signs throughout the walk. It was such a pretty day for it too. It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just right.
Thank You God for all you have done for me and for all the people you have put in my path to help me grieve for Paisly Grace. You are so good to me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Finally...
So I still can't upload at my house, but my wonderful mother-in-law let's me upload them on hers :) Thanks Lori :)
Paisly's Headstone
Boone Trip
I don't have the picture with Angie and I, I will have to put that up later :(
But here's a funny one...Mr Grunts hates the lawnmower, unless he's riding on it
Paisly's Headstone
Boone Trip
I don't have the picture with Angie and I, I will have to put that up later :(
But here's a funny one...Mr Grunts hates the lawnmower, unless he's riding on it
Saturday, October 2, 2010
A Great Weekend
This weekend has been wonderful :)
Last night we went to hear Angie Smith speak. One word... Amazed. She has such genuine faith. You can just tell that she is a honest, genuine Christian woman. I admire her faith so much with the loss of her daughter. "Scouting for Hope" was the name of the service last night and it was a good one. The Lord was there with all of us mother's who share a horrible bond. As much as I loved being able to go to something like that where everyone there knew exactly how I felt, it was terrible just the same. I still can't believe how much miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss happens. It's so unheard of, and I can understand why. I can't just go blurting out that I have a daughter in heaven without getting strange looks. Although the sadness may be written on my face, the whole story isn't. A friend of the lady who put together the even shared her story before Angie got up to speak. While she was sharing it with us, there was not one dry eye in the house. This woman lost...I can't even remember how many babies. I want to say 6. She had an auto immune deficiency and every time she got pregnant her body just rejected the pregnancy. She got pretty far along with some of those babies. She finally had 2 children, but they were a huge struggle to have, both were supposed to have mental and physical delays according to the doctors. The last baby, the doctors encouraged her heavily to abort the baby, much like my Doctors did. She refused, and had her 2nd little girl. Both who were there last night, and both were healthy. I love the ending of her story. We trust doctors so much, sometimes too much. We need to put that trust in God.
When Angie spoke she told her story. I've read her book, her blog and interviews she has done, but hearing it straight from her mouth was just more moving. She, once again, made me feel better about how I feel. She quoted from a book she had read about mourning and dancing. She said that she isn't quite to the dancing part yet. It made me feel better. As much as I am trusting God and know He has a plan for us, I am not dancing yet. It's been 2 1/2 years since her Audrey passed and she still isn't dancing, she said she's bought her tap shoes but that's it. It's been 4 months since Paisly passed, and I haven't even bought my dancing shoes. All in all it was a good service. We got to hear her speak, we got to hear Todd from Selah sing :) :) :) and we had a candle lighting/dedication for the babies in heaven. Afterward I got to meet Angie and we talked for about 10 minutes! I showed her Paisly's album and shared her story. I even got a picture with her :) and will post it along with the bazillion others I've been promising to put up as soon as I can find that cord!
Today we got a lot done around the house like I wanted. I even planted some mums! They are so pretty! It was so pretty outside today! I love weather like this! Fall is my favorite! I'm sure the rest of the weekend will be just as nice :)
Ryan
Last night we went to hear Angie Smith speak. One word... Amazed. She has such genuine faith. You can just tell that she is a honest, genuine Christian woman. I admire her faith so much with the loss of her daughter. "Scouting for Hope" was the name of the service last night and it was a good one. The Lord was there with all of us mother's who share a horrible bond. As much as I loved being able to go to something like that where everyone there knew exactly how I felt, it was terrible just the same. I still can't believe how much miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss happens. It's so unheard of, and I can understand why. I can't just go blurting out that I have a daughter in heaven without getting strange looks. Although the sadness may be written on my face, the whole story isn't. A friend of the lady who put together the even shared her story before Angie got up to speak. While she was sharing it with us, there was not one dry eye in the house. This woman lost...I can't even remember how many babies. I want to say 6. She had an auto immune deficiency and every time she got pregnant her body just rejected the pregnancy. She got pretty far along with some of those babies. She finally had 2 children, but they were a huge struggle to have, both were supposed to have mental and physical delays according to the doctors. The last baby, the doctors encouraged her heavily to abort the baby, much like my Doctors did. She refused, and had her 2nd little girl. Both who were there last night, and both were healthy. I love the ending of her story. We trust doctors so much, sometimes too much. We need to put that trust in God.
When Angie spoke she told her story. I've read her book, her blog and interviews she has done, but hearing it straight from her mouth was just more moving. She, once again, made me feel better about how I feel. She quoted from a book she had read about mourning and dancing. She said that she isn't quite to the dancing part yet. It made me feel better. As much as I am trusting God and know He has a plan for us, I am not dancing yet. It's been 2 1/2 years since her Audrey passed and she still isn't dancing, she said she's bought her tap shoes but that's it. It's been 4 months since Paisly passed, and I haven't even bought my dancing shoes. All in all it was a good service. We got to hear her speak, we got to hear Todd from Selah sing :) :) :) and we had a candle lighting/dedication for the babies in heaven. Afterward I got to meet Angie and we talked for about 10 minutes! I showed her Paisly's album and shared her story. I even got a picture with her :) and will post it along with the bazillion others I've been promising to put up as soon as I can find that cord!
Today we got a lot done around the house like I wanted. I even planted some mums! They are so pretty! It was so pretty outside today! I love weather like this! Fall is my favorite! I'm sure the rest of the weekend will be just as nice :)
Ryan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)